Saturday, November 28, 2009

This is What Happens When You Don't Take No For An Answer

Language warning on this post. Please come back next post if swear words make you uncomfortable. It's impossible to tell this story without them.

There's something you should know about me Internet. . . I'm not like other girls. Or boys for that matter. At least not when it comes to graft.


Back in the nineties, I was working for a large New York bank in their Credit Card Marketing division. I was in a systems liaison role between IT and Marketing, and as such, I had no purchasing power or business influence in any way. My job was to make sure that software got developed and deployed to the Marketing Department's specifications. Yet there was one particular salesman who was so determined to keep and develop our business, that he tried to buy everyone on the Marketing team, including me.

This salesman, we'll call him Ira, worked for a large company that was a consultant to our bank in the loyalty marketing arena. They were experts in building customer relationships and had consulted to almost every enormous conglomerate you could imagine. The founder was a very strange but brilliant man who believed so deeply in the concept of quality in business that he wore the word around his neck in necklace form. Trust me when I tell you that you haven't lived until you've seen a 70 year old Norwegian man sporting rapper bling in the office. This thing was so huge, it would have made T Pain blush.


Now before I go on, you need to know that many of the Marketing people that I worked with were VERY open to accepting what ira had to offer. Broadway show tickets, concert tickets, expensive dinner and gifts of every imaginable kind. So when I had to go out to Minneapolis to babysit a systems installation that this company was doing on our behalf, his expectations had been set by those that came before me.


The first day that I was in Minneapolis, Ira hunted me down in the office and offered to take me to dinner. I politely refused him, citing my exhaustion from the trip, but Ira, I learned, does not take no for an answer. He called me, visited me and sent me messages via other employees that he wanted to take me to dinner. Eventually too tired to argue anymore, I said yes.

Ira picked me up at my hotel at 7:00 that night. When I asked him where we were going, he told me The Mall of America. I am certain that I made the poo face when he said this because he immediately started selling me on the mall - it was enormous, had many great restaurants and even an indoor roller coaster. Well whoop de doo! All I could think was if I were back at my room I'd be two spoons into an ice cream sundae and a pay per view movie by now.

In his defense, Ira did pick a lovely restaurant and we made bullshit small talk about Beaujolais and ice fishing (if you know anyone from Minnesota, you know that the talk invariably turns to ice fishing). After I rejected the steady stream of drinks and desserts that he offered he asked me if he could buy me something in the mall. Of course, my answer was no. I just wanted to go back to the hotel. Finally he said, how about we go to a movie. Again, my answer was no. But again, Ira wasn't hearing it. He asked again. Now I was officially pissed. I truly hate to be harrassed, as my kids are well aware and that was the final straw. But before I could tell him to shove the entire movie theater up his ass, I had what I can only describe as a stroke of evil genius. "Sure Ira, let's go to the movies."


We walked up to the movie theater and Ira purchased the tickets. "What is this movie about?" he asked, mentioning that he had never heard of it. "I really don't know." I said, lying through my teeth. As we sat waiting for the movie to start, Ira was still offering to take me to this store or that to buy me whatever I wanted and again, I politely refused. Mercifully, the house lights dimmed and the movie started.

The opening scene starts with a couple having breakfast in what looks like a southern California diner. They are very affectionate and clearly in love. They are kind of an adorable couple. The girl is very mousey, almost shy and the guy has a thick English accent. They call each other pet names, look lovingly at each other, order refills of coffee and then begin to talk about robbing the diner. Before you know it, the mouse and the Brit are up on their feet waiving guns in the air and yelling the following:

Pumpkin: All right, be cool, this is a robbery.
Honey Bunny: Any of you fucking pricks move, and I'll execute every mother fucking last one of you!

With this, I can feel Ira's body tense up. Then Misirlou comes blasting out of the speakers and the opening credits roll. Yes, I took Ira to see Pulp Fiction. With every scene - the foot rub conversation, the Ezekiel speech, the overdose scene, bring out the gimp, Marvin's head in the back of the car, Ira's butt clenched a little bit tighter. And as his sphincter went into overdrive, my heart sang with increasing levels of glee.

When we walked out of the theater Ira seemed a little shaken. He sighed heavily and asked me what I thought of the movie. I answered him honestly - "Ira, that was the most amazing movie I've seen in ten years. I thought that was some of the most incredible dialogue I've ever heard." He was still visibly shaken and told me that he thought it was terribly violent. I just shrugged and started walking through the mall. Ira caught up to me and asked if I wanted to go for a drink. I politely refused and mumbled under my breath "What I really want is a wallet that says Bad Motherfucker". "What was that?" he asked. "Just saying thank you for the lovely evening. Can you take me back to my hotel? I'm tired.". Strangely enough, this time, Ira didn't argue.

61 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I do believe Marsellus Wallace, my husband, your boss, told you to take ME out and do WHATEVER I WANTED. Now I wanna dance, I wanna win. I want that trophy, so dance good.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

More reasons to heart you.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Monique - EXACTLY!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

LPR - Ira never darkened my door again ;)

Amy said...

I have always loved you DG...you know I have, but as I read quickly and ferverntly to try and guess the name of the mystery movie, I nearly began to weep with excitement! You totally rock with that coniving little tryst you unloaded on Ira!

There is little more I love more than Quentin Tarantino films!

GREAT POST!!!

Honey B. said...

Hilarious!

Sara said...

It would've been tempting to kick him in the shin and say, "Oh, I'm sorry. Did I break your concentration?!"

You do good things.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Amy - I love me some QT too. The hubs and I part way on Kill Bill (me likie, he no likie), but all in all, it's something we can enjoy together.

Honey B - Thanks. Ira did not think so.

Sara - Oh yes! That would have been awesome!

singedwingangel said...

Now I am not a Pulp fiction girl but I love KILL BILL lol.. I would have paid to have a been a fly on the wall in that theater..

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Singed Winged Angel - Who doesn't love a little Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique?

Erin said...

"And as his sphincter went into overdrive, my heart sang with increasing levels of glee." LOVE THIS!!! So funny, DG!

The Crazy Baby Mama said...

you are my hero.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Erin - Thanks. It was funny at the time for one of us (can you guess which one?).


Crazy Baby Mama - I love anyone that supports my bad behavior. ;)

tori said...

great story! I agree with Erin on the sphincter line...classic!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Tori -Thanks! I swear I could hear that thing squeaking.

Maven said...

Poor Ira!

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!

meanwhile, The Gimp still give me the heebies.

Straitjackets are Slimming said...

excellent!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Maven - Ira had it coming. The gimp was weirdness. I wonder what actor played him. Wouldn't it be funny if it was someone who ended up famous. I can just hear him on Jimmy Fallon "My breakout role was "the Gimp" in Pulp Fiction. "

Straightjackets - Thank you. Thank you very much.

Noelle said...

good golly, poor ira. just reading this post made my spincter pucker up. ;)

Raoulysgirl said...

Mwa ha ha!!! That was awesome!

Cynica Sarcastamos said...

THAT is funny! Sounds like you out-Ira'd Ira. :)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Noelle - The dude and his spincter had it coming.

Raoulysgirl - Thanks, it was awesome fun for me.

Cynica - I don't think it is possible to out Ira Ira. However, I did manage to get him off my case.

Freddae' said...

Hilarious!!!!

Insanitykim said...

Woah.

After the movie, you should have made your own wallet, with a bedazzler, and made him some bling to match.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Freddae- Thank you. Can you tell that I really enjoyed it? Maybe more than I should have?

InsanityKim - I can still make him one and mail it, just to remind him that I am still around and to keep avoiding me.:p

linlah said...

Zed is dead baby, Zed is dead.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Linlah - Yes!

Nancy@ifevolutionworks.com said...

Graft was so big when I was working in the city. Huge. Giving, getting. It's very different now and almost (but not quite) non existant.

See now I would have bailed with "female" issues. Something tells me Ira wouldn't have known what to do with that one.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I often feel like putting a movie like that in when some specific friends of mine come over. Their kids aren't allowed to watch Harry Potter, and recently they were denied the new Star Trek movie because of a scene where two women are in their underwear. One time I just want to shock the hell out of the mother.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Nancy - you are so right. Somewhere around the mid-late 90's a policy was put in place that disallowed acceptance of gifts other than meals less than $100. It changed the game completely.

Auntie Juicebox- I know people like that. Grrrrr.

kys said...

In France, they call it Le Big Mac.

You are an evil genius!

Aunt Becky said...

I want a replica of his necklace.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Kys - I was just pushed to my limit.

Aunt Becky - Girl, you should change your name to "Quality".

Menopausal New Mom said...

Cute story! Bet he learned his lesson!!! Great movie though wasn't it!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Menopausal New Mom - If you mean by learned his lesson - never called me again or so much as looked me in the eye when he was in the office, then yes, a lesson was learned.

Annie @ astonesthrowfrominsanity said...

OK - Stopping by from SITs. I had no idea what I was getting into! Ha! I loved, loved, loved it!! Isn't it nice to be a bad MFer sometimes?!?!?

Mommy Lisa said...

Ummm. I was born and raised in Minnesota. I can tell you the only reason anyone brings up ice fishing is to freak out people from warm climates. Hardly anyone actually does it.

MiMi said...

The mental image I have of this guy, (pimp??) really grosses me out. :) I think we must be related, with you making him watch that movie and all...sounds like something I would do!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Annie - SITS is awesome. I always stumble into something fun through SITS? I luv being a bad MF now and again. It keeps the good girl in me on her toes.

Mommy Lisa - Well damn those folks that made the Grumpy Old Men movies because they are perpetuating the stereo type. Honestly, all the men at this company in Edina were ice fisherman. They all had ice shacks and it was all they talked about. Maybe they were unusual . . .or maybe they were doing it to suck up to the boss, who was an avid ice fisherman and wearer of gangsta jewelry.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Mimi - We all have our breaking point and Ira found mine. How was that for some passive/aggressive behavior?

Christina said...

That's absolutely awesome. I love it when inspiration strikes.

blueviolet said...

Oh you give good date!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

BlueViolet - Whoa! Let's be clear, this was NOT a date. I was already married back then. This was just a business dinner with a salesman with a very extensive expense account. He spent it like he would lose it if he didn't use it.I was never in the running to be Mrs. Ira.

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

amazing. please teach classes. Oh and thanks for the birthday wishes!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

MODG - Glad you had a great birthday. Let's face it, we girls can do passive/aggressive without a single lesson. ;P

Conquer The Monkey said...

you are damn funny mama.

Cadywax said...

This post was fuckin' trippy.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Conquer the Monkey - Thank you mam.

Cadywax -Thank you Jody.

Jen said...

We don't all talk about ice fishing, at least not during the summer time, which lasts about a week. Right now we have no ice so setting up the shack is out of the question and it is burning most of the residents of this Midwestern town to no end. MOA isn't that bad and at least you had about a hundred movies to choose from. I'm sorry you didn't get to see the best of Minneapolis, which is St. Paul. I'm new here but had a blast. Poor Ira.

Christine aka Mistress of Cakes said...

Hello fellow SITSta! I need your help!

Could you vote for me in Iron Cupcake?

(I am campaigning for votes….because I put a lot of time and effort into this)

If there is anything I can do for you in the future don’t hesitate to ask!

Here is the link: http://mamanandgourmand.blogspot.com/2009/11/please-vote-for-me-iron-cupcake.html

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Jen - I actually made several trips to Minneapolis (though only one included torment by/of Ira). Luckily on one of those trips I stayed in the city of Minneapolis instead of Edina. We stayed in the coolest boutique hotel (I wish I could remember its name) and tried some restaurants in the city. I loved the city and there was no talk if ice fishing.

Christine Mistress of Cakes - I'll check it out.

Susan Fobes said...

I hate pushy people and this guy seemed to be the worst! I'm not sure I would have thought as quickly as you, but I'm glad it solved your problem. LOL!

Sabrina said...

Glad you were able to shake Ira off at the end!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Susan Fobes - Me too. He needed to learn to be a better listener.

Sabrina - Thanks. It was well worth hanging out with him against my will.

Organic Meatbag said...

Hahaha! I STILL want that Bad Mutherfucka wallet!

llutze said...

Thanks for a good belly laugh! Stopping by from SITS!!!!!!!!!!! xo

Jennifer said...

Awesome! Were you at the Mall of America? Happy Saturday Sharefest!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Organic Meatbag - I have one. I'll flip ya for it.

Llutze - Thanks for stopping by.

Jennifer - Yes,I have been to the Mall of America. It's something else!

miss jo said...

I will remember this story next time someone becomes gum on my shoe. Thank you !

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Miss Jo - How would we shock and awe someone today? Maybe the live, nude men show at the Nob Hill Theater?

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