Friday, March 26, 2010

I'm Doing My Bloggy Dreaming A Little Early This Year


Contrary to my husband’s opinion, I do not eat, sleep and dream blogging. Well, at least I didn’t, until last night.

Last night I had the strangest dream about meeting bloggers. And you were there, and you, and you, and you. . .

My dream opens at the airport, this was clearly not a NY airport because there was no honking, yelling or flashing of gang signs. I am sitting in the passenger seat of a car parked curbside in front of the arrivals area, waiting for a blogger that we were picking up, who was supposed to be spending the weekend with us.
In this dream, I am looking like something of a wreck, with ripped, paint spattered red sweat pants and an ill fitting blue top. Best as I can tell, my hair looks something like a beaver damn, only with more sticks poking out of it. The blogger that I have been waiting for bounces into the car with glee and enthusiasm, obviously happy to be in the NY that Is nothing like NY. She is everybody’s bloggy pal, Amy from Goodbye 20’s Hello Botox, only in my dream, she is played by Lacy Chabert. I welcome her and apologize for looking like the bus driver from South Park, but I didn’t know she was coming (have YOU ever gone to the airport to pick up someone you did not know was coming?).


After driving for a while, we wind up magically walking up to a coffee stand in a mall, where we peruse menus and order food, which never arrives, but we don’t complain. Amy is from the south, I reason and therefore has impeccable manners, so I follow suit and say nothing. I then spend the next five minutes looking for my children, who weren’t in the car when we picked Amy up yet are now running around and fighting in the mall (the only realistic element so far). I corral the children and my daughter refuses to eat. My son, on the other hand, orders the left side of the menu just in time for us to be standing in the living room of my ultra mod but very messy home.

I am now standing in front of the linen closet, IN THE LIVING ROOM (what inept architect designed this piece of crap? Mike Brady?) wearing a full slip and battered pink slippers and choosing a towel, so I can go wash the homeless look off my person. Just then, the doorbell rings and bloggers start arriving. Each one is dressed impeccably, with their hair and makeup professionally done, as I stand there looking like a 1950’s, Days of Wine and Roses, movie version of an alcoholic mother. I make apologies for my messy house and air kisses are doled out to each lovely blogger. I do a lot of pointing and say things like “Oh My God! You!” as I cannot remember a single blogger’s name. I know each one by face and can get a mental image of their blog, but the name of the blog and the blogger are blurred out, like a logo in a rap video.

While I can’t tell you who they specifically represented, I can tell you, is that these bloggers were also portrayed by notable women – one of them was Paige, the recent American Idol expulsion, Gale Gand , baker extraordinaire, Audrey Tatou from the movie Amile and Bette Midler. As you might expect, Bette was very sassy and was critical of my untidy house, which she condescendingly told me possessed a “certain lived-in charm”. Yeah, thanks Bette and congratulations on that Jacqueline Susann movie a few years back. Brilliant stuff!

There was no food in the house as all of these bloggers appeared on the day before house cleaning and food shopping. I tried to explain that I am normally the hostess with the mostess and nobody escapes my house without consuming hot coffee and fresh, baked goods. But they all rolled their eyes at me and I sullenly skuffed off to the bathroom at which time I was abruptly woken up by the sound of my husband yelling at my son (for the 10th time) to get out of bed. (Have you tried to wake up a 13 year old? We are considering dynamite at this point)

I was disappointed that I was woken up because I wanted to know whether I would pull out some last minute culinary miracle that would get them all feeling sorry for having doubted my skillz. But I looked at the clock and decided that going to work and getting paid was slightly more important than redeeming myself to the mostly nameless, celebrity impersonated blogger tribe.

So internet, do you think I might be repressing some kind of deep-seated insecurity about blogging? I never thought so until this morning. I might have gone off to work with a big, black cloud of self-doubt hanging over me, but when I did my last check in the mirror, my hair did not look like a woodland creature’s nest. And I can feel good about that.

35 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo hey you are asking the woman who has no shame in doing vlogs in my pj's lol..

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Angel - One of them might have been you. Do you want to lay claim on one?

Kearsie said...

Clearly you woke up before I was about to show up armed with enough chocolate cake and diet coke to celebrate over.

And then I was going to give everyone back massages and pedicures.

And then I was going to stand up and recite the Gettysburg Address and then audition for American Idol and Bette was going to give me tips.

Also, this would never happen in real life. Ever. Not even the making of the chocolate cake.

Arizona Mamma said...

That is one wild dream. Well, modestly wild. It seems like you may have dreamed a culmination of lots of bloggers' posts all into one. In fact, we are having a BBQ tomorrow, and I have nothing done. NOT A FREAKIN' THING! I'm not really even stressing it. Whatever, they'd only have to read my blog a time or two to see that my house is always in a state of disarray.

foxy said...

I think it means you should have a bloggy party and put that events in that dream to shame! I'm in!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

Dreams are so bizarre. I'm going to assume that I was not there as I am certain I would have been played by Chelsea Handler, right?

I agree with Foxy, maybe you need to throw the biggest, baddest bloggy party ever.

The Rambler said...

That or you REALLY want to throw a big blogging party :)

Big Boops said...

This is fabulous! Unfortunately, I was unable to dream last night due to not actually sleeping. My baby, Boops, wasn't having any of that ridiculous-ness.

Love your dream!

Marla said...

Those dreams scare me. I always wonder if they are preparing me for what's about to happen. lol

As for being an insecure blogger.....pshaw! You are a fab blogger!

Amy said...

AHHHHH! THAT IS FABULOUSNESS AT IT'S BEST DG!!!
Apparently we are destined to meet. NY, NOLA, SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE...DOESN'T MATTER! LET'S GET THE BAND OF BLOGGERS TOGETHER! OH, AND LACY CHABERT??
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! And Southern manners...yes, but I can also curse like a sailor and don't mess with me when I'm hungry!

I often have dreams where I am ill prepared for some important occurance, and no matter how hard I work I can never catch up and pull it off. I think it's my subconcious telling me to slow down and not try to "do it all."

Kickass dream DG! Love it! Have a great weekend;)

3LittleMonkeys said...

What a funny dream! Did I ever mention the dream I had where I was 1/2 man and 1/2 woman...now that's f'd up! Don't worry, you're totally normal!

Sara said...

I got excited about Bette Midler, but then she was mean to you.

I like to think that if we all got together to play at your house, we'd be good blogger-guests and bring you stuff!

I mean, my mom taught me to show up with a bottle of wine or a pie. But I think I'd bring both for you.

B-Dub said...

I decided long ago that I wasn't going to pimp my blog out there- it is my creative side not a money making machine.

That being said, I would love to meet other bloggers- and I wouldn't even mind if I was in my jammies cause it sure sounds like lots of others spend their time dressed just as flashy!

Shoo away the cloud of self doubt and embrace the woodland creature nest and old navy pants that I will bequeath to you.

Linda Medrano said...

I want to go! That sounds like the funnest party! I'm coming whether I'm invited or not. And I'm bringing my camera and then I'm going to blog about it!

Lin said...

But I LIKE your slip and slippers look! I find it interesting that we all came, not knowing what you looked like. See? It doesn't matter--we all LOVE you no matter what--that's what's great about bloggers. :)

I'm not guessing whether or not I was there--I KNOW I was there! And I was the one sticking up for you while the others were trashing your slippers while you were in the kitchen. ;)

tori said...

I should not have read this tonight. I am meeting a bloggie friend for the first time tomorrow and I'm a little nervous. Now I will have nightmares for sure!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Kearsie - I sure coulda used that chocolate cake, though I might have made off to the bathroom with a fork and eaten it all myself. I clearly wasn't company-ready.

AZ Mama - I think there could be something to that theory . . .or it is a metaphor for something else in my life that I fear that I might fail (more likely).

Foxy - I did give it like 30 seconds of consideration. Maybe if I am feeling ambitious. . .


Monique - If I throw it, you must come.

Rambler - Another one with the blogging party. Maybe, just maybe . . .

Boops - So sorry that you did not sleep enough to have REM sleep. It will come. Hang in there!

Amy - Or should I say Lacy. . . it's funny that you were the only blogger whose name I could remember.

3 Little Monkeys - 1/2 man and 1/2 lady? That sounds blog worthy!

Sara - She was very attitudinal. I was raised like you - never empty handed. Good manners go a long way in life. We need to explain this to Bette.

B Dub - Paint spattered sweats be damned! I'm having a blogging party!

Linda - If it ever happens, you are official photog!

Lin - Take comfort in that fact that I do not have an episode of Hoarders living in my hair and I don't own slippers (I am a barefoot gal all the way).

Tori - Fear not! As long as you brush your hair and wear something other than a slip and slippers, you'll be fine.

Kelly L said...

Love your post - I'm your new stalker!
come visit me for my very first giveaway.

Love to you
Kelly
http://www.ivebecomemymother.com

miss jo said...

Can I play baker Gale Gand ? Great dream. Clearly, you've crossed over to the bloggy side, even with beaver dam hair :)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Kelly - Welcome to the party! I will be sure to check out your giveaway.

Miss Jo - If you can bake even a fraction as well, then you are SO the baker in this dream! Isn't that a weird collection of people though? I looked myself in the mirror the next morning and asked "random much?". Quite the ragtag group.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Really, I feel like I'm at a party every time I come here. That's serious. You are a funny, and laid back hostess that I can visit in My slippers. And the conversation here is better than baked goods! So don't feel insecure. If Bette was rude it must have been because she's jealous!

linlah said...

I love when dreams have me jumping randomly around from place to place like a 3 year old.

Susan Fobes said...

Hmm... I wonder what it all means? Or better yet, what did you eat before bed? LOL!

Insanitykim said...

I was initially crushed because I wasn't there, but then I remembered I had a hiatus and therefore I was out of sight, out of mind...just so you know I would have been dressed in fuzzy socks. You probably would have left that out anyway...

The hiatus period is over so, I hope to haunt your dreams soon, because that would be awesome, and I have lots of fuzzy socks.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded - You are welcome to come over in your slippers, any old time!

Linlah - I do most things like a 3 year old.

Susan - Good question. Of course, I don't remember.

Insanity Kim - How do you know you weren't Audrey Tatou?

Allyson said...

Bwahahahaha!!!! I'm not sure which is more repressed...your bloggy buddies showing up at your door while you're in a slip or Neal's detachable penis. I actually HAVE had blogging dreams recently. And let's not even get started with how my husband only knows you all by your blog titles...oh that's "Mad Bathroom", "Foxy", "Surferwife", "Imperfect Daisies"...that sort of thing. I sort of feel like a cult. But that's OK because my cult makes me deliriously happy. Maybe that's how you know you're about to drink the kool-aid...

Kate@And Then I Was a Mom said...

I don't know...I might just take a linen closet in the living room. It would make a handy time-out room, or at least somewhere to stuff Adam and his groans during "Desperate Housewives." The more I think about it, the more I believe you have stumbled upon the architectural breakthrough of the century. You go, girl.

KK said...

How funny. I always have completely stupid random dreams. I think it means that's you needed a funny post today and there you go! :)

Eternally Distracted said...

Oooo I want to have a bloggy dream... not sure why but it sounds like fun! ;)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Allyson, Kate, KK and E.D - I found the source of the bloggy anxiety dream - I had been on pins and needles over a surprise birthday party for a friend, sweating the details and fearing spontaneous combustion. It happened this weekend and I feel like a weight has lifted. And, I do not have a linen closet in my living room (thank god. I do enough laundry as it is).

blueviolet said...

I do think we ought not let it go at this. There are deep seated issues which need solving and it's best if we delve and delve deep.

Let's get started.

Maven said...

I LOVE it!!!!!!!!!!!

Kat said...

Love your dream and how you remember it in such details!!! lol...I am a new follower!
I usually remember nothing about my dreams, but when I was totally hooked on this game bejeweled..I would wake up seeing jewels and gems and diamonds and swapping them in my head!!! ^^

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Blue Violet - I can't go any deeper into this as it means revisiting that hair-do over and over (shudders).

Maven - Thanks. Who do you think you were?

Kat - Welcome to the party and watch for falling rubies!

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