Friday, April 16, 2010

I Don't Think This is What Ethel Merman Had in Mind. . .


I recently developed a strange obsession and it is starting to worry me. It's more an irrational fear than an obsession, really. I have developed a fear of gypsies.

Why, oh why would a tech savvy (I have a blackberry AND and direct deposit yo!) individual like your girl Diary be concerned with an old fashioned and irrelevant notion like gypsies? I'll tell you why. . . because I have been warned - not once, not twice, but thrice (yup, it's a word, look it up).

Now here's the big reveal (not that telling you that I have an irrational fear of gypsies is a small reveal) - I have a thing for the number three. It is my FAVORITE number and I prefer things in threes. Not so much in an OCD kinda way, but yeah, sorta in an OCD kinda way. So if I hear a rumor three times, then I start to believe it. It is my magic number. And once I started telling people that we were considering a trip to Rome, I started getting warnings about gypsies. The third warning plopped me directly on the bus to crazytown.

Rome, the eternal city. Home to some of the most famous sites and landmarks known to man - the Coliseum, the Forum, the Trevi Fountain and apparently, to gypsies.

The area that seems to draw the most gypsy warnings is the Trevi Fountain. I was all excited to have a little La Dolce Vita, but with all the warnings of marauding bands of gypsies on the hunt for tourists at the fountain, it kind of pops a hole in my daydreams.

Initially, I thought, BFD, I'm city savvy. If I can hang in NYC and if I understand the street rules there, then how prone am I on the streets of Rome? But it's different, because NY thugs only have guns, knives, darts and hypodermic needles. Gypsies have magic powers.

Because of this and my rule of three, I am now obsessed with gypsies and I see them everywhere. I was shopping up in the Poconos last weekend, and I could swear I saw gypsies in the paint department, but I think it was just the "People of Walmart". And tonight, while grocery shopping, a woman in a long flowing skirt and dangly jewelery bumped into me as her cart passed mine in the cereal aisle. I snapped my head to look at her and just as I was about to scream "Be gone you dirty gypsy. You're not ripping me off tonight!" I got a better look at her. She was clearly more of a furry legged, granola crunching, women's lit professor than a thieving gypsy. Thank god I didn't open up a that can of gypsy whoop-ass that I have started carrying around. I am just paranoid and keyed up enough to go a couple of rounds with an unsuspecting Phish fan. Hell, any woman in a broomstick skirt is immediately suspect to me. My fightclub strategy for the first gypsy that runs afoul of me is to pull her long skirt up over her head and hockey fight her.


At this point, we are only in the investigative stages and no official trip has been planned. It is looking like it is going to require a lot of time off work and a lot of money to make it worthwhile. So in the mean time, I will dream of La Dolce Vita and have nightmares about Esmerelda. Between now and then, the gypsies better steer clear of me. . .oh, and I'm puttin out a notice to the tramps and thieves, too.

27 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Susan Fobes said...

OMG! Ok, this makes me want to repeat, "It's all in your mind..." LOL! Good luck with the plans and I hope a poor, unsuspecting gypsey doensn't cross your path any time soon.

(Thanks for the old Cher song...)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Susan Fobes- They better not. I have anti-gypsy spray and I am not afraid to use it.

linlah said...

Maybe that furry legged professor is a recovering gypsy, not to give you anything else to worry about.

Linda Medrano said...

I want to go to Rome. I would even risk the gypsies. Actually, we saw gypsies in Paris and in London and in Amsterdam. They panhandled us and we gave them a little money. I wouldn't refuse a gypsy! I worked in an architectural office with a bunch of Berkeley women who all looked like gypsies. Furry legged, sandals all year, naw, I think gypsies are cuter than these woman. Look at Cher!

Marla said...

Oh heavens, you kill me. Let's just hope the gypsies don't.

Rainey said...

Hahahaha!

I loathe the gypsy spawn too. When I was in Rome as a wee lass of 13 years old, I rocked a fanny pack to avoid gypsy theivery.

Oh, wait. There's more. The fanny pack was concealed UNDER MY SHIRT. Plus: No one can see you're wearing a fanny pack. Minus: You have to LIFT YOUR SHIRT UP every time you want to pay for anything. Plus: No stress over gypsies stealing your shit. Minus: Stomach sweat.

Not the best way to get over gypsy anxiety. I've found it best to just not carry a lot of cash on me in Italy.

3LittleMonkeys said...

HAHA...."people of Walmart"! Too funny.

I have also heard about the gypsies in Europe. At least you are already pertrified...I mean aware of them so they probably couldn't work their magic on you!

Tropical Mum said...

Open up a can of gypsy-whoopass!! I haven't heard that one before--you crack me up.

This old Cher video is great--wow the hair!!

Monique-aka-Surferwife23 said...

I feel closer to you than ever. For two reasons:

1. I love the number three also. As a kid, when someone didn't choose door 3 on Let's Make A Deal, I would flip teh eff out on them.

2. At that same age, my mother used to threaten to sell me to the gypsies if I misbehaved. So, the fear is valid.

Insanitykim said...

OK gypsies mutter this little chant around people who look them in the eye before noon, and then those people automatically live 3 months longer than they were going to. Doesn't mean it's a good 3 months tho...

There that's 4 things...does that help?

Sarah With Scissors said...

So if I warn you about them a fourth time does it take away your superstitious fear? 'Cause I would do that for you.

Oh, and I gave you an award at my website. So that's extra good luck right?

knittergran said...

Oh Thanks. We're hoping to go to Rome in October. So now I get to add gypsies to my list of concerns!
(not really...I hope)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Linlah - Thanks pal. Now I will be afraid to drive past the college.

Linda - Smart move. You don't need a spell to be cast on you.

Marla - Yeah, lets definitely hope not.

Rainey - So you've seen these gypsies they speak of. DANG! They ARE real.

3 Little Monkeys - Yup. Petrified is a perfect word.

Tropical Mum - What? No Gypsies in Australia?

Monique - Isn't 3 the most awesome number? Soul sista!


Kim - I hope you broke the spell. . .


Sarah with Scissors - Thanks for the award and for trying to undo the gypsy magic.

Knittergran - Good, then you can tell me if it's true or not.

MiMi said...

Have you seen the movie "Thinner" by Stephen King?? Don't.

Tracey said...

Scary...I remember watching that Cher episode when it first aired. Geez, I'm that old.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Tracey - Me too. Sads :(

miss jo said...

Funny thing, because I once got all flibberdy gibberdy over gypsies in Italy, especially Rome...Turned out, the city/country was no big deal in terms of personal safety, but I do have a couple stories, not to scare you of course :)...My friend and I were confronted by a swarm of gypsy kids-- like a dozen 5-7 years old--- who came at us in a bunch outside the Coliseum. They were trying out that move of holding a newspaper horizontally, waist high, to act as a shield while pickpocketing someone in a crowd. It was all too funny to us, as we were taller and adults all we had to do was shoo them away, laughing.....My friend in Florence also got her wallet lifted from her purse while pulling her suitcase on the sidewalk early in the morning. This guy ran up and pointed out to her excitedly a bunch of white creamy stuff on her suitcase (which she later realized he had placed there.) Well the thievery occurred during all this confusion and paper-towel lending that ensued.....Otherwise, Italy/Italians have been very very good to Miss Jo ! Have fun ! (Also, don't forget, you can always give gypsies the evil eye !)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Miss Jo - Thank you for exposing the gypsy tricks of the trade. I will be undeterred, but on my guard.

I B Mare said...

OMG! Ya know we're watching the orginal Dark Shadows on DVD and Friday nite Barnabus went back in time to when Gypsy's occupied the Old House and the old Gypsy Woman provides the master of the house with spiritual advise! Coincidence...? Hmmmmm

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

IB Mare - I have been researching how to ward off they evil eye and do you remember when everyone was wearing those gold italian horns? (Such a 70's long island thing). Anyway, that's what they are for - to ward off the evil eye. I have to see if I still have mine from 1977.

Arizona Mamma said...

Now I will just have that song stuck in my head all day. Not to mention this totally reminds me of the book "Thinner," which was written by Stephen King under his pen name.

Aunt Juicebox said...

I've never seen a real life gypsy, but I know some hippies. Does that count? Oh, and I have a thing for the number 3 too. I didn't even realize I did til my husband pointed it out. Now I go out of my way to avoid it. lol

KK said...

Those dang gypsies are everywhere.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

AZ Mamma - You are the second person to mention that. If someone tells me a third time, I'm going to have to read the book.

Aunt Juicebox - Three is magic and hippies are mostly benign.

KK - Boy, I hope you're wrong about that!

Sara said...

I'm now trying to think of all the movies I know with gypsies...

Ever After.
The Red Violin
The Hunchback of Notre Dame

I suppose you would have a love/hate relationship with all of these.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sara = Nope. Total avoidance, except ever after.

somebody said...

酒店經紀人,菲梵酒店經紀,酒店經紀,禮服酒店上班,酒店小姐,便服酒店經紀,酒店打工,酒店寒假打工,酒店經紀,酒店經紀,專業酒店經紀,合法酒店經紀,酒店暑假打工,酒店兼職,便服酒店工作,酒店打工經紀,制服酒店經紀,專業酒店經紀,合法酒店經紀,酒店暑假打工,酒店兼職,便服酒店工作,酒店打工,酒店經紀,制服酒店經紀,酒店經紀

Post a Comment

Questions?
Comments?
Sarcastic Remarks?
Write 'em here: