Thursday, February 11, 2010

Wiglet Karma's Gonna Get You

Back when I was in Jr. High School, I had a friend named Maddie. Maddie was everything that I wasn't - petite and brunette with the most tragically uncool mother on the planet. My mom was the cool mom that all my friends loved. Maddie's mom was a lovely lady, but there is no other way to put it than to say that she was dumb as a stump and a tad old fashioned.

Being the cruel teenage bitches that we were, Maddie and I spent most of our waking moments making jokes about her mother's shortcomings. Sometimes to her face, sometimes behind her back.

One of Maddie's mom's more unfortunate deficiencies was that she was follicularly challenged. Don't speak PC? She was BALD! Almost shiny bald. The white, Italian equivalent of Lou Gossett Jr. That's how bald she was on the top of her head. And while she certainly did not deserve ridicule for her hairline issues, she did choose to address them in an unusual way.


OK, to appreciate this story, you have to put yourself in your best 14 year old mean girl mode (go ahead, I'll wait). Got it? OK.

One day Maddie and I were snooping around on her mother's dresser. She had one of those baroque looking dresser sets with the fancy bottles, ornate, carved brass hairbrush, filigree lipstick case, all very Maurice Villency. But there was something odd on the mirrored tray. Something that once I picked it up and realized what it was, made me shriek and send it flying across the room like a caveman's Frisbee.

I had laid my hands on "The Wireless Wonder Wiglet". How did I know what it's name was? On further inspection inside her mother's alabaster pin box, we found a small instructional manual on how to secure the wonder wiglet to your dome. I don't know how to describe this thing to you, except to ask you to imagine a yarmulke with tufts of dirt water brown hair coming out of it. It looked a lot like one of those petrified cats that they find at the bottom of the garbage pile on "Hoarders".

Needless to say, Maddie and I got insane mileage out of this event. Memorializing it in song, limerick, cartoon and regaling everyone that would sit still to listen.

But you know what they say about karma being a bitch?

Fast forward 31 years to this morning. As I am rinsing the hair color from the the heinous black and grey stripe that races down the middle of my formerly auburn head, I am treated to a parade of red hair, flowing down the drain with the rinse water. Seems that every time I color, I lose about a thousand hairs. And ever since the expected hormonal shedding after my last child (almost 11 years ago), my ponytail has been the diameter of a drinking straw, so I don't have much to spare.

It was a cruel joke that the universe played on Maddie's mom and is now in the process of playing on me. And while I am not yet in "Wonder Wiglet" territory, I can't exactly be all cocky about the fact that I might not need some follicular assistance at some point in the future. It's not a pretty thought. Red wigs tend to be the worst looking of the wig universe. Don't believe me? Look at this:




And this:


And this:




I'm sorry Maddie's mom. I have repented for my evil ways. Can I get a karma rebate? Please?

40 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Amy said...

Oooooo! I would totally go with Carrot top! While his face has become freakishly weird...is that guy liner???....his mop is full and shiny and dripping with bounce!

Oh, how I long for a thick lush mane! Feel 'ya pain sista!

Sincerely, Jenni said...

Wow. The Wireless Wonder Wiglet.

I think "wiglet" is about the funniest word I've ever heard. It's like I can't stop saying it... wiglet, wiglet, WIGLET.

Ahem. I feel better now.

(wiglet!)

Susan Fobes said...

Ah, the cruelty of Karma. I myself have fallen victim to it. The biggest being the one liner my mother used to repeat to me during my tween and teen years, "I hope when you have a daughter, she doesn't talk to you like you're talking to me."

The hair thing bothers me too but my daughter says that we lose 100 hairs a day-maybe all at once? Hmm...

BTW: Thank you so much for the opportunity. I am really nervous about this-thanks for the vote of confidence.

wines constantly said...

Have you checked out the lovely selection at your local mall's wig shop? There are some total winners in there! I think ours also sells knockoff perfume and will thread your brows. Win! =/

This story totally reminds me of my worst high school job: shampoo girl. The last week of my employment, I was tasked with washing what could have very well been the evil twin of Maddie's mom's Wiglet. Which I was informed I would need to remove from the head of its owner, after not realizing everything on her head was not real hair and exclaiming loudly over her as she lay at my mercy with her head in the shampoo bowl "What IS this thing stuck in your hair!!??" I didn't know whether to apologize or throw up.

foxy said...

That's a hard pill to swallow right there, isn't it? That karma is definitely one big ole beyotch.

Erin said...

I have thyroid problems and that can also cause hair loss---have you been tested? Might be worth a shot.

My mom is going through the same thing right now, so that's what I have to look forward to later....

Arizona Mamma said...

My hair used to be twice its current thickness. I think I am still shedding profusely today after the bith of my son. Big stinkin' sigh. That's one reason I chopped it off. I coulda made a wig for Maddie's mom out of the hair I was finding all over the house.

blueviolet said...

When you said that your ponytail was the size of a drinking straw....that I could relate to. After my biggest bout with anorexia, I swear my hair got to that thickness too. It's the only reason I started wearing it shorter. It was just too thin to wear long anymore!

Big Boops said...

Oh my God! I'm cracking up at my desk as I type this in an office full of men. This humor is going to waste. I will call my mother immediately and we will give it more mileage. This is hilarious, but sadly true. My baby is 17 months and I'm basically bald right now. I have lost so much hair we have had the plumbers out regularly to unstop our drains. I LOVE the word wiglet! I'm going to see how many times I can use it today, just for my own sick pleasure. Thank you for this blessing of a post!

Sara said...

I think you could totally do that French courtesan look. I'd still be your friend.

MiMi said...

OMG, this scares me. Cuz last time I colored a bunch of my hair came out. AAAAHHH!!!!!!!!!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Amy - Carrot Top gives me nightmares. He can keep his red ringlets as long as he keeps his distance.

Jenni - I know! Isn't it the funnest word ever? Wiglet. Wiglet. Wiglet. Wiglet.

Susan - My mom put the same curse on me, exept it was about jumping on the furniture with shoes on.

Wines Constantly - I was a shampoo girl too. . .at a wash and set salon. The kind of
place where old ladies went to get their hair roller set,once a week. Some of their hair
was just filthy and caked with spray. I used to have to wash it like three times to
to get it clean. It's a hard job. Add wiglet to the mix and it's a recipe for disaster.

FOXY - Yeah. I am pretty sure I earned what's coming to me.

Erin - I actually have had it checked. Luckily it does check out. I think the hairloss
is old age and over-coloring.

AZ Mamma - That post partum hairloss is a killer.

Big Boops - You need a couple of girl-boys in your office! The post partum hair loss
is really tough to deal with. Hopefully it does not take you into wiglet land.


Sara - You are a kind and non-judgemental person.

MiMi - Coloring definitely does not help.

Existential Waitress said...

I have a Carrot Top phobia - especially being from LV, the home of Carrot Top. He is just so gross.

I say you should get a karma rebate. You've paid your dues. I agree w/ Erin - get your thyroid tested if you haven't already. I am hypothyroid and that can cause hair loss.

Allyson said...

How ironic that I'm reading this after just getting back from having my hair highlighted (in a somewhat vain attempt to go back to blonde after being black with red streaks and trying really hard NOT to strip it). I hate to tell you this but Karma is a nasty, no punch-backs bitch and even if you recognize your evil ways and repent until the skin rubs off of your knees, very rarely does she listen. How did I know this? Because I have bunions and my 2 front teeth are beginning to spread apart again. Both things that I teased my sister about endlessly. Take a lesson and start looking for something with horse hair.

off to to Google Maurice Villency.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Existential Waitress - He scares me too. I can't deal with the bizarre facial surgery and the juiced up muscles. Scary.


Allyson - Maurice Villency has apparently changed a lot over the years. Back in the 70s and 80's it was THE place for heavily guilded, ornate, carved french and italian provincial furniture. I should have been more specific.

Michele said...

Ok... I can't stop giggling. Not at your unfortunate hairloss, but

"yarmulke with tufts of dirt water brown hair coming out of it" I swear coffee came out my nose!!!

This scares me too, I keep losing hundreds of hairs in the shower everymorning... aaack!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Oh yes, Karma. Considering it took .000001 miliseconds for me to transform back into my 14 year old bitchy self (I like to keep her in my back pocket to liven up parties), I would have to say I am going to get bitch slapped over and over again by the big K.

3LittleMonkeys said...

HAHAHAHA...I can't stop...HAHAHAHA...laughing to even.....HAHAHAHA...comment! I'm just picturing dumb-as-a-stump-petrified-kitty-wig...HAHAHAHA.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Michele - 80 to 100 hairs a day is normal. A kitten's worth, probably too much.


Monique- What is ageing, if not a great big karma sundae with 'screw you sprinkles' and an 'enjoy your fat ass cherry'.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

3 Little Monkeys - This one's close - http://www.wilshirewigs.com/EASY-ON-by-Estetica-Designs-pr-3714.html

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

Better to find Maddie's mom's wiglet than her merkin. Ahem.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

LPR - YES! A Merkin reference! That made my day.

Menopausal New Mom said...

OMG, I'm laughing out loud (not at your hair though!) at your comparison to the petrified cats on hoarders. I swear, the first time I saw one on TV, I wondered how I would work that into a blog and you beat me to it!!!!

I hear you on the drinking straw sized ponytail, I'm right here with ya sister! Menopause is a bitch!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Menopausal New Mom - Maybe that's the key. I'm getting hormonally out of whack. Although, my family will tell you that I've been that way since birth, so who knows?

That petrified cat was UNbelievable.

Anonymous said...

Be happy you didnt find her merkin

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Anonymous - Love me a good merkin comment.

That One Mom said...

Oh my goodness! That's too much. Teenaged girls are rotten, I know I was! I will send happy, healthy hair thoughts to you.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

That One Mom - I appreciate that. I'm still pretty hairy, just not as hairy as I usta be.

SupahMommy said...

KARMA REBATE !!!

LMAO

UM.. CARROT TOP IS SO FREAKIN SCARY !
XOXO
SUPAH

Anonymous said...

After studying that picture of Carrot Top, I'm not gonna lie, I just went from six to midnight.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Supah - I know. Ewwwwwwwwwww,

Anonymous - I just laughed out loud. Dear god, I hope you're not my husband.

miss jo said...

Yes, beware of flying wireless wiglets biting you on the ass. What a lesson. Maybe my adolescent mean girl days are catching up with me too in the hair department. :)

Stacey said...

What a great story!! Karma is a bitch though!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Miss Jo - So much of my bad behavior haunts me to this day. It's very hard to be the kid I was then and a parent now. The things that go through my head make me lose sleep.

Stacy - Thanks! It is indeed a screaming, hormonal bitch.

KK said...

I know, I hardly have any hair left!

Alyssa said...

It is so true- what goes around comes around. I fear that sometimes! Karma rebate love it...

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

KK - What did YOU do to deserve that?

Alyssa - If only I knew in the teen years that it would come back so viciously, I'd have been much nicer OR joined a convent.

Kate@And Then I Was a Mom said...

I lose hair like crazy, too. Sometimes you have to look for the bright spots in life. For example, having the opportunity to read "dumb as a stump." That pretty much made my day. I think I will take my hairless self out tomorrow and use "dumb as a stump" at least twice in polite conversation. So, thank you for that.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Kate - She was as sweet as she was dumb.

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