Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Sesame Street Wants Me to Audition

I am a natural redhead. No really, I have the baby pictures to prove it. When you grow up with red hair (auburn in my case), it becomes a defining characteristic. It's usually the first thing that people use to describe you and sometimes, much to the chagrin of many a redhead, it is the source of your first nickname. As a little kid, I didn't particularly like my red hair because it was different. But eventually, I came to embrace it for the same reason.

Somewhere between babyhood and middle age, long before grey hair became a problem, my red hair faded to brown. I can remember my mother telling me that "redheads lose their pigment early" when I was a child, but I never really understood what she meant until it happened.

Seems that around the age of 32, that heinous bitch mother nature decided that it was indeed time to take the red pigment from my hair, but when she did so, she never bothered to adjust my skin color to match. The loss of red was very gradual. So gradual, that it took a long time for me to notice. It was sort of like I woke up one morning and noticed that my skin looked like a vomit-tinged shade of taupe. I looked at myself in the mirror, convinced that I was dying of some horrific blood disease. Once I got through reeling over the other-worldly color of my skin, I noticed my eyebrows. Who the hell put those there when I wasn't looking? It was like mother nature sent in the eyebrow fairy to make a deposit on my head while I slept. It was the furry black brows that finally tipped me off to the fact that my red hair had indeed faded.

Prior to this little life event, I had always prided myself on the fact that I never had to groom my eyebrows. While my friends plucked and waxed and subjected themselves to various forms of medieval torture, my brows just chilled. They had a natural arch, were reasonably populated and were a light reddish brown color. I never touched them until that fateful morning when I magically went from graceful arch to Groucho Marx.

I looked at my brows in the mirror in complete disbelief. They had become black, thick and unruly. They had somehow gotten disproportionately darker than my darkening hair. They were like two black caterpillars crawling across my forehead. Think Joe Jonas or Bert from Sesame Street. It was a major WTF moment in my life.

Something had to be done. It was at this time that I turned to the bottle. . . of hair dye that is. Ever since that fateful day I have been dying my hair every six weeks and bleaching and shaping my brows as soon as I see a Muppet looking back at me in the mirror. Considering my off the charts laziness, I resent the hell out of this required maintenance. But, the dark brown racing stripe down the center of my head becomes all the incentive that I need to keep on a regular touch-up schedule.

Nowadays I have to battle both the brown and the grey in my hair. Seems the greys don't take to the dye as kindly as the brown does. I guess that this will become more of an issue when I get morethan the sprinkling of grey hairs that I currently have. I suppose that when that day comes, I will have to switch to a darker color of dye and leave it in longer or (gasp) even worse, visit a professional colorist. That problem seems manageable. But what about the brows? What happens when they go grey? If they go grey as quickly as they went Jonas, I am going to wake up one morning looking like Andy Rooney. Holy shit! I can't afford to have another visit from the eyebrow fairy. Get me an IV drip of Starbucks! I'm never sleeping again.

14 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

JStantonChandler said...

My hair has changed color on me recently, too. My hair was white when I was little. So white that I looked bald until about the age of 4. I lived with blonde hair for years and years. Sunny, golden blonde. However, either due to changing hormones or the fact I rarely get outside anymore (source of much sadness) my hair is no longer blonde but a rather dull shade of brown. If you look close in the sunlight, there are hints of red, but not much. :( I do miss my golden blonde locks.


linlah said...

"that heinous bitch mother nature" didn't bless me with any elastic in my face but she has let me keep my blond hair, which is gracfully turning white. Thank you heinous bitch mother nature.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Jen - Highlights would probably be a good choice to brighten up your hair. And they last a lot longer than a single process color. (Listen to me prattle on. Once a hairdresser, always a hairdresser).

Linlah - I would totally trip that bitch if she walked past me.

Amy said...

Holy Crap! I am in an all out panic. Already struck with the occational grey hair, I am anxiously awainting the brows. OH GOD...WHAT ABOUT "THE OTHER HAIR"...What'll we do then???

I'm getting it lazered dammit! Cutting that bitch mother nature off at the pass! hilarious post dude!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Good point! If there's and eyebrow fairy there must be a lady business fairy too. Yikes! Now I'll never sleep for sure.

peewee said...

sigh, my "occasional" grays have turned into a regular cornfield. :( But no eyebrow gray yet! I don't think they get gray fast. My mom doesn't have gray eyebrows...or if she does she hides it DAMN well!

Sorry 'bout the fading red...but hey! at least you won't have to try out for elmo?!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Yeah, thanks Pee Wee. I'm ok getting older, but every now and then you get mortified by something like furry eyebrows or chin hairs. This is the price of the wisdom of the ages.

Aunt Becky said...

my eyebrows resemble caterpillars if unattended.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Aunt Becky -

What's astonishing is just how much attention they need. The frequency of shaping and waxing and tinting is crazy.

Mare said...

I think there's a product called Betty something...

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Oh yeah. BTY takes the sting out of my furry eyebrows.

Lola said...

My partner has red hair, but it's more orange and not the dark, auburn red. It's gorgeous. And she's...40 something.

My brown hair is getting grayer and grayer and thinner and thinner. Did the baldness fairy visit me because I don't have any brothers to visit? I don't know, but I dread having my photo taken because inevitably the photo will highlight a thin spot or 2.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Lola -

If it's not one thing it's another. We women always seem to have grooming dilemmas.

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