It's that time of year again, when the stores are filled with candy colored dresses and parents are dragged bodily through the mall into places like Macy's and Nordstrom and Cachet. This annual festival is something that I don't relate to at all. I'm not exactly sure why, but my friends and I thought we were too cool for prom. We never even considered attending. Whenever this time of year rolls around, I wonder what it would have been like if I had gone.
Being that I hated being a teen and love being a middle aged person (truth is life begins at 40 y'all), I am thinking of having a middle aged prom, done my way. Here goes:
1: Location - Instead of a catering hall, which tends to be overly mirrored (middle agers don't need views into all those unflattering angles), I would hold the prom at a floating, tented location to be disclosed at the very last minute, like a rave. There would not be a single mirror present. This would keep Debbie Gluckman away as she always stared at her own reflection in whatever she could find when she talked to you. Mirror, window, snack machine, she would lovingly gaze at herself and pat her hair while you talked. Deb, honey, I've got to ask, wtf were you staring at? You had a face that looked like severe tire damage and a frizzy brillo pad of hair with two parallel sausage curls running down either side. Ew.
2: Prom Queen: I would nominate my most fabulous GBF to be prom queen and he would turn out in the most fierce ensemble, putting those run of the mill cheerleaders to shame. I wouldn't even want to invite the cheerleaders, except they were the ones that made the most fun of the GBF in High School, so they need to understand that the social strata has shifted, bitches!
3: Prom Court: The women with the best stretch marks would be the prom court. If your stomach looks like it's been mauled by a wolf, you're a shoe-in.
4: Prom King: Nerd alert! Clearly, the most successful High School nerd would have to be the Prom King. Preferably anyone from the AV squad, especially if he turned out to be a Bill Gates type.
5: Music: 80's alternative all the way. Depeche Mode, Psychedelic Furs, Smithereens, Elvis Costello, The Cure. Heavy Metal dominated my high school days and while I like it, I resent my HS's reluctance to embrace anything different. All you lemmings can suck my play list!!!!
6: Dancing: Men can't attend unless they are willing to dance. And I'm talking arm swinging 80's dancing a la Simon LeBon or Clare Grogan in Altered Images video of Happy Birthday (click here for video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=40K2S0-5Xo0)
7:Drinks: Half the fun of prom is sneaking in liquor. Being that we would all be of age (times 2), I would suggest that everyone bring their most creative sneak of liquor. Whether it is a cleverly concealed flask, airline bottles in your clutch or a bottle of Gatorade pre-spiked, just to have that feeling of "naughty".
8: Attire: The most over the top, hideous 80's prom gown you can find. Preferably all gold lame with puffy sleeves a peplum waist line and a sweetheart neck. And you'd best have big, permed hair and mall bangs. If you can't stamp "Inflate to 40 Lbs" on your head, then your hair isn't big enough and you can't get in. Any guy that shows up with a Flock of Seagulls hairdo gets to bitch slap a cheerleader, so get out your Tenax and line up!
So whaddaya think? Are you in? Could be a great time. Certainly better than it would have been in 1982. Now if only I could get my virginity back.
P.S. There was a new Teen Girl Squad cartoon (finally), which was my inspiration for this post. If you haven't heard of Homestarrunner.com, I suggest you check it out. Here is the link to the latest installment of the TGS series. Enjoy! http://www.homestarrunner.com/tgs15.html