Thursday, June 25, 2009

You Found Me HOW?!?

Can we geek-out for a second here? I just need to profess my love for Google Analytics. Without it, I would probably not have even half a clue as to how many bent people there are out on the Internet.

I can remember back in the early days of the Internet, when my friend Mare and I would get on our computers and get on the phone and just search for the most insane stuff. We would go back and forth trying to out-do each other with outrageous searches. This was back in the mid/late 90's and we were naive about the what the Internet was, its power and what it would become. We very innocently searched for things like animal sex and fetish stuff, just to see how absurd we had to be before we stopped getting matches. Even then, our most insane searches NEVER came up empty.

13 years later, times are very different. I would not dream of searching for anything even vaguely sexual, even in jest, for all of the spy ware, viruses and pop-ups that are associated with that. No longer naive, I now know better. However, there are clearly many folks that are still doing some crazy-ass searches out there and somehow they are hitting my blog. My sweet, innocent, no worse than PG rated blog. Don't they know that big brother (or at least big Diary) is watching?

Thanks to Google Analytics, I can share some of the stranger keyword searches that brought people to my blog. These are the actual search strings that people entered into a search engine where my blog somehow made the results list. Some of them I can sorta figure out, others leave me speechless, yet I still managed to comment on almost all of them.

liquor into prom - Sorry Sparky. No real tips here.
andrew zimmern naked pics - Never occurred to me that ANYONE would be looking for this until I saw this keyword search . . . TWICE!
bathroom mad - It's more of a metaphor than an actual brooding toilet. I can tell you with confidence that my vanity, toilet and shower and I are on excellent terms.
bathroom porm - Don't know what this is, but I maybe it involves a bidet, an ear of corm and a sheep that is shorm.
bathroom with clouds in floor - In my eyes? Maybe. In the floor? Never.
brother suck sister e mom in bath room - This one is not only foul (Aristocrats, anyone?), it is also foreign. What's with the e Guiseppe? The rest of the friggin search is in English!
butterschoch bath room tile - I am sure that I got this one because I was giving away a free dictionary.

can you bring guests to the mohegan sun sports bar yankee stadium - Well, I don't know. I suppose you can if you don't mind buying them 16 dollar drinks served in plastic cups.

granny tranny - I did have a favorite comment that mentioned this, so I guess that was the link. Can you just picture it. . . A grey wig, Adams apple, five o'clock shadow, granny panties and the man business tucked WAAAYY back. Imagine the poor lost soul that is actively looking for this. More importantly, can you imagine their grave disappointment when they landed here?
how many days in june did it rain in ny Last count, I heard 19.
how much do you hate yard work? _Uh, hello? I hate it massively. Haven't you been reading?
long island city hookers 2009 - Hola Fleet Week. Me Llama es Diario.
long island tranny hookers - Do you really think Biff and Muffy would allow such a thing in the Hamptons? I mean really? Tranny Hookers are so down market.

mareate junk - Nope. I got nothin.
mom and son in bathroom stall and stinkies movie - Whoever you are, I beg of you, please get help.
photos of miley cyrus in the shawer but naked on clous - Another one of our dictionary winners!
rolling your eyes, hairy eyeball, the stink eye - All habits I am trying to break.
tranny hookers pennsylvania - Apparently not only Biff and Muffy have to fight off the riff-raff.
yardwork naked pics - This just sounds unappealing and dangerous. What man in his right mind would risk his dingle dangle to be photographed naked with a hedge trimmer?

There were actually more that were so offensive, that I wouldn't repeat them here. On one hand it's pretty funny, but on the other hand it's pretty disturbing. I am going to give these folks the benefit of the doubt and assume that they are new computer owners, just like Mare and I were over 13 years ago, testing the limits of the Internet. A word to the wise, there is no limit. If you don't believe me, hop over to this. It's absolutely filthy. Go ahead, I'll wait. (Taps foot impatiently. Glances at watch.) See? Do you see what I mean? Now go wash your eyeballs out with soap. You shouldn't have been looking at that. Dirty girl (or guy)!

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