Sunday, September 13, 2009

Back to School is Not Well Tolerated by the Animal Kingdom

"No. This is not my guilty look. I look like this all the time. Really. I'm totes serious."

It was back to school week around these parts and I must say, it did my heart and mind a lot of good. After a summer of camp, loafing, bickering and road trips (and bickering on road trips), my children needed some direction and structure back in their week. However, it does not appear that all of the residents of our home are adjusting as well as I am.

First of all, Brownie the Wonder Dog, (formerly) the most perfect dog in the universe has begun acting out in some very strange ways. To start with, she peed on the dining room rug yesterday morning. WTF? She is almost five years old and has been housebroken for most of that time. What brought this on? We spent the entire day with enzymatic cleaning fluid and the steam cleaner trying to get the rug pee-free. I can't for the life of me imagine why she decided that my oriental rug is the same as that yellow patch of grass in the back yard but I will not tolerate it. I am not above putting diapers on a bitch, I have done it before (Emma the schizophrenic beagle, you who I'm talking about).

Later that evening I had my brother, sister-in-law and nephew over for dinner. In celebration of the cooler weather and my willingness to keep the oven on ALL DAY, I made roast beef and a home made apple pie and both turned out pretty well. Sometime during the dinner, Brownie stretched her long basset body up on to the counter and swiped the uncut half of the roast that was sitting on the cutting board. It was a total ninja move as we never saw or heard a thing. Then after everyone left and we went to bed, she snuck into the dining room and polished off the remaining half an apple pie. The only way that she could have done this would be to get ON the table. I got up this morning, anticipating a slice of homemade goodness and I found the pie plate had been licked clean. Brownie is generally a very lazy dog and she has bad hips, so she will normally only steal what she can easily reach. It required what I can only describe as a gymnastic prowess and determination to reach these two items. I wish I had been in the dining room to witness her dismount.

Then this morning my husband opened the door to find what looked like an exploded tribble on my doorstep. Spike the Hotness Monster had torn some poor creature apart in a most brutal and grizzly manner. He normally keeps his kills to small mice and the occasional bird, but this thing had heft. There were tufts of gray/brown fur all over the front step and the fat and happy hunter was nowhere to be found. After viewing his handiwork, I assume that he is passed out in a food coma under his favorite shrub.

I can't help but wonder if their off behavior is a reaction to the suddenly empty house. Having the kids home and figthing with each other has become their version of normal for the past few months. Or maybe they sense some other disturbance in the force. They say that animals act strangely when an earthquake or other natural disaster is coming. Being that I live on an island, I'm wondering if I should shutter off the house and have my blow up raft at the ready.

But not even this collection of uncharacteristic and inconvenient behavior can steal my happiness over the dawning of a new school year. However, if they do it again, I am putting both their asses on Craigs List under the title "Pets or Meat" *

* Don't get all PETA on me. It was a joke.

11 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

hokgardner said...

Our former dog was just the opposite. She did back flips of joy when the kids went back to school in the fall and acted out horribly at the beginning of summer break.

And apple pie for breakfast is the best.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Hokgardener - I just got a twinge of sadness at the thought of the breakfast that almost was. :(

linlah said...

Again, your use of the word bitch has me rolling on the floor.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...


I believe I actually used it in proper dictionary context this time!

JStantonChandler said...

Ha! That was hilarious! It's amazing what dogs can get into when they put their canine brains to it! I hope things simmer down with the furry ones soon!

Amy said...

I am probably not the best person to be commenting on this post, as my beloved Bernie has been out of sorts since my son was born...
15 MONTHS AGO!! Not that I'm bitter or anything.

But really, when you have an animal you adore who starts peeing and pooping in odd areas, what's an animal lover to do?? I fear I need a kitty shrink of some sort.

Good luck with your animals love!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...


24 hours and no additional incidents. Maybe there was something in the air this weekend. . .


That's right, you have the cat that poos in the shower. You certainly put up with your share of crazy!

peewee said...

Don't you totally wish you had nannycams for moments like that?

My dogs are being annoying too. I think it's the new fall line up. Too many vampire show pilots this season. Things should get better after tonight's Gossip Girl premier. Animals sense this stuff. they really are god's sensitive creatures!

Aunt Becky said...

I feel like I should try and say something other than "bwahahahahahaha!"

Damn dogs.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Pee Wee - The new fall lineup makes me feel weird too. I think you hit the nail on the head. Maybe we should just have Glee on a 24X7 loop because, how could they possibly leave the TV when that's on?

Aunt Becky - Hopefully your menagerie will stay in check. That many animals of different types could cause serious chaos if they were to weird out all at once like mine did.

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