Ever wonder what it would take to have people think you're a complete tool? Well Diary is here to help. With my correspondence course "HOW TO BE A COMPLETE TOOL (TM)", I can teach you to be a completely intolerable tool in ten easy lessons. Here is a sneak peek of the course work available in print, books on tape or a neat I-Phone application that you can flip through at business meetings, thereby upping your tool-worthiness right away.
Lesson 1: Bogey and the Stogey - Drive to a large place of employment in your best golf togs and aviator sunglasses. Park your car as if you were an employee, and get out of your car smoking the fattest, foulest smelling cigar you can find. Then, wait for people to start arriving for work. As they drag their sad little bodies out of their cars, stand in a sunny,obvious spot and pantomime a golf swing. Your swing should be both technically correct AND full of mocking indifference for the worker drones that are actually entering the building. I saw a gentleman doing this the other day, and I thought, mmm hmmm. . . .COMPLETE TOOL (TM).
Lesson 2: European or Gay - Keep 'em guessing and look like a COMPLETE TOOL (TM) in the process with this lesson:
Show up at the breakfast buffet at an upscale NY Hotel wearing the following outfit (no substitutions):
White Linen Pants
Beige and White Linen shirt with intentionally frayed edges
Lavender cashmere sweater draped over your shoulders and tied casually at your neck
Hold up the line at the fruit bar by painstakingly scrutinizing every chunk of sliced melon and pineapple that you put on your plate, while loudly discussing the latest art film with your offbeat looking breakfast companions. Guaranteed to be TOOLERIFIC (TM)!
Lesson 3: Tool Talk - ten things to say that guarantee your tool status -
- Babe, can you get the check? I left my wallet in the Miata.
- Glitter? What glitter? Oh, that. The damnedest thing happened to me on the way home; I saw a unicorn and it took a dump on me as it flew by. Damn things shit fairy dust.
- Damn girl, your ass looks HUGE in those jeans.
. . . and many, many more
Lesson 4: The Art of Obvious Oogling
Lesson 5: Wearing a Groove in the Couch with Your Ass
Lesson 6: Leather Pants - A Study
Lesson 7: Flagrant Abuse of Hair Product
Lesson 8: To Axe or Not to Axe - YES! Axe Liberally!
Lesson 9: Work Avoidance. It's not Just for Hobos Anymore.
Lesson 10: STD's - How to Pass them off as Swine Flu
Success is guaranteed with this program and it's available to you for three easy payments of 129.99 each. Simply swipe your girlfriend's credit card and we will bill her under the name "DSW Shoe Warehouse". It's safe! It's easy! And it's effective!
So act today and guarantee your place in our tool hall of fame - the TOOLSHED(TM), where your name will be listed side by side next to legendary tools like:
and many, many more!
Don't delay! Call 1-888-BIGTOOL today!
Diaryofamadbathroom makes no guarantee that this course will actually make you a tool. In fact, everything offered here is complete baloney. I don't even have a credit card machine. I am actually something of a tool myself and though female, my own loser behavior is shameful. As a matter of fact, I am going to be late to work because I am writing this post. Pretty toolish, no? Individual results may vary. Void where prohibited by law AND everywhere else.