Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Tool Kit

HOW TO BE A COMPLETE TOOL:

Ever wonder what it would take to have people think you're a complete tool? Well Diary is here to help. With my correspondence course "HOW TO BE A COMPLETE TOOL (TM)", I can teach you to be a completely intolerable tool in ten easy lessons. Here is a sneak peek of the course work available in print, books on tape or a neat I-Phone application that you can flip through at business meetings, thereby upping your tool-worthiness right away.


Lesson 1: Bogey and the Stogey - Drive to a large place of employment in your best golf togs and aviator sunglasses. Park your car as if you were an employee, and get out of your car smoking the fattest, foulest smelling cigar you can find. Then, wait for people to start arriving for work. As they drag their sad little bodies out of their cars, stand in a sunny,obvious spot and pantomime a golf swing. Your swing should be both technically correct AND full of mocking indifference for the worker drones that are actually entering the building. I saw a gentleman doing this the other day, and I thought, mmm hmmm. . . .COMPLETE TOOL (TM).



Lesson 2: European or Gay - Keep 'em guessing and look like a COMPLETE TOOL (TM) in the process with this lesson:


Show up at the breakfast buffet at an upscale NY Hotel wearing the following outfit (no substitutions):


White Linen Pants

Flip Flops

Beige and White Linen shirt with intentionally frayed edges

Lavender cashmere sweater draped over your shoulders and tied casually at your neck


Hold up the line at the fruit bar by painstakingly scrutinizing every chunk of sliced melon and pineapple that you put on your plate, while loudly discussing the latest art film with your offbeat looking breakfast companions. Guaranteed to be TOOLERIFIC (TM)!

Lesson 3: Tool Talk - ten things to say that guarantee your tool status -

  • Babe, can you get the check? I left my wallet in the Miata.

  • Glitter? What glitter? Oh, that. The damnedest thing happened to me on the way home; I saw a unicorn and it took a dump on me as it flew by. Damn things shit fairy dust.

  • Damn girl, your ass looks HUGE in those jeans.

. . . and many, many more


Lesson 4: The Art of Obvious Oogling

Lesson 5: Wearing a Groove in the Couch with Your Ass

Lesson 6: Leather Pants - A Study

Lesson 7: Flagrant Abuse of Hair Product

Lesson 8: To Axe or Not to Axe - YES! Axe Liberally!

Lesson 9: Work Avoidance. It's not Just for Hobos Anymore.

Lesson 10: STD's - How to Pass them off as Swine Flu

Success is guaranteed with this program and it's available to you for three easy payments of 129.99 each. Simply swipe your girlfriend's credit card and we will bill her under the name "DSW Shoe Warehouse". It's safe! It's easy! And it's effective!

So act today and guarantee your place in our tool hall of fame - the TOOLSHED(TM), where your name will be listed side by side next to legendary tools like:
John Mayer
Carrot Top
Bernie Madoff
and many, many more!

Don't delay! Call 1-888-BIGTOOL today!

Diaryofamadbathroom makes no guarantee that this course will actually make you a tool. In fact, everything offered here is complete baloney. I don't even have a credit card machine. I am actually something of a tool myself and though female, my own loser behavior is shameful. As a matter of fact, I am going to be late to work because I am writing this post. Pretty toolish, no? Individual results may vary. Void where prohibited by law AND everywhere else.

13 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

JStantonChandler said...

THAT was funny! I think there are a lot of people around where I live that have taken your course and are excelling at an astonishing rate :)

~Jen

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sadly, these examples are culled from real life. I am not surprised that they ring true.

A.Marie said...

Oh Wow!! Hilarious!! I came over here from Lin's blog, and I think I laughed as hard here as I did at her post of the cat yakking up!

You two should write a book together!! :)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Thanks A.Marie. I am so glad that you stopped by. I have to say, the image that Lin gave of catapulting (ugh, I hate it when I pun) her cat off the bed was absolutely hysterical to me!

Buggys said...

Ha....I'm laughing too hard, my nose is running! I think I know a couple of people who have studied with you!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Hi Buggys,

Thanks for stopping in.

I have franchised my tool teachings, making my geographic reach pretty wide. You can probably find my students in the far corners of the globe.

peewee said...

What? is this like the BEGINNER'S edition? Because I've already read the intermediate and advanced TOOLS (tm) beginning with..."when your cell phone rings at a broadway show...ANSWER IT as you walk out from your MIDDLE SEAT....

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Pee Wee,

You're killing me! I know that tool. He started with me but moved on and created his own school.

KimberLeigh said...

I am ashamed to say that I dated at least two guys that attended this school. Funny, yet tragic.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Don't be ashamed Kimberleigh, we've all been there.

Mare said...

I'm scared. I think I am a tool.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

You can't be a tool. You need to have a dingle-dangle to be a tool. If #7 had been radical abuse of a lipstick, then we'd have something to talk about.

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