Saturday, January 30, 2010

Hi Mr G, How Do You Poo?


This post is not for the squeamish. Curiosity is killing you, right? Don't say I didn't warn you. . .

When I was in first grade, I used to walk home from school with a boy on my block named Randy Grippo. Randy was an annoying kid. You know, the kind that tells grandiose lies and steals your toys. The most succinct way to describe him would be to say that he was a "little shit".

On the last day of school before Christmas break, as we arrived at the corner of our block where we would go our separate ways toward our respective houses, Randy asked me if he could come in and use our bathroom. I looked him in the eye and asked him why he needed to use our bathroom when he lived a mere ten houses down the block. But there was something pleading in his facial expression, so I said that he could come in.

My daily after school ritual was to watch Popeye at 3:00 PM on WPIX. It was my way to unwind after school and my mom allowed me to watch it before I did any homework or chores (stop laughing mom).

I sat down in front of the TV with a glass of chocolate milk and watched the cartoons. I loved Popeye and got all caught up in the complex dynamics of the love triangle between Popeye, Olive and Bluto. Before I knew it, it was 3:3o and Popeye was over and I hadn't seen or heard from Randy for the last half hour. Just as I realized this, he slunk past me sideways and ran out the front door, shouting his goodbyes as he ran. Odd behavior, but he was an odd kid, so nothing surprised me.

Fifteen minutes after Randy left, I heard a blood curdling scream coming from the bathroom. My mother was screaming, no, SHREIKING my name. When I arrived at the bathroom door, she was holding a poo covered bath rug in her hands. I looked around the bathroom and there was poo on the toilet seat, poo smears on the floor, poo on everything. It wasn't clear exactly how the poo had managed to cover so much ground, but it was very clear that Randy had a major intestinal issue going on.



- - - - - - -But wait, it gets WORSE. Yes, I said WORSE. - - - - - - - -


Cut to the next day. Christmas day. And we are all loaded up in the car, about to make the trek out to my Aunt and Uncle's house out in distant Suffolk County. The gifts were loaded in the car and the fam was all dressed up in their Christmas finery. Everything was ready to go, except the toilet. For some reason the danged thing was stopped up and wouldn't flush, despite my father's best plunging and Drano dispensing efforts.

Not content to leave a plugged toilet while we are so far away, my father felt compelled to correct the situation. So he trudged downstairs with the snake and opened up the cap to the main sewage line. He let out 10 feet of snake, then 20, and so on until he felt like he hit something in the line. Then he started to reel it in like a fish on a hook. He could feel the weight of whatever it was, tugging along on the end of the line.

At this point we had been sitting in a running car for 20 minutes. My mother turned off the car and we went back into the house and found the basement door open. Assuming that this was where my dad was, we went down to see what was holding him up. We arrived at the Laundry Room door just as my father was reeling in his catch. Then we heard a whoosh and a rush of liquid as my father got covered from head to toe in raw sewage.

Completely stunned from what had just happened, my father staggered and grabbed wildly for a towel from the dirty clothes pile to wipe the poo from his eyes. Then he inspected the offending item on the end of the snake line and called out "Size 6X Boys Fruit of the Loom." Then he shook them at me and demanded "Are these yours?". Even though I knew not to mess with him in his fragile state, I fired back a sarcastic "Yeah, I wear boys briefs every day.". Then like a collective light bulb, we all looked at each other and muttered "Randy".

Apparently my little friend had an accident and tried to flush the evidence down our toilet. Knowing that he would probably get the daylights beaten out of him, my dad didn't tell Mr. Grippo, and I never mentioned it to Randy.

How did he pay us back for our silence? He robbed our house when he was 19 and got away with it thanks to the lameness of the Nassau County Police. We weren't the only family that he robbed and it eventually caught up with him. He is currently a ward of the NY State Penal system for multiple counts of burglary and won't be out any time soon.

I told you he was a little shit.

62 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Ma What's 4 dinner said...

Oh Wow!!! Randy??? How could you????

You know when I first stared reading, I felt bad for little Randy. I thought how embarassed would this poor guy be if he stumbled upon your blog. By the time I got to the end I thought you should maybe post this on a billboard on the Long Island Expressway!

Thank for making me laugh!!!

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! I'll be back here for sure soon!

Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner?
www.mawhats4dinner.com

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Alex - Thanks for stopping by. There is no need to feel sorry for Randy. There was another time I beat him up and made him eat dirt, but that was for lying about me and stealing from me. Again, you need to believe me when I tell you he deserved every mouthful.

Stereos and Souffles said...

Now he can't hide his explosive craps. What a story!

leigh said...

Wow, that all that I have to say!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Stereos and Souffles - I wouls assume that the whole communal pooping thing isn't his favorite part of prison.

Leigh - My mom and dad took a lot of shit for that kid (pun totally intended).

Sara said...

My mouth was hanging open for the better part of this.

I mean, what kind of intestinal issues are you having that you can't even get it in the toilet??

And who, I ask you, decides it's a good idea to flush undies???

Boys are just not practical or resourceful in these situations.

And then then little punk stole from you. That's the thanks you get for not outing him. I'll bet he wishes he had his own toilet now.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sara - Oh yeah. His doo doo situation is right out in the open these days!

Allyson said...

I wouldn't call that such a "litte" shit...more like a shit painter. That was so disgusting...I appreciate the warning beforehand. And the 20/20-esque follow-up on where Randy is now. His mother must be so proud.

June said...

What a little Shit!
There is no way I would have kept quiet about that.
Funny how everything comes full circle, huh?

Insanitykim said...

Oh my gosh this story scared the crap out of me! Seriously!

Smeared poop = state pen for some, awesome blog posts for others.

You so have book material girl. Remember I get the first copy. Psh, yes, I SO do...

singedwingangel said...

WOW that is all I can say is just WOW..

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Allyson - A strange but totally poo story. As you might expect, we bust it out at Christmas and other family gatherings.

June - Maybe we should have told on him. Might have deterred his life of crime (but I doubt it).

Kim - What? You mean this didn't happen to everyone? You are top of the book list, if I ever write one.

Angel - Yeah, there were a couple of years that we couldn't talk about it too.

Alyssa said...

There is nothing worse than having to clean up poop- cleaning your own child's is bad enough. But another kids poop how horrible. I hope for his sake he has his poop matters under control because I am sure they don't look at that too favorable in the State Pen. Loving your blog!

linlah said...

Holy crap, that's a lot of poop from such a little shit.

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

oK, I had to read that with like one eye half open. Ew. Eww.

Is it weird that I want to google his name now?

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Alyssa - I know. Eww. My poor mom got stuck with that and my dad got worse.

Linlah - He stirred a mess of shit in our house that weekend.

Monique - I changed his name. Please don't e-mail anyone named Randy Grippo and ask why they crapped all over DG's bathroom, as they will not know what you are talking about.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

Yeah, that's bad.
Your family could have used the services of our dog who considers human feces a delicacy.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

LPR - That is a unique service. I know the cat variety is usually preferred in the canine community.

3LittleMonkeys said...

Shiver Me Timbers, that's gross! Payback's a bitch.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

3 Little Monkeys - I know. Bad right? Maybe I shoulda kept this one private. . .nah!

MiMi said...

See? Every time ya do something nice for anyone, you get shit on. :/

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

MiMi - Good one!

Maven said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Okay, and true story - the EXACT same thing happened to my friends husband, as an adult.

Marla said...

Now that is a story. Poor Randy never had a chance

Kimberly said...

Gross, but oh so funny!

Poop humor and true stories are just funny!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Maveb - I think you need to tell that sotry.

Marla - Hmmm. Sympatyh for Randy. That's interesting. . .

Kimberly - This one is a family classic.

Tracie said...

I have no words for this. I'm stunned.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Tracie - I stunned you?? You probably don't stun easily. Maybe I should take the post down?

Erin said...

Holy CRAP (pun intended)! Little shit indeed! I can't believe someone would actually flush underpants down someone else's toilet (or any toilet, for that matter)...omg! Your poor dad--all covered in it!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Erin - He was only 6 or 7 at the time and completely terrified of his father (for good reason), so hiding the evidence is almost understandable. Not sure how he managed to redecorate our bathroom though. And of course, there really isn't an excuse for the stealing.

MODG said...

woah that's a STORY. poop and robbing?!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

MODG - Does that get you past your poop obesssion?

Anonymous said...

Thats quite a story of this fellow named Randy.Maybe the inclusion of various robberies,such as when he broke in to the house directly across from him and tried to sell the victims the stolen goods,or how he was beaten in a car on a major thoroughfare whilst being recorded would help paint a better picture of him.:)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Anonymous - You have a marvelous gift for story telling and a phenomenal memory. I wonder if my old recording of "Beat Randy, Live on the 135." is worth anything on e-bay.

Kiera said...

poor randy. in a weird way

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Keira - Well. sorta but not really. Unless he got caught in a poo shower on the way home, then, obviously.

Brittany at Mommy Words said...

I felt bad for poor Randy at first too! I knew where it was going wgen you said things got worse. I have heard what happens when underpanys are flushed! I did not expect thed burglaru though...he really is a little shit!

Arizona Mamma said...

Karma at its finest. I am referring to where he currently spends his time, not the fact that he ripped you all off. That was pretty ballsy considering the "shit" you had on him!

Eternally Distracted said...

You so have to send this in to his new 'home' and get his new roomates to have a giggle at the expense of the little shit!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Brittany - You saw the flushed underwear coming? Wow, all I can say is - we didn't (especially my dad).

AZ Mamma - Yeah. My annonymous friend reminded me that he stole fur coats from the people across the street from him and tried to sell them back to them. Not the sharpest tool in the shed.

Eternally Distracted - That is a brilliant idea!

Mr and Mrs Unpronouncable - I have deleted your comments but can read enough Kanji to say thank you and I'll be by to visit your blogs soon.

So have I reached some kind of milestone that I got spam comments in a foriegn language? Should I feel all warm and special? Woot! Go Diary!

blueviolet said...

I have to say that it sounds like karma got him in the end! ;)

Grilled Cheese said...

That kid needed to keep his bodily functions to himself.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

you should mail him 6x boys fruit of the loom underwear covered in poop to the jail

or just use chocolate

he'll know

oh he'll know

Joy said...

What a little (#*#&@head!!!!

Amy said...

OH. MY. GOD.
THE POO BOY FLUSHED HIS PANTIES DOWN YOUR TOILET AND THEN ROBBED YOUR HOUSE?????

THAT IS PURE BLOG GOLD DG!! BEST STORY EVER!

Also? Your poor, poor Dad!!! I don't think I could handle poo on me! ICK!

Conquer The Monkey said...

honestly, this is one of the craziest most bizarre stories EVER, truly he WAS a little shi$#!!!!!

Salt said...

Hooooleeee SHIT. My draw was dropped the entire time I was reading this. So disgusting...your poor dad!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Blue Violet - it certainly did.He has actually served several stretches in "Karma".

Grilled Cheese -Yeah. He felt compelled to share. Why?

SFTC - True dat. Lemme get that hershey bar . . .

Joy - Indeed. The very definition of one.

Amy - Thanks! You made me feel better. I feel like I wigged everyone out
with this story. I am glad you enjoyed it.

Cameron - Yeah, and most bizarre of all - it's completely true. I didn't color it
or add story around a lesser incident. That's exactly how it happened.

Salt - Ummmm hmmmmm. It was nasty to the highest power.

Aunt Juicebox said...

What.the.freak. Seriously. I am just speechless. My daughter once had a friend spend the night who threw up all the way through my house to the bathroom and I had to clean it up. She's never and mean NEVER allowed back in my house. I don't do puke.

miss jo said...

Jesus Christ DG ! It just goes to show, ya never know from where the shit is going to come!... A poop-smearing, undie-flushing burgler. What a combo.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Aunt Juicebox - Yeah, I am not so good with the bodily functions myself.

Miss Jo - You never do know. . .though, once we really got to know Randy, we were pretty dang sure that he was going to be a reliable source of it.

Jen Chandler said...

Oh. My. Gosh. That was hilarious!!! I'm sorry but it was. I'm still laughing! You're poor family! I can't believe someone would do that, even in the first grade. Geez!!! Sad that he ended up in prison. I wonder if he's tried flushing poo encrusted skivvies in there?

peewee said...

AWWWW. That was so sad. Poor kid. I mean, poor you guys too. It's like a really really really bad ABC after school special. SO much for your relaxing pop-eye moment!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Jen - Funny thought. Perhaps I should write him in the joint and ask him.

Pee Wee - That is so on the money. Most of my childhood was like a bad afterschool special.

Susan Fobes said...

I can't believe you kept quiet on this one. I hope your mom got a new bath rug out of this at least...

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Susan - Yeah, a new bath rug and memories (or maybe just bad dreams) for a lifetime.

Cadywax said...

I've heard this story a 1000 times and it still gets me. I know it's your policy to change the names to protect the innocent--or in this case the guilty--but in this case you should shout it out all over the blogosphere. "Randy" deserves every bit of punishment and humiliation he gets.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Cadywax - True, he earned the "outing", but I am trying to protect my identity, not his.I'd never want him to google himself and find me. That would suck. After all, he is a hardened criminal.

The Rambler said...

Omg!!

You totally win!

I'm gagging.

Even though it's about poo this was really well written!!!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Rambler - What do I win? A case pf adult diapers to send to Randy in jail?

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Grace said...

Oh my god, that was revolting! I can only imagine a single block of poop on my carpet, but poop smeared on my carpet AND around the room is unthinkable! Speaking of poop and mess in my home, it was pretty hard to clean it off, especially when the stain is really tough, thankfully, I know of some Portland carpet cleaners to solve my cleaning problems.

Having my poop and mess problems solved by the Portland carpet cleaning service, I can rest assured that there won't be much stress in facing this kind of problem.

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