Thursday, September 17, 2009

Tell 'Em What They've Won, Rod Roddy!


PARTY PEOPLE, WE HAVE A WINNER!



- - - - - - - Drumroll please. - - - - - - - -

And the winner is Amy from Good Bye 20's. . .Hello Botox. Congratulations Amy!


So what does this mean to you? Well, it means that you get your blog name prominently featured on the least read blog on the Internet (you lucky devil, you) and you get one, brand-spankin new, ever-so-sanitary, better than a pile of babies, puppies and rock stars box of vinyl gloves!!!!!!!!!! Yeah, that's right bitches! Amy is the proud owner of a 100 count box of vinyl glovin (cue porn music). Also, to go along with your prominent feature on the least read blog on the Internet (it's good to be the best at something, I tell ya) I am going to send you a baseball hat emblazoned with the name and url of the aforementioned, least read blog on the Internet. This is a slick promotional move on my part as it is sure to up my readership by the one person that will see you wear it when you make a febrile run to the store for Theraflu at 2:00 am and need to cover your hair with something, anything, even this piece of crap hat!


You rock Amy. Use your gloves as you see fit. You're a grownup and shit.


So, the purpose behind the 100th blogtacular celebration and give away was to get some feedback from you folks on ways that I can improve my blog. I was hoping that you'd let me know whether I post too little or too much, that I needed a face lift or that you'd send me requests to add more content about the Amish (I know, I know, I already took ALL the air out of that subject). But, you were all too kind and did not want to hurt my bloggy feelings, so I got very little in the way of direction on the blog. So guess what? It stays the bleedin same. All except for three suggestions, that I think bear some consideration:



1) Wendi Aarons proved her genius for comedy and her advertising and promotional savvy by suggesting that I did not have enough beauty shots of ham. Well dammit, she is SO right. So I am adding a picture and a call out right under my masthead that screams - Now With More Ham! I have also added a little picture of a beautifully glazed ham, for those of you that are horny for food porn. Thanks Wendi!


2) Lin over at Duck and Wheel with String suggested more photos of Brownie the Wonder Dog and Spike the Hotness Monster. Look Lin, I know that the Spiker is compelling subject. He has a catly appeal that is way off the charts. However, too many viewings of him in repose could cause your eyelashes to burst into flames and then where would I be? In court, perhaps? I'll amp it up a little, but I have to keep a bit of a lid on some of that unbridled sex appeal.


3) Aunt Becky over at Mommy Wants Vodka said that I did not have enough odes to her. I have professed much bloggy love for her on these pages , but I am clearly not hitting it out of the park, so, I have gone ahead and worked up a little ode. Elizabeth Barret Browning is spinning like a top right now. Sorry Liz, hadda show mad love for Aunt Becky, even if it is a heinously constructed abuse use of your work. I am clearly not a poet and I am pretty sure that next time, I'll just mail her a box of candy.



How do I love Aunt Becky? Let me count the ways.
I love her to the depth and breadth and height
Her corn rows can reach, when dancing with a white girl's overbite
For the ends of those rows are beaded and full of corny goodness.
I love thee to the level of orchids oer which I can barely see
By land, sea, air and internets
I love thee freely, as if loving you is wrong, I don't want to be right
I love thee purely, as the mortified face of your Daver when buying love toys
I love thee with a passion put to use in selection of over-styled glasses
I love thee as thy fingers do tap, tap, tap at keys where humor abounds
I love thee with the love of a belly laugh expressed or silent tear shed
With your lost sleep, --- to love you as a fist full of vicodin doth offer comfort
Smiles, tears, of all your life in the sausage factory --- and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after purchase of a scanner to see more pictures of thy flaxen hair assaulted with pink extensions.


Thanks to everyone that entered. Here's hoping that I can get to 200 and give away something better than some vinyl gloves. Can you say potted meat?







15 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Wendi said...

Yay! Ham! This blog seems so much more literary already!
(LOL @ Rod Roddy)

Amy said...

Can I just say...that I am UBER excited over this win!! I recognize I was up against some pretty extreme competition...Aunt Becky this award is yours, just as much as it is mine.

I will reflect on all of you as I prepare and handle all meat from this day forth!

Thanks DG!! You and your blog totally rock!!

JStantonChandler said...

DG, you always make me laugh when I need it the most! More ham is always a good thing :)

Jen

Lin said...

I'm not a big ham person--could there not be yogurt and some carrot sticks for those of us who are eternally dieting??

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Wendi - Ham makes everything better.

Amy - I couldn't be happier if I won them myself. The hat is still not here, but as soon as it is, I will ship out.

Jen - Happy to oblige. Vinyl gloves are just inherently funny, like turnips.

Lin - Hmmmmm. I thought about it, but nope. I can't celebrate yogurt (much as it may be a fact of life). Let's split the difference on a nice grilled chicken breast.

Aunt Becky said...

I am framing my poem. It is the only one I have ever gotten in my entire like and I love it. Thank you.

And I'm pretty sure Amy rigged The Internet ;)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Aunt Becky - Glad you liked it! Perhaps next time I could praise you through the majesty of song. Do you like techno?

linlah said...

Oh yea, potted meat.

Haley said...

I'm not so sure that your blog is the least read on the internet - you get lots of comments for your stories. I usually only get one comment per post. Thanks by the way for being that one! Otherwise- I don't think anyone reads it. Oh well - we all need a hobby. Too bad I didn't win the gloves - I would have filed them with pudding and periodically slapped the big goofball owner upside the head with them.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Linlah - You go to the top of the list for mechanically separated chicken in a can!

Haley - I wouldn't miss your posts for anything. And pudding in a glove sounds like a good time for all! I just might try that myself.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

you are definitely not the least read blog on the internet DEFINITELY

the hours i pour over dribble would astound you and i think to myself - i have GOT to be the only person reading this crap

the blog name caught me and now i am here, in your bathroom - come see me at my crib

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Crib - So glad you checked into the bathroom. I will definitely pop into the crib. Sorry you missed the big vinyl glove giveaway. It was quite special.

Mare said...

I love your blog just the way it is. Tried to think of a suggestion - and all I can say is MORE MORE MORE! -You could always write about the little girl who dreams about having a most peculiar super power: shooting liverwurst slices from her eyeballs! Who luv's ya Baby? Eartha Do!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Mare- Or I could tell the story of the woman who dreams that she cuts her arm and pickle and jalapeno slices fall out. Ertha loves you back!

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