Saturday, July 11, 2009

Big Pimpin' Senior Citizen Style


What is the cure for middle-aged malaise? Some say religious retreat, some say further your education, but I say Vegas baby! Unfortunately, between work, kids and the general craziness of life, a plane trip and hotel stay in Vegas are not in the cards. Besides, I have a free room at the Mount Airy Casino in the Pocono Mountains of PA. And NO there are no table games. And NO there is no swimming pool, but YES, I have a free room and food comp and it's only two hours away, so that's where I am going. Any gambler worth his or her salt will tell you that you go where ever you've got comp.


I planned this trip under the guise of wanting to take my mom away for a little relaxation, but the truth is that I need a break before I go off the rails. Lately I have been having this horrid feeling of dissatisfaction with absolutely everything in my life and my poor husband and children are bearing the brunt of my black mood. Some might get all clinical and call it peri-menopause, I just call it an overdose of Haterade. There are a shitload of things that are on my last nerve and I am so tired of suffering fools that my highly polished and lead cased armor is starting to crack.


Here are the things that are working my patience:


OFFICE HATERS: Good lord, I haven't seen such a large collection of whining five year olds since John and Kate spat their squalling brood onto the airwaves.

NEIGHBORHOOD PARENTS: If one more PTA mother who has picked their child up at my house half a dozen times looks THROUGH me in the grocery store as I attempt to make eyecontact and acknowledge their presence, I am going to walk up and pants their Juicy Cotured ass and say "Remember me now, bitch?".

THIRTEEN YEAR OLDS: That's it. Just thirteen year olds. They wear me so far out that I can't even be witty about it.

My ultimate goal for this quick overnight trip is to get my mother naked-drunk and have her do karaoke. Sadly the chances of this are slim because she never drinks. Kill joy. What kind of mother robs her daughter of the thrill of exploiting her aging mother's naughty bits? Coulda been a real crowd pleaser and might have even gotten us a free pass at the breakfast buffet, but whatever.

I guess you'll know how the visit ended up when I post about it here. Don't get your hopes up though. There's only so much hilarity that can occur when a burnt out middle age woman and her senior citizen mother hit the casino. Someone might lose their glasses, dentures could fall out, someone could break a hip. Or my mom could hit the jackpot, buy a fur and a pimp stick and roll home with a man stable of he-whores. We'll just have to see.


11 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

KimberLeigh said...

LOL! Be sure to take pictures of your mom's pimp cup!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Oh, will do. If ever there was a kodak moment, that would be it!

peewee said...

ohhhhhh! I am crying laughing! I think people are SO DAMN FUNNY when there is mal-content or just general malaise! And haterade!!! HAHAHHAH! Oh man, you kill me.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Yeah, I have malcontent and mailaise a-plenty. Not the M&Ms I had in mind. Got any chocolate?

musingwoman said...

Can't wait to hear if it was lost dentures or a harem of he-whores.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

In a couple of days we'll know if I have to change my name to Diaryofapimpedoutbathroom.

JStantonChandler said...

O my sweet pajamas!I am laughing so hard! Trying to keep it down though; my boss is in an interview about 20 feet away!! Thanks for this laugh :) I hope the trip goes well and there are no broken hips of which to speak.

~Jennifer

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Thanks Jennifer! We're on Broken Hip Watch 09. If the naked karaoke actually happens, there's good odds on the hip thing becoming a reality. I guess the question becomes, who snaps a hip first, the mother belting out "Hit me With Your Best Shot", naked on top of the bar or the daughter falling off the barstool in a fit of hysterical laughter.

Mare said...

I can picture it! LOL Did Naughty Nor and Dirty Diary meet Betty the Yetty?

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Yup, but Betty confused the daylights out of her. I took her to some simpler machines and she did better.

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