Friday, March 12, 2010

Check One. Check Two. Is This Thing On? OK, Hand Me My Newspaper.

OK, this gray and cloudy Friday morning finds your girl Diary all fired up and ready to fight.

We have a problem at work. It is a problem so serious that my company incurred great expense in trying to solve it. And to no avail. What problem is it, you ask?

Bitches talking on cell phones in the bathroom.

Don't scoff, it's serious. I don't know about you, but when someone is broadcasting over the airwaves, I get a little shy. Performance anxiety. I didn't go in there to share the news of my Venti Iced Latte with the world. When I hit the ladies, I'm all about the business. There's no NY Times, there's no snacks and beverages and there sure as hell ain't no effing phone. (Pardon the double negative, but I am too fired up to be grammatically correct. Who am I kidding, I'm NEVER grammatically correct.)

This problem is so pervasive in my office that the company actually built a vestibule outside of the bathroom and outfitted it with comfy chairs, so that these classless ho-bags would have a place to yack with their pals. Not good enough I guess.

Yesterday afternoon, I walked into the ladies and sure enough, some skank-ass-ho-sicle was yammering away on the phone in the first stall (bad enough on its own), then mid-sentence, she begins to audibly drop anchor. I was like, Hobagsaywhat?!?! My fight or flight response went into full '767 on the runway at JFK' mode and I washed my hands faster than The Flash and got the hell outta Dodge. Hopefully her friend on the other end appreciates the fact that Chatty Cathy's regimen of Activia and Bran Flakes was paying off. What. The. Hell?

So, for this hideous and unladylike behavior, I am awarding Miss Talkshow Poofest 2010 with the most repulsive of awards. Sittin On tha Toilet - The Remix. I hope she chokes on her own exhaust.

45 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo ummm ok see in a public place is just wrong.. although I have been on the phone at home and taken my bff pee with me, but nothign more lol.. we call it phone bonding roflmbo

Maven said...

Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!

OMG! I am so with you on this one and this was brilliance...

"Hopefully her friend on the other end appreciates the fact that Chatty Cathy's regimen of Activia and Bran Flakes was paying off."

The Only Girl said...

THAT is too funny!

I've been known to talk and poo whilst in the comfort of my own home, but never at work. My poo has a work-phobia.

Joanne said...

OMG - there needs to be a LAW!!! But on the other hand it made for a hilarious post.

foxy said...

Dude, why in the world do they want to talk whilst dropping the kids at the pool? Do they really think people can't hear the splash? Like the sound can be disguised somehow? Oh, I just dropped a cup into sink full of water? GAH. I've been tempted to rip a BIG OLE FART when I've been in that situation before. And you know what? Maybe next time i will...

Paybacks are a turd!!

MiMi said...

I just can't imagine talking on the phone while I'm dropping the kids at the pool. I mean, gross. Unless it's an emergency, there's just no need.
"Hi, how are you today?? I thought I'd call you when I took a dump. That's right, I thought of you when I had to shit." Gah.

Linda Medrano said...

I can't even imagine. But, my ex husband used to take his computer in with him. I thought that was grounds for divorce right there! This is just too much! Ho Bags, Indeed!

Anonymous said...

What does one do if the conversation lasts longer than the the deuce dropping? Do you just sit there and wait it out? I assume this type of person is not the kind that will do their work off a toilet mummy (check the urban dictionary)so perhaps they can be pretty flexible. I just picture wiping and holding the phone to one ear as dexterity challenging as rubbing your stomach and patting the top of your head at the same time.

Alyssa said...

That is just too f#$@%$n hilarious!!! You running out of there...and who made that video???

That just sounds like discrimination of some kind. I'm not sure what, but it must be...really! Umm...does the men's room have the same problem?

Didn't we "meet" talking about sh*t?

linlah said...

Hobagsaywhat is going to be my new mantra.

ShellyInOz said...

I won't even have a phone conversation IN the ladies room--too much echo, people just know what room you are in, let alone in a toilet cubicle taking a dump! *shudder*

Have a great weekend.

Shelly at Tropical Mum

3LittleMonkeys said...

Are you effin serious?? I can't even chew gum in the bathroom let alone talk on the phone.

Susan Fobes said...

Where the heck did you find that one? LOL! Ok, a phone in the toilet is just nasty, and disgusting, and gross, and...

Kimberly said...

That is too damn funny. "Dropping your kids at the pool." Okay, I hate to sound like a little old lady...but I have never heard that before. I am still laughing and like a little kid right now I want to get on the phone and call my brother (not in the bathroom) and ask if he has heard of "Dropping the kids at the pool."

My husband says (I am laughing so hard because I have never shared this with anyone outside my family) "I am going to send the city my thoughts for the day." *My side is killing me from laughing so hard*

Thank you for making my evening!

Lin said...

That is just so wrong!! And what do they do with the phone while they wash their hands??? Or DO they?? Ewwwwww.

Existential Waitress said...

Oh YEAH, baby! the RETURN of "Sittin' on the Toilet!" - an all-time classic. LOL.

Midnite Skys said...

I hate that too I swear at work that when I have to use the ladies room there is always someone on the phone. Yea they say they are at the store makes me want to fart really loudly...or throw up in the next stall..... I did hear once a woman saying I am in the bathroom...... be out in a couple minutes......... But most of the time they keep talking. AND don't wash their hands... guess they think because they don't work there they don't need to wash their hands like the sign says. We have talked about this in the break-room.. that's right all you skank-ass-ho-sicle chatty cathys we talk about you.... BUT the guys told us that guys do that too... I was like what? One hand on the phone the other hand doing their business??? Gross... OH ... I hope they shake the right thing............ But it serves them right if they don't

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Angel - You and your bestie are more bestie than me and my bestie. I DO NOT share any bodily functions with anyone, unless they are holding back my hair when I vomit. And it's been many years for that.

Maven - Thank you. I'm glad I'm not crazy. Or maybe I am, but at least you agree with me.

The Only Girl - I am with you. Some things are meant for the sanctitiy of one's home.

Joanne - Thanks. But I think you're right. There outta be a law. I walked into the ladies last night and there was another yakkin deuce dropper (at 10:30 PM, no less). WTF?

Oh, FOXY, puh-lease do it, for all of us!

MiMi - Exactly. What does it say to that friend on the other end?

Linda - OK, I get why he's your ex.

Anonymous - Where would we be without Urban Dictionary. Move outta the way Webster, there's a new sherrif in town.

Alyssa - Girl, seems like poo is all over my blog. I guess that's why the expression $h1t Happens is so popular. Just can't get away from it. And the toilet lady is (sadly) a you tube sensation. The original version got over 3 Million hits. Proof once agian of how rapidly I am aging.

Linlah - It fits so many situations - Beyotch cuts you off in traffic - Hobagsaywhat?!?! Dumbass wheels her cart over your foot in grocery store - (With a head snap this time) Hobagsaywhat?!?! I could go on, but I'd just be repeating myself.

Shelly In Oz - I agree. The phone does not belong in the potty under any circumstances.

3Little Monkeys - I never thought about it, but no, gum should probably not be there either. Too similar to eating.

Susan Fobes - I have teenagers. My supply of stupid you tube clips is bottomless.

Kimberly - Bless you for never having heard dropping the kids at the pool. It's an oldie, so when it gets a good response, it's new again.

Lin - I don't wait for the clean up, but my expectations are low.

Existential Waitress - I hope you enjoyed the super long, dance remix.

Midnight Skye - Ugh. Men do it too? Damn.

Allyson said...

I really thought that I was completely removed from this scenario until I was traveling home from FL with Daddy Pisces and Suzie Stepmom when she and I were in the bathroom at Cracker Barrel and her phone rang. And she answered. And then she let one rip. BWAH! WHAT?? And with the advances of cell phone microphones, you can pretty much guarantee that the person on the other line hears EVERYTHING...even your most quiet little toot. Even the GI-challenged chick in the stall next to you. And guys probably don't have to worry about this because their hands are...occupied. No extra hands to hold a cellphone. This is that happens when you SIT.

Thanks for sharing and truly I'm sorry your company has forked over your Christmas bonus to provide a "vestibule"

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Allyson - I know. I could have used that money for something not poo related.

Meaghan said...

Wow this is hilarious and disgusting all at the same time! Very well written thank you for sharing...I think :)

Happy Saturday SITS Sharefest

Joann Mannix said...

Good Lawd! Seriously? And these are girls? I mean I can expect that from men, but a girl? That's just too vile for words.

Hi, over from SITS and I love this post!

I was at Mardi Gras one time. We packed a van full of folks for a road trip and had the time of our lives. One of our friends brought a girl he'd only had one date with. Bad mistake. She was so weird. One night, we were out in a bar somewhere and a bunch of us ladies had to use the potty. Once we made it to the bathroom, we realized it was just one room. There wasn't anywhere outside the bathroom to stand and since we were all girls we were like, whatever, we can delicately tinkle in front of each other. Until that chick. As soon as it was her turn, she said, "Hey, I need to take a dump, but stay here, OK? I don't want to be left alone." We got out of there so fast and on the way out. She ended up calling her date, (our friend who was out in the packed bar), insisting he stay on the phone with her while she did her business. He couldn't believe it. Needless to say, he never saw her again. People can be so vile.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Meaghan Thanks. I think. ;p

Joann - Thank you so much for stopping in. It seems the more women that I talk to, the more stories that I hear of this heinous behavior. No mystery why your friend dropped the phone pooper like a hot rock.

Joy said...

That is so sick and disgusting that it makes me nauseous. I'd be livid too.

p.s. thanks for the b-day wishes! I did get my ice cream but it was a b---- to swallow so it didn't I had some today, when it was less of a b---- to swallow.

Masala Chica said...

I get so mad when I have to go to the bathroom and someone is on the phone. I totally have anxiety like Joey from "friends" and can't even use the potty. I try coughing and being like "hmmm. ahem!" and hope they get the point and finally will just be like - "hey people are trying to pee in here - get the eff out!" which really is stupid because there are like 5 women in my office and I am guessing *just a guess* that they know who the voice is coming from.


Sara said...

Okay, now I've known women that go into the bathroom to have a "private conversation" but never have I heard of someone going into a public restroom and having a chat whilst rocking a deuce.

Where's the shame, people?

Where the hell have all the classy broads gone?

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Ew,some people are nasty. But Wow, I learned a lot of new terms today!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Joy - so gross, right?

Kiran - at least in an office of 5, you know who the ho-bags are. We get randoms from the other side of the building and it's like, go back and crap in your own bathroom.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded - We seek to educate here.

Erin said...

Talking on the phone whilst "Dropping anchor" or "dropping the kids at the pool?" OMG.

total FAIL.

My computer won't let me watch the vid for some reason right now, but I'm going to have to come back and try again.

Crazy. I have heard people yammering on cell phones in the bathroom before, but never while pooping. The audacity! EWWW! I'd hate to be the person on the other end!

KK said...

LOL, yuck! I do at home though. I have relatives that will not shut up and sometimes you gotta go!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

KK - Well, I hope you use the mute button :)

Pat Tillett said...

OMG! this is hilarious!
Not just your post, but the comments also.
I'm gonna tag along if you don't mind!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Pat T - Of course I don't mind. Welcome to the party.

Aunt Juicebox said...

Nasty. If I was talking to someone on the phone and realized they were in the bathroom, I would so hang up.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Aunt Juicebox - Mee too. For sure.

Salt said...

It totally grosses me out to think that at some point I may have been on the other end of the line while someone was mid-business in the bathroom. I would like to think my friends are all a little classier than that, but you never can know for sure I guess.

That is so very vile.

Arizona Mamma said...

That's just wrong. But, I can tell you this...I have been on the phone with someone who was using the bathroom and only realized it when they flushed. Of course I asked "are you on the crapper?" "Yes" was the reply. Gross just freakin' call me back.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Salt - I know. Just wrong. Wrong. Wrong.
AZ Mama - Oh no. You've been stealth pooped? Shameful.

Amy said...

OMG, DG!!!! I don't know what's worse...the ho-sicles (best adjective EVAH BTW!!) in your office or that nastly young woman in her remix vid!

Seriously, that will be burned into my frontal lobe for years to come!

The Empress said...

Incredible, and not in a good way.

I don't think the question "what does she do with the phone when she washes her hands" is of concern here, b/c I would guess I'd be right when I say I don't think she needs to worry about the phone when she washes her hands..since she won't be washing her hands. Just a guess.

Help! Mama Remote... said...

Omgosh. Caught with pants on the ground.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Amy - the video is epic, no?

Empress - you would be correct!

Help. Mama Remote - Yes indeed.

Kearsie said...

Oh man.

This reminds me of this one time whilst sitting on the commode at Cracker Barrell the following conversation:

Me: *doing my biz*
Girl in Next Stall: Hello?
Me: *thinking, who me?*
GINS: Hello?
Me: *thinking, should I answer?*
GINS: Yeah, I'm at Cracker Barrell having lunch blah blah cell phone chatter blah blah
Me: *thinking, man, I'm sure glad I didn't say "you need some TP?"*

miss jo said...

Now this could be the only case where you should text while driving....

somebody said...


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