Friday, April 9, 2010

Poor Potty Ettiquette and Some Reposted Potty Drams


Good morning, fine people of blogland. I have a thing to do this weekend, so I will be out of touch for a few days. I will be back to your blogs and back to posting early next week.

In the meantime, I need you all to know that my adventures in witnessing tactless bathroom behavior continues. One day this week, some ridiculous asshat was listening to music through the speakers on her IPhone in stall 1. If I wanted to be serenaded on the toilet, I'd hang my ass over a gondola at the Venetian Hotel in Vegas (so much for what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas).

So in honor of or disgust over yet another display of poor bathroom ettique, I share with you my first post on the subject. Perhaps I'll be back next week with a story of someone cobbling shoes or making a sandwich on the bowl, we'll see . . .

This Post originally ran on 5/17/09-

THE SOUND OFF


I know that in my last few posts I have been a little bitchy. Unfortunately there is a brief time each month when my usual saintly demeanor (insert husband's eyeroll here) skews more toward Genghis Khan (insert husband's nodding in agreement here) than Mother Theresa. It's OK, I own it. I can recognize that it is bigger than me and that I must bow to its superior fire power. During these, umm, "edgier" moments, my blog takes on a slightly antagonistic tone, like this Mall Madness or this Home Sweet, Sticky Home or today's post for instance. I am admittedly not feeling so generous of spirit these days. So like an exorcism, the demon attitude must be purged and the more I write, the more I purge and the more my family can stop hiding the sharp implements. It's gotten so bad that my poor husband can't find any of his Phillips head screwdrivers.



So what's on my last nerve at this very moment? Bitches that talk on the cell phone in the bathroom stalls at work. If I wanted to know that your baby-daddy didn't give you money for formula this month or that your sister is being such a bitch about not wearing the purple shoes that you have dictated for your wedding or that you're so totally going to see the new Star Trek movie when it comes out, then I would knock on the stall, interrupt you mid-stream and ask you. Because that's what you're doing to me and I have no say in the matter.



Bathrooms are meant to be bastions of privacy. Their very design makes sound amplify within its walls, so your vapid chatter reverberates and gets all up in my business (ahem, figuratively speaking). And when you're finished with your toliet-bound chatter, please wash your hands and exit the room. Don't stand in front of the mirror, smoothing and patting your hair a thousand times while staring intently into your own eyes. Your 'do looks exactly the effing same as when you walked in, so by my estimation, you just wasted ten minutes of valuable sink time for those of us that actually want to wash our hands and get the F out. What's next, a sandwich and a laptop?



Personally, I find public toilets so gross that a swift exit is imperative. I don't want to hang out there. What's the draw? The bland decor? The foul odor? The constant influx of new people to overhear the crushing boredom of your life?



There, I feel better now. Please be sure to tune in tomorrow when the kinder and gentler Diary returns from her hormonal exile. She's excited about her comeback and has been considering posting about rainbows, puppies and the exciting world of cookie baking.

With hope for tomorrow,

- Diary

21 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Tropical Mum said...

I always wonder about people who talk on the phone whilst on the toilet. Don't they feel weird that people know what they are doing? I know the minute someone with whom I am having a telephone conversation walks into the bathroom. There is an echo, a trickle and a plop. Sorry too much imagery there. But please!

Anyway, I loved this post. Your style always makes me smile.

Shelly

singedwingangel said...

roflmbo ummm yeah what you said. IT is rather odd and irritating to those of us who serously don't care. Those individuals are the one you start answering when they talk. And then say real loud hang on I can't hear ya when I am straining to take the browns to the Super bowl let me finish up and we can finish the convo... watch em shut up REAL quick

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Many years ago, before cell phones I was in a restaurant and found our waitress was a childhood friend I hadn't seen in a long time. Later I was in a stall when someone came in to use a payphone located in the ladies. I soon realized it was the friend and she was calling her ex husband to "rinse" him out about child support payments. She was crying, cursing and threatening. I was trapped in the stall for about ten minutes because I didn't want to walk out on that and embarrass her but at the same time felt embarrassed for over hearing.I didn't know what to do! I finally was able to escape and she came back to our table all smiles and helpfulness. It was strange.

Hey, can it be cookies shaped like rainbows and puppies?

Lin said...

I find the whole cell phone thing annoying everywhere! I don't want to hear your call in the restroom, aisle 3 of the grocery store, at a restaurant, or on the train. Really. This new world of having to be on your cell ALL the time is just weird. And being that I hardly get calls on mine, I'm always wondering who they are talking to--and why.

Sarah Lindahl said...

"staring intently into your own eyes" that is going to have me laughing all day. I hate when people talk on their phone while grocery shopping. When I see how badly people drive a cart while talking on a phone I understand why people are trying to make talking while driving a car against the law. I hate cell phones.

foxy said...

I HATE when people do that. Drives me CRAZY. And you know what's the worst? My husband is totally an offender. He calls me from the shitter all the time, which also makes me insane.

Amy said...

This is one of your best posts EVAH! That first paragraph is so perfectly phrased that you totally had me in stitches! Hilarious, DG!!!!

Linda Medrano said...

I hate cell phones in the first place, but in the bathroom stall, OMG, how gross and disgusting is that???

Michele said...

I love this post!!!
I have got to stop taking a swig of coffee before I read, spewed out my nose while I was reading!!! LOL

I'm with ya totally on the bathroom thing!!! Could not have said it better myself ;)
You rock.

Did I mention i LOVE this post? lol

Cameron said...

the person playing music in the stall, that is annoying, what do people do in there? the phone? annoying! it should be a rule, GET IN , GET OUT, that's it! No eye contact, just business, nothing more than business time in the stall people!

KK said...

Ugh, I was just complaining about this today!

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

I'm pretty sure I overheard an in-the-stall-call where the awesome gal was applying for a car loan. I flushed as often as possible in protest. I am somewhat passive aggressive at times. Obviously.

MiMi said...

I've heard this weirdest conversations when people are TOTALLY dropping a deuce. You can hear the splash and I just wanna yell, "Hey, they're crapping!!!" really loud so the dude on the other end will hear. :)

Marla said...

I so agree with you. Talk about rude!

5 Kids With Disabilities said...

Funny funny funny! Gotta love those cell phones! Can't the people on the other end hear the echo in the stall, the tinkle of water, and the flushing of toilets?
Lindsey Petersen

Kate@And Then I Was a Mom said...

I'm starting to think that you work in a building with pretty cushy bathrooms. I'm picturing spacious stalls, fur-lined toilet seats, gold-trimmed toilet paper...no wonder people hang out in there.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Shelly - That imagery is exactly why I wrote this post.So wrong in every way.

Singed Wing Angel - If you do that even once, you are my hero.

Mom of the Perpetually grounded - If rainbow shaped cookies make you happy, then that is what they shall be.

Lin - The grocery store thing is maddening. Particularly if they are on a blue tooth head set and you think they are talking to themselves or worse yet, to you.

Sarah - I have been bumped into by the husband that is on the cell phone with his wife, trying desperately to find the brand of coffee filters that she demands.

Foxy - Hang up on him or call him back when you are doing the same and see if that doesn't terrify him into stopping the dial a poo.

Amy - Thanks girl!

Linda - Completely gross and disgusting.

Michele - So happy you found this entertaining. Imagine if I had given her the swirlie that she so richly deserved. Then. . .comedy gold.

Cameron - We clearly share a bathroom philosophy.

KK - It is rampant, which means that there is a pretty big contingent of people that think this is OK.

LPR - You are my hero. We need to be very vigilante about this problem.

MiMi - PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO IT!!!!

Marla - We must stop it somehow.

5 Kids With Disabilites - How do they not recognize this?

Kate - No, it's pretty un-pretty and un-cushy. I am baffled.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Shelly - That imagery is exactly why I wrote this post.So wrong in every way.

Singed Wing Angel - If you do that even once, you are my hero.

Mom of the Perpetually grounded - If rainbow shaped cookies make you happy, then that is what they shall be.

Lin - The grocery store thing is maddening. Particularly if they are on a blue tooth head set and you think they are talking to themselves or worse yet, to you.

Sarah - I have been bumped into by the husband that is on the cell phone with his wife, trying desperately to find the brand of coffee filters that she demands.

Foxy - Hang up on him or call him back when you are doing the same and see if that doesn't terrify him into stopping the dial a poo.

Amy - Thanks girl!

Linda - Completely gross and disgusting.

Michele - So happy you found this entertaining. Imagine if I had given her the swirlie that she so richly deserved. Then. . .comedy gold.

Cameron - We clearly share a bathroom philosophy.

KK - It is rampant, which means that there is a pretty big contingent of people that think this is OK.

LPR - You are my hero. We need to be very vigilante about this problem.

MiMi - PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DO IT!!!!

Marla - We must stop it somehow.

5 Kids With Disabilites - How do they not recognize this?

Kate - No, it's pretty un-pretty and un-cushy. I am baffled.

Chief said...

This is hysterical. I always wonder what the person on the other line is thinking... I mean I KNOW when the person Im talking to is in a bathroom.. the echo is a dead giveaway!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Chief - I know. There's no hiding it. Maybe they just don't care.

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