Thursday, September 10, 2009


For all of my life I have had a problem getting out of my own way. I am clumsy to the point where I have eschewed all embarrassment because to allow it would mean that I would be in a constant state of it. Luckily, I have managed to keep my bone breakage to a minimum outside of about 7 or 8 broken toes. Not all at once mind you. I am a serial toe breaker. And I can sprain an ankle like nobodies business.

I have what people commonly refer to as "weak ankles". All of a sudden my ankle refuses support and it turns. It's almost like my foot and my ankle have these brief separations where the ankle tells the foot "I hate you. My mother was right about you all along. I'm leaving!" Only to turn around and come back to the big lug right away.

The problem is exacerbated by uneven surfaces - cracked pavement, curbs, rocks and pebbles in the street, transition from pavement to grass. All of those things have all done me in at one time or another. Picture this - I am in Manhattan walking across the heart of Times Square. It is crowded, all bodies and madness. I have my bag on my shoulder and my cell phone in my hand, about to make a call. The light turns green and the MASS of humanity starts to traverse the wide intersection. Around midway through, I step on a rogue pebble, about the size of a lima bean and DOWN GOES DG! DOWN GOES DG! My cell phone skitters into the intersection like a hockey puck across the ice and the entire contents of my bag are splayed across the walkway for random feet to trample with glee and abandon. The only saving grace of that situation was that I wasn't wearing a skirt.

Then there was the time that I was talking to a new coworker about the shitstorm of crazy that she had gotten herself into by taking a job with us. I pulled her outside so that we could talk in privacy while she grabbed a smoke. We were the same height, so we were talking face to face and very intensely about her new boss. Suddenly I was no longer looking her in the eye, but looking her in the nose. My right ankle decided it was quitting time and just went out. I was standing stock still, but her shift was over, so tough luck lady.

But my worst ankle disaster happened in front of the food store. I was walking out with a bag of groceries that were piled high. I could barely see past the oranges that were crowning over the top of the bag. I stepped off the curb expecting it to be the same height as the curb that I could see to the left and right of me, but I was actually stepping off at a storm drain, which was a good 8 inches deeper than the curb and I went over, hard. Oranges rolled all over the parking lot as I laid there for a second uncertain of what had just happened to me. A nice man came over and helped me up. This time was different though, I really could not walk on my ankle at all. The nice man helped me back to my car and I headed off to the doctor the next morning. I had managed to tear the ligaments of the ankle just shy of needing surgery (thank you). Instead, I hobbled around in the snow in a blow-up cast for a couple of weeks.

Yeah, I'm a klutz to be sure. Add to the weak ankles the fact that I can't pilot a shopping cart without bashing into things, open a cabinet without smashing my noggin on it or slice a cucumber without taking a hunk off an unsuspecting finger and you've got the delicious stew of clumsiness that is my life. And I have an army of family and friends that get tremendous entertainment value out of my misfortunes. Who am I to rob them of a good time? Oooh, look is that an exposed wire? Wonder what will happen if I . . . pffffffftt.

Wanna see my new perm?

13 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Lin said...

So, your figure skating career is over??

Kelly said...

Oh I've had that problem since i was like 7. My knees do it, too. I can roll over too fast in bed and my knee will pop out. Totally, know how embarrassing and painful it is. Wonder what causes it or what can be done to fix it? Have a great day!

Amy said...

My ankles ache from reading this, but the comedic factor makes up for their sqeamishness!

hokgardner said...

I don't have weak ankles, but I am chronically clumsy. I had to have knee surgery because I slipped and fell in the laundry room. My knees bear the scars of my falls while running, and last week I messed up my right hip by missing the last step off the front porch.

JStantonChandler said...

Bless you, dear DG! My ankles aren't weak (at least, not that I know of) but I do tend to walk into things. Like walls. Ones that have been where they reside for years and years. I walk into door frames a lot and kick perfectly obvious furniture. My personal favorite is tripping over nothing or falling UP a flight of stairs. Now THAT takes talent!


Angelika said...

Sorry, but this cracked me the fark up! LOL.

I've gotten so good at falling that I rarely get injured. Drop & roll, dude. ;-p

I am clumsy too, though. Most recently I dropped an iron rocking chair (like the kind you put on your porch) ON my ankle. I could barely hobble to the front of the chair to sit.

Sucks being clumsy. :-(

peewee said...

We are SO MUCH alike! I manage to trip on NOTHING and the worst is when I'm with someone and they're all "WHAT DID YOU TRIP ON?" And I have to hang my head and say "nothing."

sad. sad.

OH! AND I have been standing, just talking, and fallen over too. Well, at least it's not cuz we're drunk right? right?

linlah said...

Oh I'm really afraid to see the perm given your luck with your ankles.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Lin - Girl, it was over before it started.

Kelly - Frustrating right? Some of the wiring is clearly not hooked up correctly on the inside.

Amy - the pain is all but forgotten. And remember the old saying - Pain + Time = Comedy.

Hokgardner - It all sounds very random. The common thread is clumsy, and there is no pill for that.

Jen - You cracked me up when you said "kick perfectly obvious furniture". OMG, been there, done that, not sure what my beef was with that ottoman.

Angelika - It's ok to laugh at my gracelessness. I find it hilarious (once the injuries heel).

An IRON rocking chiar? That sounds dangerous.

Pee Wee - W-W-W-What? How is that possible? You are the "yogabitch" that gave Taye Diggs his buns of steel. How are you not the very model of gracefulness? I pictured you gliding so gracefully from place to place that you barely touched the ground. If you are not graceful, I need to lock myself up for my own protection.

And no, I am steady as a rock when I am half in the bag. Go figure.

Linlah - It's amazing what 220 volts can do to a head of hair.

Mare said...

Love this! The history of the crackages. You didn't mention that you can spill crap on your shirt like nobody else.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Mare - yup, I had the spills in there but I edited it out. With this much clumsiness going on, I was afraid I'd have to rename my blog "Diary of Forrest Gump - Stupid is as I do".

NY-GA said...

I really really hate that I have been laughing non-stop at your misfortunate. Seriously...

somebody said...


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