Monday, July 12, 2010

What are Words Worth?

Before I went on my mini blogcation, I threw a challenge out there to all of you, to come up with some words that I would have to weave into a statement about myself. I asked you to offer up obscure words that would challenge me a little bit. I must say, you came through. Still, I managed to put most of your oddball words into a personal context. All of what you are about to read is completely true.

No one would ever describe my voice as mellifluous. I have a harsh New York accent that makes me sound like I stepped out of the 1980's movie "Working Girl". Luckily I don't wear my hair like they did or I never would have gotten a job.

Our family went to a lot of air shows when I was young. My father has his private pilot's license and has always been obsessed with anything that flies. One year, we went to a fly-in in Oshkosh Wisconsin. As we were enjoying a lovely day watching planes, copters and dirigibles, a horrible thing happened. One of the Blue Angels crash landed right in front of us. Throughout my life, I have had nightmares of flaming planes falling out of the sky in times of stress. This could be what I am reliving.

I am a recreant hairdresser. I started my career cutting hair and even ran my own salon for a couple of years, but I found the daily process of that kind of close contact with people to be extremely draining. I felt like everyone thought they had a license to unburden their problems on me and it took a toll. I also did not have any health benefits, so I bailed on the career and joined the corporate workforce. It turned out to be the right decision for me.

When I first started working in banking, I tried to get my friends to join me so that the big corporate world wouldn't be quite so big and scary. One of my stranger recruits was my friend Ricky. He had an uncontrollable compulsion to look at other men's equipment in the men's room. It was like he couldn't stop himself. He had to compare and contrast. And while I did not need or want to know which of my work colleagues had an anaconda or dickfur, thanks to Ricky, I found out.

Ever since the movie Boogie Nights came out, I have loved Philip Seymour Hoffman. I find him to be the most versatile and amazing actor and he seems to choose his roles with great care. So, I was a little chagrined when the movie "Along Came Polly" came out and I found out that he was in it. I was fully prepared for the movie to be a total shitburger and for him to fall off the acting pedestal that I had placed him on. Wrong again DG! He was hilarious. As a matter of fact, I think he stole the movie AND he introduced me to the word "shart", which makes me laugh every time I hear it. Never gets old.

When I was a kid, my favorite crayon was the magenta crayon in the Crayola 64 box. The problem is that it did not hold up over time. When I would use it in a coloring book, it would eventually bleed and it would end up looking like a fuschia colored grease stain.

When I was in forth grade, we went to Washington DC for a family vacation. It was a tumultuous time in the nation's capitol, as we were deep in the throes of the Watergate scandal. I remember seeing protesters in front of the White House, but not really grasping what was going on. Shortly after we returned from that trip, Nixon resigned and Gerald Ford assumed his post as President of the United States, pardoning Nixon shortly after.

When I grew up, parents still believed in the arcane notion that if you spare the rod, you spoil the child. On any given day, the sound of spankings resonated from most of the homes on the block. We lived, but I doubt many of us have carried the practice forward.

I hate drama so I avoid office politics and gossip like the plague. This has a positive and negative result. On the plus side, I don't have any negative interactions with anyone. On the minus side, I am out of the loop and often get blindsided by things that I could have prepared myself for by getting clued into office gossip.

When I was in Jr High School, I used to have to walk way down to the far end of the block to get to the bus stop. About three houses before the bus stop, there was a house where a middle aged woman cared for her alcoholic, shellshocked, WWII veteran father. Every now and then he'd escape her watchful eye and he would stand at the front door in his bathrobe and juggle his doodlesack. We knew he was mentally ill, but it was still pretty horrifying. Luckily, he was too much of a wetbrain to operate the door and come outside on the lawn to do his juggling act.

When I was in Jr High School I had the most unfeminine collection of female teachers. I swear they were all just biding their time waiting for their gender reassignment surgery.

When I was a kid, certain cold cuts used to wig me out. I used to stand at the deli counter while my mother was ordering and ponder the stranger offerings. I can remember staring at the Ham Loaf, Olive Loaf, Tongue, Head Cheese and the pickled pig's feet in the case. I used to glare at people if they ordered any of these mystery meats, trying to figure out what was wrong with them that they would consider eating these horrifying foodstuffs.

I am not really one for drug use (I don't judge, I just prefer not to dabble) . Part of the reason is that street drugs are just way too uncontrolled for a germophobe like me. Knowing that it is possible that your marijuana was smuggled in someone's asscrack is a major deterrent. If that person did not give a courtesy wipe to correct his swamp ass before smuggling, then that is going to be some skunky smoke. I wouldn't risk smoking someone's funky ass-sweat. Whatever keeps you on the straight and narrow. . .

Our house is not a peaceful and quiet one. On any visit, you could arrive to a cacophony of barking dogs, my son's band, the kids fighting, the blender whirring up frosty drinks, the TV blaring, the phone ringing off the hook, etc. This is not where you come for a tranquil, meditative visit, but it's a great place to party.

Some of my son's friends are starting to have girlfriends. I dread the day that one of them brings one of their bimbos to band practice and puts their basorexia on display. I know the day is coming, I will have to eat lightly until then so there isn't that much to throw up in my mouth.

Backfat. It's the main reason I don't do sleeveless.

When my brother was a little kid, he had some very strange eating habits. When my mother would set the table for dinner, he used to steal hunks of eat butter and margarine and eat them. Then at dinner, he would take the salt shaker and turn it upside down on top of his steak, making little white piles of salt. I always threatened to install a salt lick at his seat.

I know that this post wasn't very titillating, but it was all true. Thanks to all the lovely bloggers that contributed words to my post. Please visit them and commend them on their vocabularies.


Mellifluous – Knitter Gran

Dirigible - Lin

Recreant - Allyson

Dickfur – SurferWife

Shart - Anonymous

Gerald Ford - Sara

Loop – Linlah

Arcane – Linda Medrano

Fuschia - Hokgardener

Doodlesack – Susan Fobes

Gender Reassignment – Sarah Lindahl

Ham Loaf – Sarah Lindahl

Courtesy Wipe – Sarah Lindahl

Cacophony – Aunt Becky

Basorexia – Mom of the Perpetually Grounded

Backfat - Kat

Saltlick – Sarah Lindahl

Titillating – Tropical Mum

24 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Sara said...

I don't know if I like dickfur or doodlesack better, but either way, I learned a lot today.

Allyson said...

Leave it to Surferwife to pick dickfur. Well done, DG!! This was an excellent mental exercise and extremely educational for the rest of us.

I 100% echo your reasons for leaving hair dressing. It's exactly why I'm no longer a massage therapist. EXHAUSTING and in more than one way. I don't know how Mama Virgo has spent so many years being a Psychologist.

Sarah Lindahl said...

Well done! Thank you for reminding me of the word Shart.

Linda Medrano said...

This was a wonderfully educating post! Love the words I never knew existed! Wow!

blueviolet said...

I would be the perfect client for you as a stylist. I don't share a darn thing about my life, but I'll listen to you spill your guts if you'd like.

I love Phillip Seymour Hoffman too, although I didn't realize he brought that word into such favor!

SurferWife said...

"There's a dickfur on your shoulder.

What's a dickfur?

Well, if you don't know, I'm not going to be the one to tell you."

I do like the way you used it too. Maybe my husband needs one the way you described?

Beth Zimmerman said...

I don't think I'd ever heard dickfur or doodlesack prior to reading this very educational post! :)

Aging Mommy said...

Well done! That was a challenging list alright - I thought about throwing my favorite at you which is solipsistic but I didn't think that applied to you so stopped myself from doing so! Brilliantly executed!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sara - The folks that hang out here are pretty smart and have large vocabularies. I hope it rubs off on me.

Allyson - Energy vampires seemed to abound, that's for sure. I think they troll the service professions, looking for new targets. Shrinks deserve to be sainted.

Sarah - Shart rules. Here is the exchange between Sandy (PSH) and Reuben (Ben Stiller) in the movie Along Came Polly:

Sandy Lyle: Reuben, I'm in a situation here. We have to leave now.
Reuben Feffer: No. Can we stay a couple more minutes?
Sandy Lyle: Dude, no. This is serious. I just sharted.
Reuben Feffer: I don't know what that means.
Sandy Lyle: I tried to fart and a little shit came out. I just sharted. Now let's go.
Reuben Feffer: You're the most disgusting person I've ever met in my life.

Linda - Clearly this site is about education and other high minded bullshit ;)

Blue Violet - Dude, that would be one haircut full of awkward silences. I don't give up anything either.

Surferwife - Ahh, I had a different take on it. We always used that to refer to dickfur as, uh, um, well, you know, fur on the, um, uh, yikes, ok, well, uhhh "bell end"?

Beth - We get into some seriously mensa-level convos here. ;p

Aging Mommy - Isn't that why we blog? ;)

Lin said...

Dang, pally, you pulled it off! Of course, my word would have been better had you seen a dirigible burst into flames like the Hindenburg. Oh, the humanity!

Susan Fobes said...

I couldn't stop laughing at your take on doodlesack-man, I am never going to look at the word the same again! LOL :0

The Empress said...

OH! How could I have gone on vacation and missed this chance!!


You did fantasmacly! my word, for you, NY accent and all!

KK said...

Wow, that was a lot of homework right there! Good job!

linlah said...

OOh, OOh me too out of the loop. Love this post.

Eternally Distracted said...

Oooo I have to get myself a pen and paper to take some of these gems down!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Lin - I went to a hockey game a few months ago. The only thing that I enjoyed was the Islander blimp that they pilot around the arena. Dirigibles are just fun.

Susan - That's not what you had in mind?

Empress - I would assume that you could throw lots of royal words my way. That might challenge me a bit,

KK - Yeah, I guess it was liek homework, but I had fun with it. I don't remember ever having fun doing homework.

Linlah - Here's to being out of the loop!

E.D - Please take shart. It may just be my favorite word EVER. It needs to be shared.

MiMi said...

OMG, I completely SUCK because I somehow missed out on this one!!!

Bossy Betty said...

Nice job by all! I am impressed!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Mimi - You can give me a word whenever you want. We allow make-up exams here.

Bossy Betty - Thanks. They threw me a couple of curveballs, for sure.

Kate said...

I stumbled onto your blog, this is my first time here. I love it.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Kate - Welcome! Happy to have you here. Stay a while, I'm almost guaranteed to say something stupid.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Excellent! And yeah it will happen ; )

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded - Ugh! Not looking forward to that.

Tropical Mum said...

Just catching up. That was very impressive. I had to go look up some words, and I am so glad you shared what "shart" was. I was truly puzzled, and I saw that movie!

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