Thursday, March 18, 2010

Yeah Right, Like You Never Tailgated a Tom Jones Show.


No? You haven't? Just me? Well then, perhaps I should explain. . .

It was 1993. My hair was still big, my waist still (relatively) small ( at least compared to my fat ass) and children were not even a consideration. Best of all, I was still working side by side with my three BFFLs .

We were young, most of us still in our late 20's, and we had both disposable time and income. And we had a raging passion to celebrate each other's birthdays in the most outrageous manner possible. Each birthday celebrated had to top the last one, and this particular event was to be the pinnacle of our creativity.

About four weeks ahead of our friend's birthday, the other three of us started conspiring to hatch a grand scheme of a birthday celebration. This would be our greatest birthday caper ever. We could envision our wrinked, incontinent future selves, sitting in front of a roaring fire and reliving the glory of this birthday event, every Christmas.

The plan was as follows:

- After work, we would blindfold our pal and put her in the back of the car (the back seat, not the trunk, people. GAH! Where was I? Oh yeah . . . ).

- We would stop at a local deli and fill our cooler with enough food, beverages and snackage to feed an army.

- We would pull into the parking lot at Westbury Music Fair (Theater in the round bitches! What? What?) and set up the lawn chairs that we had in the trunk.

- Then we would take the blindfold off the birthday girl, reveal our location and tailgate for a little while before going into the show.

- Upon completion of a fabulous tailgate meal, we would head inside, armed with a tote bag full of special goodies that would help add a little sparkle to the evening. They included:
  • An underwire bra with the cups cut out.
  • Several pairs of (to the knee) cotton granny nickers.
  • The largest women's underwear we could find
  • Fruit of the loom men's briefs
  • A gigantic, two man rubberband/slingshot
  • A huge, computer generated banner with a message requesting a kiss for our birthday friend.

From the time we pulled into the parking lot, it was clear that something was wrong with the birthday girl. She seemed a little odd and less than enthused. Here we were, absolutely brimming with excitement and anticipation and the birthday girl seemed, well, annoyed.

We headed toward the theater and as we were walking, our friend smelled a rat. "What's in the tote bag?" she quizzed. We gave an evasive answer and kept on truckin. But once we were seated, she started in again, demanding to know what was in the bag. Not wanting to create a huge incident in the mostly senior citizen filled theater, we showed our friend what we had smuggled in. She seemed ok with most of it, but we were warned within an inch of our lives, not to let that sign see the light of day. We promised that we wouldn't take it out, but we didn't mean it.

By the time old TJ took the stage, we had our ammunition locked and loaded. Once he got rolling, we would start firing giant underwear at the stage. We agreed that when he sang "What's New Pussycat", we would pelt him with panties.

Let me tell you a little something about ole TJ and that song. First of all, he gyrates his hips in the most obscene air hump you have ever seen. And the dude does not wear underwear, because his kit was swinging like a jungle gym. I feared that his careening genitals would poke out the eye of some unsuspecting senior, unfortunate enough to be sitting in the front row. The look of shock and horror on the faces of the blue hairs is something that I will remember for the rest of my life. And if that's not enough. . . When he sings the last line "You and your pussycat nose" he sings it like this:

You and your pussssssssyyyyyyyyyyyy (long dramatic pause) cat nose.

Again, the elderly were aghast and our poor friend was mortified.

OF COURSE we slingshot underwear on the stage

OF COURSE some of it was men's

OF COURSE we nailed the drummer with the cupless bra

AND

OF COURSE we put up the sign.

Nothing happened. No kisses were offered. But our friend was M.A.D. Between being carsick from driving around blindfolded for an hour, to being publicly called out for both her birthday and for wanting a kiss (which she would have rather sucked a hospital mop, by the by) and the fact that none of us really liked Tom Jones and were only there for the irony of it, she was one very unhappy camper. And we were all left with a searing case of pranker's remorse.

The late, great, Johnny Carson used to say that the key to a great joke was - know your audience, timing and commitment. We clearly had only one of those things right and as I look at the calendar, I realize that August will be here before we know it and we will once again be drawn together to celebrate this friend's birthday. But instead of sitting around the fire reveling in what awesome pranksters we were, we will be reminded of our singular, but epic birthday fail.

F.U. Tom Jones. I hope your d1ck falls off. Aw, who am I kidding? F. Me.

58 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

♥ Braja said...

Holy shit that was hilarious.....seriously hilarious.....loved it :))

KK said...

Wow, I would have been pissed, and yet touched that you made such an effort!

MiMi said...

I'm with KK!
Also, I thought the whole thing was damn funny until the last part where you said F.Me
Then I lost it. Lost it, I tell ya!
Hilarious!
I'm surprised the blue hairs were offended by his swinging jungle monkey...I thought the went to his shows JUST to see it. Weird.

Michel said...

OMG that was hilarious! I gotta admit, I would have LOVED that. There is nothing as fun as a mockery concert.

Captain Dumbass said...

My imagination is bleeding from the mental image of TJ's junk swinging. Gah!

Roshni Mitra Chintalapati said...

wow!! That must have been awesome!!

Kimberly said...

Holy Funny, That was too damn funny. My mom loved Tom Jones. We (my sister and I, she and I were partners in crime) felt like it was ear rape.

I have never done a concert for mockery. It sure does make for one great story.

I am with KK. I probably would have pissed. These days I am sure I would have...as I really need to go when I have to go. Must have been my giant head children. Maybe I can loan them out to Macy parade.

vodkamom said...

Oh, oh, OH, DELILAH!!!!!!!!!!


I love me some Tom Jones. And now, you.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Braja - Thanks. I appreciate it.

KK - She was not the least bit touched, but was VERY pissed,

MiMi - If the old ladies had the ability to get up and run from his weiner, they woudld have!

Michel - Next time, I take you!

Captain Dumbass - That thing should have its own area code.

Roshni - It was awesome to everyone but the woman of honor.

Kimberly - It was surreal and funny to a point. Once i was clear that she was angry, the mood was dampened.

Vodka Mom - You're on for next TJ show!

♥ Braja said...

yeah sorry for draggin' those wanna-be's in with me...watch Captain, and hide the vodka from Vodka...

Fragrant Liar said...

Braja sent me over here. She was so right on about how funny this was. I used to ABHOR TJ back in the 60s, when he was really hot. Cuz mostly he just sweat all over the place and then wiped his face with lady's underwear. I was about 12 at the time and thought that was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen. But his music was pretty rockin'!

Stereos and Souffles said...

"The only thing between us and him is a thin layer of gabardine."

Seinfeld.

hokgardner said...

It's a shame that your friend wasn't amused, because that is AWESOME!

Anonymous said...

It's not unusual to take Tom Jones' dong in the eye...

Poor Granny, ever since the TJ concert she's been experiencing Con-junk-tivitis.

Careful ladies, this eye snot can fertilize your eggs!

Amy said...

NO.WAY.

That is an epic birthday surprise!! Dude, can't believe Tom is such a perve. Ew!!!

Lin said...

Gees, I want to tailgate with you gals! Criminy, that sounds like a hoot!! And TJ--what a pig. I thought he was skanky back in the day, but now??! It's just gross. How old is this dude now?? And he's got his dried up old wiener schlonging around for everyone to see??? Ewwwwww.

I can't believe your friend didn't enjoy this.

foxy said...

OMG. What a great story! How can you not appreciate the awfulness of that?! At least you had something to laugh about later...

Happy weekend!

Linda Medrano said...

What a magnificent evening! LOL! This is hilarious! I love how awful it was! I wish I had been there with you guys looking at old nasty Tom!

linlah said...

Careening Genitals sounds like a good name for a rock band.

SPEAKING FROM THE CRIB said...

i laughed thru this entire post. i love tom jones. how could you not?

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

First of all. You HAVE been close to a celebrity, you big ball of lie. I count this, for shizzle.

Second. I would been honored to be that birthday friend. I would HAVE loved to be a part of that shenanigans.

Allyson said...

What a freakinghelluva good time. Maybe I'm weird but I would have MUCH rather been put through that than dragged to Olive Garden while the whole wait staff sang "happy birthday." That has drama, suspense, and low-brow comedy. Seriously, it doesn't get any better. I dragged (which is not true, she went happily) around on a vineyard tour last year for her birthday. Who knew KY could put out the wine. And this year I'm thinking, since she never had one as a child, a full-on McDonald's birthday. I wish they still did the happy meal boxes.

Big Boops said...

This is hilarious. By the way, my bday was back in January, but feel free to stop by Tulsa anytime and I will happily launch lingerie onto any stage with ya. Hilarious!

And Then I Was a Mom said...

Alrighty then! I will never ever ever ever be able to look at Tom Jones again. And if I somehow do, I will only be able to look at his pelvic area and THAT IS JUST SO WRONG ON SO MANY LEVELS.

I might need a strong drink now. Hey, maybe I can buy whatever you were drinking that night in the parking lot, b/c I have a feeling it was strong.

Ann's Rants said...

Braja sent me over.

That is mortifying and so hilarious.

Hate to see what you'd concoct for a bachelorette!

3LittleMonkeys said...

Oh my, that is way too funny! I'm seriously gonna cry from laughter. Gyrate and pussy, it doesn't get much better than that!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Braja - I am so glad you did! Thank you. And I will share my Vodka any day. I hate to drink alone.

Fragrant Liar - Yeah, I remember my mom watching him on tv and playing his 8 Tracks (8 tracks!).

Stereos and Souffles - Exactly.

HOKgardener - We should have known our friend better than that. It was the right prank on the wrong recipient.

Anonymous - As usual, you have me shooting coffee out of my nose.

Amy - Ugh, I know. He was already up there in years at that point and he was so overtly sexual. It just looked desperate.

Lin - We can tailgate an easylistening concert like nobody's business. We're thinking Engelburt Humperdink in the fall. You in?

Foxy - It was a sinking boat of awful. The cheese-o-meter was running off the chart.

Linda - Then I know who to invite next time.

Linlah - It is a genius band name. I'd offer it up to my son for his band, but they are only 13. Maybe I'll save it as a HS graduation present.

SFTC - Now I know where you'll be and what you'll be doing, the next time TJ plays the greater Cleveland area.

Monique - Yes, I suppose. But I didn't get an autograph or (more appropriately) a weiner print. Some of the front row ladies came damn close though.

Allyson - It was a good time. And a Mc Donalds birthday sounds fabulous!

Big Boops - You're on! Check your local listing for show times and venues. And you know what? We were actually sober. Had we been drinking, someone would have gone home in a cop car. We are a rowdy buncha drunks.

Ann's Rants - Thanks! I am thinking of going into business for myself. Maybe a party planning company called Embarrassez-moi. Because in french, everything sounds classy.

3 Little Monkeys - Oh yes, it was all kinda tacky!

Irish Gumbo said...

Perhaps a poncho and some goggles would be in order.

I must say, careening genitals will often lead to no good in the end.

Ooh. That sounded dirty, didn't it?

"It's not unusual to be loved by anyonnnnne!" :)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Irish Gumbo - Who would expect to have to prepare for an easy listening concert in the same way they prepare for a Gallagher show?

Kristi at Spend Less and Save More said...

Happy SITS Saturday Sharefest! You are too funny! Can't wait to check out more of your blog!

Queenie Jeannie said...

LOL!!

Well it was a gallant effort!!!! Whatcha going to do this year???

Anonymous said...

I have to say that was one of our memorable capers! There were so many! ;-)

P.S. Do yu recall she once admitted to playin' "Delila" on the accordian?
Love,
Mare (Connie L.)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Queenie Jeanie - We'll probably just go out to dinner. We are much older and somewhat soured on the magical birthday prank.

Connie L - Let's be real here for a moment. . . IT. WAS. GENIUS. However, we should have done it to each other and not her. She was the WAY WRONG recipient of this particular birthday fest. And I am surprised that none of us could have seen that coming. And yes, she can play Delilah on the accordian. I say we rent an accordion and get her drunk for her birthday this year. Maybe she'll favor us with a song. She'd have to be REALLY drunk though.

The Only Girl said...

"Prankster's Remorse"! That's a gem.

Great story. Sorry about the unhappy ending.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

The Only Girl - Yeah, best laid plans of mice and pranksters. . .

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

Fab.
We kidnapped my friend for her 40th birthday, and all flew to Vegas to see Mr. Jones. I expected to love it ironically, and instead just loved it. *tosses bra into the internet, lands on DG's computer*

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

LPR - No way! I suppose no one sustained an eye injury.

Maven said...

Just when I thought I couldn't love you any more than I already do, you pull this one out!

Bwa ha ha ha ha!!!!! Loved this!

5kidswdisabilities said...

Oh, I LOVED Tom Jones and saw him a few times myself, (when he was younger than he is today where he is mere shell of himself.) LOVE the slingshot idea. How NO ONE appreciate that, least of all TOM JONES!!!
Lindsey Petersen

Chief said...

I have always been afraid of Tom Jones! Something in his eyes just screams Child MOLESTER

Tropical Mum said...

This was a funny story. Too bad your friend didn't appreciate it. The thought was there.

Thanks for stopping by.

Shelly

casablanca said...

if you got a good blog entry out of the night, i'd say it was a success. you clearly know your audience here, because you had me at "an underwire bra with the cups cut out."

Marla said...

Too dang funny!! I promise, you will all laugh someday about this. Thanks for letting me laugh now.

Arizona Mamma said...

Ah well...still made for a great story. I say she was entirely too uptight! ;)

Eternally Distracted said...

Tom Jones is coming to play here on April 14th and the town is going crazy (not much happens here usually!!)... although not sure we'd get away with half the things you mentioned, we could end up arrested!!

I will be looking out for knickerless Tom though... and warning everyone beforehand! Maybe he'll end up arrested... ;)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Maven - Back atcha!

5Kidswdisabilities - Saw him multiple times? You are a fan! Did you see him back in the days of his tuxedo and skinny microphone? The Classic Tom.

Cheif - I don't know if I get that vibe, but perv for sure.


Tropical Mum - We thought about everything except who the target was.

Casablanca - Interesting thing was, the guys who come out between songs to clear away the stuff that gets thrown on the stage, never so much as flinched at any of it. They've apparently seen it all.

Marla - We all do laugh about it. All but the birhday girl. She still does not see the humor. We were so wrong about this one.

AZ Mama - The miscalculation was on us. We should have known better.

Eternally Distracted - Yes, if you attend, be safe. Stay out of the front row and don't throw anything.

Kim@SoManyKids said...

Okay seriously! A for effort!

Aunt Juicebox said...

I probably would have been pissed about having to sit through Tom Jones on my birthday, but I would have made the best of it by slinging some underpants at the man. Maybe a pair of mens undies with my lipstick prints on the crotch or something.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Kim@SoManyKids - Thank you. We meant well, we just didn't think it through.

Aunt Juicebox - That would have been accepting the gift in the spirit in which it was intended.

Tracie said...

Bwahahahaha!!!! Maybe you should come to Colonial Williamsburg with the MIL and me. I'm sure you'd liven up the joint.

Michele said...

Okay... i've seriously missed you like crazy while I've been away... and this post is exactly why.

That was hysterical!!
Hitting the drummer with the cupless bra... classic stuff!!!

I "heart" you!!!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Tracie - We could tear up a renaissance fair or colonial village.

Michele - Thank you m'am. These are the memories of my own stupidity that I hold so dear.

Aunt Becky said...

Um. I love Tom Jones. Um. Can you make me go? Because I want to SO MUCH.

Sara said...

There are few things that put a smile on my face quite like turning on the radio and hearing, "It's Not Unusual."

However, I don't think I want to see him smuggling plums.

Graphic.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sara - Yeah, not my favorite hour of entertaining. I kept having to duck.

miss jo said...

Giant panties and a slingshot, what a brilliant, totally insane idea to keep up a mad birthday tradition. I can totally relate....Oh yes, and thanks for that ever-lasting image of Tom Jones' kit out of control. Is that part of being Welsh? :)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Miss Jo - I don't know if it was a Welsh thing or not, but it was certainly a scare the little old ladies thing. I didn't see horrified faces like that the first time I saw the Exorcist.

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