Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My Amish Teenage Wasteland

As some of you may have read here and here, I have a teensy weensy little obsession with the Amish. I don't know what started it, but it goes waaaaaaay back. Now, with our upcoming trip to Lancaster looming in the near future, I am all raw nerve endings and excitement, thinking about it.

But, what would I do if I actually lived in the Amish Country and was raised by Amish parents? Certainly part of who we are is how we are raised, you know the "nurture" part. But part of us is who we are programmed to be, the nature part. That's the part that would have gotten me in trouble. Let me see how the teenage me would have dealt with the traditions and restrictions of an Amish upbringing.

TRADITION 1: Quilting

MY REACTION: I would steal all the black pants and white shirts out of my father's draw that I could get my hands on and I would make a quilt with a giant AC/DC logo in the middle. When my father would ask me if this be one of Jacob Zooks hex signs, I would reply "No father, it is of the Angus Young clan. The emblem of a man that wields his axe mightily." Father would then reply "It is good to show interest in a man that is crafty with wood." This response would make me laugh until I shot Chow Chow out my nose.

TRADITION 2: Plain Dress

MY REACTION: I would most definitely have a tutu, ripped leggings, combat boots and a dayglo spandex shirt under the modest frock at all times. As soon as my mother called upon me to take the buggy out to get sewing notions, I'd take the bonnet off, put the nose ring in and let the freak flag fly.

TRADITION 3: No Electricity

MY REACTION: What? No tuneage? Like I'd put up with that shit for even a minute. Out of my way bitches! I'd be in the barn until all hours hooking up potatoes , bell jars and tractor parts until I built something, anything that could pull in a signal. Then I'd charge all the naughty Amish children admission to hear the devil music that I was pumping in "Direct from Hell". It would be a sweet gig because they'd never tell on me for fear of getting shunned for being in cahoots with Satan.

TRADITION 4: Beards with no Moustaches

MY REACTION: Uh, no. There will be no chin strap beards in my presence, even if Amish law dictates that all men stop shaving their beards once they are married. You know that I'd be sneaking a buggy ride off to Walmart to replace the soap with some Nair. Besides, don't you know that all clean shaven Amish men look like a young Harrison Ford? It's true. Go on, disprove it. See you can't.
TRADITION 5: Barn Raising
MY REACTION: I have to admit, I have no issue with this one because all the men do the hard work. The women just cook awesome food all day. I can get behind that, except for the fact that they do all the cooking without air conditioning. The one thing the Amish know how to do is food. Good lord is their food delicious. All country gravy goodness.
Ok, I suppose I'd have made a crappy Amish teenager. I suppose that I am best relegated to Amish ogling. That's fine, at least I'm good at that. Highly skilled, even. So next week when I return from Lancaster, expect lots of bloggy love posted here for my homeboys Zacharia and Levi and Jacob. Unfortunately, they'll never read it.

13 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

linlah said...

"let the freak flag fly"
OMG...serious OMG, I went to school with two girls who would get on the bus and transform into totally different people.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Linlah - my mom actually did that in the fifties. She'd have a tight, pencil skirt on under her conservative A-line skirt and she'd get two houses away, go behind a bush and remove the church wear.

Aunt Becky said...

I just want to live in a town called "Blue Ball."

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Ah yes, Blue Ball. Not to be outdone by Intercourse and Lititz. For an extremely hung up group of folks, they have some pervy city names.

Lin said...

Oooh, just the sight of those buggies and the laundry on the line. I love the Amish thing too, except I would totally be digging no electricity---whoa, forgot about the hairdryer. Skip that. I would totally like to be Mennonite instead--I think they can drive cars and stuff. They're Amish Lite.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Lin - That's right. No hairdryer and no flat iron. What about dancing? Would your super secret hidden talent be tolerated? What if you couldn't dosi do?

Amy said...

The Amish are fascinating to me, so much so that I took a Sociology course in college called "deviance" and the Amish were a big part of the topics covered. Not because they were considered "deviant" but because they chose to live like people did centuries ago when they are in fact part of modern times.

I love my flat iron and AC way too much to partake in their ways, but more power to them. They don't have any Amish around my parts...would like to sample their delicious grub!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...


The only grub better than Amish is Cajun. You are in the epicenter of good eats. Louisianna knows how to burn! You aren't missing a thing.:)

peewee said...

I don't even know how to respond to this HORRIFYING prospect. Not going to nordstrom ALONE would push me over the edge.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

I know! Can you imagine - no starbucks, no croissants, no designer shoes,no high end cosmetics. The horror!

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Awesome last sentence.

So just forego the Amish teenage experience and build yourself an adult Amish home. You know, for weekend getaways.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Thank you kindly.

I'd probably get shunned for weaering commercialy made adult diapers, but I ain't whittling incontinence pads out of poplar bark.

somebody said...


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