Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Only Lie I Ever Got Away With

I am not a good liar or even that interested in lying. Now, before you assume that I'm the type to give away surprise parties or reveal what's under the wrapping paper before you open the gift, I'm not. That's an impulse control problem. I don't have that. But, when it comes to a meatier more significant lie, I am as see through as tissue paper because I just don't do well with fabrication. I am far too forgetful to remember my own story and I end up tripping myself up at some point. Honestly, I probably don't lie because I am too ego maniacal to knowingly do something that will result in failure.


The other problem that I have with lying is that one of my two kids has very finely tuned perception and is apt to call bullshit on me in every case where I try to use mom logic (ie. If you eat broccoli, you will grow big and strong) or little white lies (Fuggs are just as good as Uggs, they are made by the same factory). She cuts through my baloney like a laser, calls me out on it (usually in public) and makes me look dumb(er than I really am).


But there was this one time that I got over on her and my son in such a beautiful way that it goes into my personal lying hall of fame. This lie also had the added benefit of absurdity, giving me pants-pissing fits of laughter every time I think of it. Are you ready? I somehow managed to convince my children (9 and 6 at the time) that my husband, their father had been a world famous break dancer named Boogaloo Shrimp.


Now, those of you that remember the 80's will recognize this name as a mash up of the two main dancers from the movies Breakin and Breakin 2 Electric Boogaloo - Shabadoo and Boogaloo Shrimp. These were no ordinary movies either, they were celluloid stinkers of such epic proportions that somewhere, some film teacher has to be screening them to film students as a cautionary tale.


I told my kids that he used to travel the country going to break dance competitions and that I would follow him from town to town, doing his hair and putting together his wardrobe. I knew I had them early into the story because they leaned in and listened with rapt attention, never pausing to fight even once. Then they asked questions, which I answered confidently and with great detail. I have to say, I was committed and I said my fiction with convition.

After that, I sat back for the payoff, which to me was just having my husband come down the stairs and say "So I'm a break dancer named Boogaloo Shrimp, huh?". That would have been enough to make this whole thing worthwhile. But no, the reward was far greater.


I guess I had forgotten that children being what they are, love to brag about their parents to other children and that those children turn around and tell their parents about the cool thing that they heard. So fast forward a couple of weeks and we are at a neighborhood barbecue. I walked up to the grill and as I put my plate out for a hamburger, our neighbor says to me (without a trace of irony) "So hubs used to be a break dancer? " I froze up, startled at the question and as soon as I looked him in the eye, I broke into a fit of hysterical laughter. I laughed so hard, I forgot about my hamburger and had to walk away to compose myself.


It wasn't until later in the evening, when I caught my husband giving me the stink-eye from the corner of the yard, that I realized that the bomb had finally been dropped on him. Seems he had spent the better part of the barbecue explaining to people that he was never this -




I'm pretty sure he still hates me a little for that one.

61 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

That One Mom said...

LMAO! That is a fabrication of epic proportions! Amazing!

I totally remember the Breakin' movies!

Ladybird said...

:) Loved it! Thank you! Ladybird
http://www.rainxrunway.blogspot.com

singedwingangel said...

Roflmbo.. Ok I liked the breaking movies, ( I attribute it to youth and fascination lol) but that was a good one I must give you points for that. The fact that the kids carried it forward in the I've got a Secret game makes it even more hilarious.

Working Mommy said...

OH. DEAR. GOD!!! That DEFINITELY sounds like something I would do to my poor husband - or that he would do to me. I think that we'd better get our stories straight before our 4 month old learns the truth!! LOL!

Happy Hump Day SITStah!!

~Working Mommy
Come on by, stay for a while and leave a comment or two!

Honey Bee said...

That is truly classic. Your kids will remember that forever! lol

Lee the Hot Flash Queen said...

I have two kids hanging on me and irritating the crap outta me right now, but just wanted to say good morning and HELP!

smiles4u said...

LOL! I am like you in that I don't like lying and am terrible at it. But, I love making up stories and seeing if I can pull one over my kids and it is so stinkin funny when I do.

glitterbygrammie said...

I almost peed my pants. That was awesome.

Annette said...

FDL That is too funny! *wipes tears of laughter from the keyboard* I stink at lying as well.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

this is great. I say take this and make it even bigger. Tell your kids that he also knows "too much" about aliens.

Willoughby said...

That's a good one! I'm a terrible liar, myself, but fiction......well, that's another thing entirely. I can convince my kids that my husband and I have done some pretty amazing things. It never occured to me that they might tell their friends and it would come back to haunt me!

Kristina P. said...

Love it. I can totally spin on my head.

MiMi said...

Oh, holy heck, that is frikken' hilarious!!! I love it!
I always trip myself up on my lies too, but Boogaloo Shrimp has got to be one of the best BEST lies ever. I love it! :) In fact, it's big enough and good enough, you need to remind them of it when they're older. Call it the Boogaloo Shrimp Incident of (whatever year it was you told this whopper.) Awesome.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

That. Was. Awesome. Just wow.

Noelle said...

oh my. i love that story.

happy thanksgiving to you and boogaloo.

"Julie" said...

omg, that made my day. I'm also a terrible liar, however, making up random stuff to strangers about my life/profession seems to always come so easily! Happy thanksgiving!

Confessions From A Working Mom said...

Wooooooo hoo! That is one awesome story. I wouldn't consider it so much a "lie", but a "fractured fairy tale". I LOVE IT!

~Elizabeth
http://confessionsfromaworkingmom.blogspot.com

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

That One Mom – How do you remember them? Fondly or with side –splitting hilarity? I think you know my answer.

Ladybird – Thank you mucho.

singedwingangel – I knew I’d run across at least one Breakin’ fan. Now that means you have to single-handedly bring the look back.

Working Mommy – It’s much harder to coordinate stories across two parents. I say, make the story about the other parent and you’ll never have to worry.

Honey Bee – They still bring it up and my husband still groans every time they do.

Lee – Good morning. And if my arms could reach to Texas, I’d get in there and lend a hand.

Smiles4U – Putting one over on the kids might be as good as crack.

Glitter by Grammie – My husband STILL fails to see the humor in it. Can’t imagine why.

Annette – Thanks. In many ways I envy good liars.

MODG – That might actually be true.

Kristina P – Must. Post. Video. Immediately!

Willoughby – Just wait. One of your teachers will start off your parent teacher conference with “how excited you must be that your husband is closing in on cold fusion.”

MiMi – you know, I think that Thanksgiving is a perfect time to bust out the story around the dinner table.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 – Thank you kindly! I must say, it still makes me laugh over 4 years later.

Noelle – Thank you dearie! Bugaloo and I will be whipping out our little hunk of cardboard and busting a few moves this holiday. Have to. The demand is just that high.

Julie – You must share the lies that you are telling to randoms. Very intriguing.

Joanne said...

OH.MY.Frikken.goodness that is stinking perfect hilarious on so many many levels.

You are my new hero - thank goodness I followed you over from "The Crib"

Arizona Mamma said...

I had to laugh out loud a little bit at this one. I was imagining it as I went along as if it were my husband. Thanks for the riot!

Arizona Mamma said...

Oh, and by a little bit, I mean a lot!

Existential Waitress said...

OMG - this is sooo awesome! My husband and I love to play practical jokes on each other and this one rocks. And I just recently watched Breakin' and it is truly awful (and by that I mean it's awesome BECAUSE it's terrible).

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

fantastic!!! And, they ALL believed you?!?!? Wow!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Joanne - Thanks. I'm dang glad to have you here.

Arizona Mamma - I have not copyrighted the gag, so feel free to use it at will. I'm curious how other husbands would react.

Existential Waitress - You hit the nail on the head. Good because it's soooooo bad. My hubby can bust a move, no?

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Roshni - I'm sure I shot a life's worth of credibility on that,but it was so worth it!

3LittleMonkeys said...

Hahahahaha....that it totally funny!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

3 Little monkies - I wonder if I have another one like this in me. I could use the laugh.

linlah said...

UGH or UGG, Except for my name and everyone else's on my blog I tell the truth because I'm doomed by my father's DNA.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Linlah - Those aren't real names? I just thought they were hippie names. Did I mention how gulible I am?

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Confessions of a Working Mommy - It's a fractured fairy tale if you grew up on Beat Street - http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086946/

angryredhead said...

HAH! I love it!

Menopausal New Mom said...

Wow!! If you're gonna tell a lie, this one is a classic! Love that your kids fell for it and maybe even some of your neighbors Lol!!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Angry Redhead - Thanks. It's healthy to get under your husband's skin. At least that's what I tell myself.


Menopausal New Mom - The entertainment factor was what helped me carry this out. This potential pay-off was great incentive.

Jen Chandler said...

Oh my freaking gosh! That's hilarious! My face hurts from laughing. I read this outloud and my husband exclaimed, "That was brilliant!" That's awesome. You deserve a medal for that one!

Happy Thanksgiving,
Jen

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Jen - Thanks. I'm glad your hubby liked it (though that does mean you won't be able to use this particular tall tale on him.)

Have a great Thanksgiving!

KK said...

That is too funny!

Maven said...

I found you via Cribs and love your blog. Both you and Cribs are new finds for me this evening thanks to a link on Stir Fry Awesomeness.

For this I am most grateful.

Happy Thanksgiving. It's great to meet funny, fabulous, writers!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

KK - It was more fun than grownups should be allowed to have.

Maven - Thank you so much. If you come from Stirfry Awesomeness then you are a person of taste and distinction. Kys is awesome, as is SFTC.

susan said...

Glad I found you, love the witty repartee. Chin hair? Hilarious!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Susan - glad to have you here. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Lin said...

HILARIOUS! I'm not sure what is funnier--that you convinced your kids of this or that he was "outed" at the party! Good for you. Keep that family on it's toes, DG! You crack me up. :)

Conquer The Monkey said...

that is some funny action!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!
CHEERS

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Lin - Can you please stop by this weekend and explain to my husband how this is a humorous situation and that I am an absolute gem? This is generally lost on him ;)

Conquer the Monkey - Have a great Thanksgiving!

Michele said...

LMAO... seriously ~ ASS completely off!!
That was hysterical. WOW, that was an EPIC lie.
I can't stop snickering.

Thanks for the mid-afternoon chuckle!

Happy Thanksgiving to you!
Hope you have a wonderful day ;)

Insanitykim said...

Oh man, we just watched both of those movies about 6 months ago; snot flew out of my nose when I read that sentence. I am not much of a pee-er...

However...

I once almost had my husband convinced that I never poop. Or fart. Sure, we were 16 and 17 at the time but, after my long explanation he looked at me for about 3 seconds before saying, "wow, really?"

What can I say. Sicilians are good liars. And cooks. But, about 2 weeks into our marriage he realized I was a TOTAL liar. The end.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Michele - Thanks. Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

InsanityKim - The no poop or fart myth has been perpetuated by women throughout history. The men usually don't buy it, but apparently, your sales pitch was primo.

Susan Fobes said...

I'm not sure which is funnier-fooling the kids or ousting the husband!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Susan Fobes - I delighted in both!

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

Thanks for the great laugh. Classic story that you'll tell over and over!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Nancy - Thanks. Yes, I do tend to bust it out at parties.

Cynica Sarcastamos said...

Oh! My cheeks hurt! This is funny. Do another!

kerrycharacters said...

Makes me feel better about telling each of my five children in turn (and they believe it to this day - probably even the cynical teenagers) that I can see the truth by looking into their ears. "Did you eat the chocolate?" (usually physical proof visible on face), "Can I look in your ear?". I know if my two year old has been up to no good as she walks around with her hands clamped over her ears. So what are you, a break dancer's moll? Too funny.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Cynica Sarcastamos - I don't know if I have another one in me of this proportion. Let me think on it. . .

kerrycharacters -God that's brilliant! I wish I would have heard that 7 years ago, because I SO would have used it!

miss jo said...

An amazing yarn. I'm in stiches !

Aunt Juicebox said...

We used to tell my daughter we found her on the front porch in a laundry basket when she was a baby. We made up some fake name, and a story on the note pinned to her diaper. When she was about 8 or 9, she finally told us she wanted to be called by her "real" name if the story was true. I still tell her that now at 16, and she actually pretends to believe it.

kys said...

LMAO! That was a great story! You should start participating in Memoir Monday at I Like to Fish. You're a great story teller.

Miss Dot said...

Epic indeed! Fantastic story (both the first time and the re-telling). Well done!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Miss Jo - Thanks. A certain guy that I live with tends to disagree.

AuntJuicebox -That's funny. I had a friend whose older brothers used to tell her they found her in a trash can.

Kys - Thanks. I'll have to ask my children if they remember other ways that I tormented them so that I can write a few.

Miss Dot - Thanks. Is it wrong that I don't feel so much as a trace of shame about this?

Amy said...

When my sister was around 6, I told her her real name was Lynseth. (It's actually Lynsay) We have a brother named Kenneth, so she totally bought it and was in tears over the entire realization. She's 22 now and I still taunt her with that nickname;)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Amy - A good torment lasts a lifetime. That was obviously well crafted.

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