Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I Spit on You BECAUSE I Like You


I was sitting at the dining room table this morning, enjoying a cup of coffee and a few chapters from Kathy Griffin's new book when Spike the Hotness Monster started buzzing around my legs. I had already fed him, so unless he was sporting a tapeworm that I didn't know about then he wanted something else. Engrossed in the book, I did not hustle to the demands of his royal catness, which clearly did not sit well with him because after 30 seconds of gentle nuzzling, he sank his fangs into my big toe. Not in an aggressive way, but in a "Bitch, get your fat ass off that chair and get me some crunchies ASAP" kind of way.

Not one to be bullied, I shooed him away, but he came back for a second helping, this time taking on the tender little pinkie toe. Again, I shooed him away. When I stood up to go take a shower he darted toward his food bowl with the bell on his collar tinkling in the quiet of the pre-children hours of the morning. I must admit, he's very savvy about showing me exactly what he wants.

I fed the cat again and went off to shower. By the time I got out of the shower, the boy was up and the morning routine had gotten the house buzzing. When my son got in the shower I sat down again to continue the book. Again, there was a gnawing on my big toe. My big toe is freakishly large, yet Spike had managed to encircle it in its entirety with his teeth. WTF? Why must I be denied a few precious moments of quiet? I get up at five in the morning so that I can ease into the day in quiet solitude, not to have my feet assaulted by razor sharp cat teeth.

Finally defeated, I stood up and he ran toward the front door. Again, I was appreciative of the fact that he was bright enough to ask for what he wanted, but hated the fact that he chose to get my attention in such a painful manner. I opened the door and let him out and he disappeared into the bushes like a secret agent.

I trudged upstairs to get dressed. I selected my clothes and laid them on the bed, sitting down to put my socks on. I immediately felt something cold and wet under my behind. I jumped up and turned around to find Brownie the Wonder Dog looking up at me with a soulful yet guilty expression. She had licked an area of the sheet about 12" in diameter, a habit that she has had since she was a puppy. She has always been a very "mouthy" dog. She likes to lick the couch, the bed, the rug, the floor. I find it repulsive, but I forgive her the habit because she is so wonderful in other ways.

I finished getting dressed and got ready to go, feeling like I really needed another shower to get all the animal spit off me. As I opened the door to leave, Spike darted back into the house. Brownie, hearing the bell on Spike's collar came running to greet her kitty friend. She did this by (gently) putting Spike's entire head in her mouth. Spike returned the favor with a nuzzle and a lick of Brownie's chest. I walked out the door feeling great. I had immediately gone from feeling like a like a toesickle to feeling like an appreciated friend, even if I was a friend whose toes probably smelled like catfood.

20 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Kelly said...

ROFLMAO! Very interesting pets you have!

hokgardner said...

i love your pets' names.

JStantonChandler said...

Your pets are hilarious! My mom's cat has unique ways of getting your attention, though she's never bit anyone's toe to do so. If she bites you, she's just being mean!

Jen

Amy said...

Awww...I miss my kitty children:(

kyslp said...

Best. Pet Names. Ever.

Is Kathy's book good? I want to read it but have to detach from the laptop first.

peewee said...

I love your pet names!! You're hilarious. how would we survive without the animals?!

Aunt Becky said...

Animals are so weird.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

Our cat can not be bothered with anything so intimate as personal contact. When she wants something, she steps out of the closet and flips me the bird.
Meow.

linlah said...

Catfood flavored toesickles, I think you're on to something.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Kelly - Thanks. Interesting is just a nice word for mentally challenged, right?

Hokgardener - Thank you. When I let the kids name the pets, I knew I'd have to spice them up a bit. Their names totally suit them now.

Jen - Spike is a very mellow dude. He's actually the very portrait of "chill". But he is also very determined to get what he wants. At some point he determined that was it.

Amy - Sniff. I miss mine all the time too. They are SO much better than people.

Kyslp - Thank you. Yeah Kathy's book is good so far. Not all laughs (but certainly lots). She had an interesting upbringing.

Pee Wee - Thanks. Aren't they the best. They provide so much love, companionship and bed hogging. Whe needs a man?

Aunt Becky - After reading about your dog who is essentially a roast and the poop eater the other day, I would whole heartedly agree with that statement!

LPR (Can I call you LPR?)- You have hit upon the basic essence of Spike. Always too hip for the room, he basically suffers us for the fools we are. He only makes contact when he wants something. Kind of like my kids.

Linlah - Girl, I'm getting rich on that idea. Don't make me race you to the patent office!

Lin said...

DG, you seriously need some help with those animals. Spike will love you dearly if you a) get one of those electronic cat feeders. My cats look at it like a giant gumball machine,waiting for the timer to go off. And b) a cat door. We open the glass door and prop it open a smidge. The world is their oyster and I'm no longer their slave.

As for The Wonder Dog? Uh, I don't know on that one. But all that dog spit would gross me out.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Lin - Well, I look at my kids as my cat feeders. The only problem comes into play is when Mr. Hottie-pants wants to eat before they are up. Then he comes and noshes on my toes. I do love the cat door idea, though.

I'm stumped on the Brownie thing too. It does gross me out and I try to keep her off the furniture, but the bed is tougher to control because I am busy sleeping.

Missy Karmell said...

Ha! The Hotness Monster has nothing on my persistent pile of porkrinds that masquerades as a cat. If my husband doesn't put him out at night, it's ME he wakes up. First he meows right in my ear. If that doesn't work, he'll hunt for my feet and try biting my toes or the arches of my feet.If that still doesn't work, he'll come lie beside me, put his paw rather lovingly on my arm, and then start flexing his claws repeatedly. His last little trick, which he's only ever done once....if all else fails, and I've completely covered myself with the blanket in the hope of avoiding him, he'll find the edge of the blanket, and I'll suddenly feel a furry paw searching for me under the blanket!!! I laughed so hard I couldn't get to sleep again for hours! Note to husband...PUT THE DAMN CAT OUT!!!
Karmell

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Missy - I am relieved to hear that someone else is getting gnawed on by their feline. And I don't let the cat in at bedtime (except for the dead of winter). His cat butt sleeps in a warm pile of unpicked weeds in the front garden beds. That's why I let them get so overgrown, so he has a comfy spot to lay. That's my story anyway.

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

That is gross and awesome at the same time.

And I've got my finger hovering over the BUY button on the Kathy Griffin book. Is it good?

Missy Karmell said...

Our new neighbor is making us a "cat toaster" for the winter months. Background story, they moved in and their dog house reminded us of a microwave...had a large window and a light in it, and since then we've always shouted out the window, "THEY'RE COOKING BEAR!!!" Well, Rob is such a crafty boy that he's slapping together a "Cat toaster" so my rangy little feline can spend a toasty winter outdoors, complete with a window, and a light (to take the chill off) and pink hard insulation to boot! Now, my one concern would be if the raccoon family who hangs about gets wind of this on the nature trail and mom starts getting the coon patrol as renters, rather that TOE-BOY.
Karmell

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

NGIP - Touch down on that button! I finished it in a couple of days and it was very interesting. I love her and came away from that book loving her even more.

Karmell - LOVE the idea. Your cat would totally kick a racoon's ass outta his crib.

Erin M. said...

we have a mini poodle named Monster and he enjoys licking large areas of the bed/couch/blanket, etc. too.....annoys me! but i can't help but love him!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Erin - I wonder why they do that. If it's an otherwise great dog, it's reason enough to put up with it, even if it is a little nasty.

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