Thursday, September 30, 2010

Swift Kick in the Pants


Growing up, whenever someone needed a reality check or had done something stupid, my father would say that person needed a "swift kick in the pants". He still says it to this day. No doubt, he is sitting and watching the news right now and as LiLo goes back for her fifth stint in rehab, he is muttering "She doesn't need rehab, she needs a swift kick in the pants.". As you might imagine, he said this about me an awful lot, particularly throughout my "colorful" teen years.

This phrase has become part of my own lexicon, despite my attempts to beat it back with a stick. Anything you hear that often sinks in whether you want it to or not.

Today, I would like to share with you, some of the people and things that I have encountered over the past week that need a "Swift Kick in the Pants".

A Swift Kick in the Pants to: My Shoes
for the sole separating out from under the heel and making a smacking noise with every step. And an extra kick for happening as I walked in the building at 9:00 am, leaving me to announce my arrival at every meeting with a thwack,thwack.

A Swift Kick in the Pants to: Me
for face planting in the middle of Five Guys Burger. Go figure, old dumbass germophobe wants to wash her hands before she eats her burger and since they take an eternity to cook a burger at Five Guys, I had ample time. However, you would think that after a lifetime of scraped knees and twisted ankles that I would look more closely at the four inch high lip between the restaurant floor and the bathroom floor.

Just to reinforce for the trillionth time - Weak Ankles + Clogs + Uneven Pavement = eating the floor.

A Swift Kick in the Pants to: The Boyscouts of America
for stalking people outside the 7-11. I definitely don't mind buying things from the Girl Scouts or Boy Scouts. I have certainly purchased more than my fair share of Thin Mints. But on this morning, the BS0fA had a new product line (oh goody, no more microwave popcorn), which included an eleven ounce bag of Carmel corn. This is a much smaller bag than your standard bag of chips. The bag was smaller than an 8X11 sheet of paper.

I picked up a bag and handed the kid a ten dollar bill. It wasn't priced, but I figured I must have had it covered. He looked at me in confusion, tongue half hanging out of his mouth like it was the first time he had seen money. The older scout at the table told him to look up the price. He flipped open his little catalogue and said "eighteen dollars please". I tried not to look as shocked as I was. Are you telling me that if they sold that measly bag of snacks for eight dollars, the BSofA would not have made a tidy profit for their organization? Say, somewhere in the neighborhood of $7.50? But it gets better . . .

I reach into my wallet to return the ten dollar bill and retrieve a twenty. I hand the boy the 20 and again, a pained look of confusion crosses his face. He stands there, motionless and silent with the twenty dollar bill in his hand. Again, the older scout instructs him to give me two dollars change. He opens up his little cash box and it is empty. The older scout yells down to his father "Dad, we need change for the box.". His father, deep in conversation with another father about either baseball or hookers, barely nods to his son and goes on with his conversation. At this point, my level of frustration is at its peak. I had two choices: Walk away or walk down to the father and give him a Swift Kick in the Pants. I walked away, but one week later, I regret not kicking him. What a douchebag. Or maybe the douchebag is me. I am the proud owner of a $20 bag of caramel corn.

24 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Sarah Lindahl said...

18 dollars for carmel corn???!!! Those boyscouts are robbing people! When I first read it I thought you said eight dollars which is still incredibly pricey for POPCORN, but 18??? OMG!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sarah - It was actually a $20 bag of popcorn. Fearing a tsunami-like wave of hormonal rage, I walked away without my change.

Sarah said...

I have a kid in boyscouts and we HATE, LOATH, ABHORE the evil popcorn sale that is REQUIRED by BSoA. If you do not participate the evil BSoA drones will come get you and force you to eat said popcorn until you die or something equally as horrible.
We have begged and pleaded with them to be more reasonable. Come on, people are seriously addicted to Girl Scout cookies (as in buy enough to freeze and have on hand year round) and they could make a killing if they raised their prices because people have to feed their addiction but no, girl scouts thinks of the greater good.
I HATE BSoA popcorn time.

foxy said...

OMG. That boy scouts stuff pisses me off! I think I would've taken my $10 back and stomped away. That's outrageous. I hate it when they're outside stores, staring you down, making you feel bad when you pass them up. Go door-to-door like I used to do!

hokgardner said...

I fall off my beloved clogs on a regular basis. Sigh.

And I dread seeing kids camped out outside of stores selling stuff. I can't bring myself to just walk by.

leigh said...

You are awesome, period.

Choleesa said...

wow! what restraint!
I woulda threw the bag of popcorn at the dad, then snatched my $20 bill back

Sara said...

This is why the Girl Scouts are way more fun.

1) They sell COOKIES.

2) They sick the Daisy scouts on you so you don't even mind buying a 13th box of Samoas, even though you hate cocounut.

3) They are generally accompanied by their troop leaders who is usually somebody's mom... which means, there will ALREADY BE CHANGE IN THE CHANGE BOX.

Hateful? Yes.

The truth? You bet your sweet bippy.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Sarah - Yeah, they have a thing for popcorn. I was hoping it was gold plated for 18 dollars, but alas, it was only covered in caramel.

Foxy - Kids aren't allowed to go door to door for anything anymore. Not cookies or school fundraisers. Nothing.

Hokgardener - We fall off them, but do we stop wearing them? NEVER!

Leigh - Thanks. It's kind of hard to feel awesome when you are eating the floor at a burger joint.

Choleesa - Not like I didn't want to. . . badly. I really wanted to junk-punch the dad.

Sara - Amen sista!

blueviolet said...

I thought part of being a boy scout was being prepared!

KK said...

That's crazy! I complained that my bag was $9!

Noelle said...

There's a reason I will never ever ever wear anything with a heel...

You paid $20 for a bag of popcorn??? I say that deserves the good samaritan of the week award!

linlah said...

I reluctantly contributed to that BSofA popcorn thing, I did it online so no annoying fathers.

Lisa Page Rosenberg said...

If I put pants on a bunch pf stuff can I send it all to you to do the swift kicking? The clogs seem like they would really do the job.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Blue Violet - You just made my day. Genius comment!

KK - I think I was too stunned to speak.

Noelle - or the dumbass of the week. I certainly earned it.

Linlah - They had me where they wanted me - needing milk and money at 7-11. It's like a captive audience.

LPR - I would kick ANYTHING you asked me too.

Linda Medrano said...

It coulda been worse. My grandchildren all make me order magazines. I hate magazines. I despise magazines. But not as much as I hate popcorn.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Linda - Grrrr. Magazines. Grrr. Popcorn. Oooh, Thin Mints? Come on in little brownie and let me get my purse.

Wendi said...

Oh, I like this Swift Kick thing! My list is too long and distinguished to detail here, though.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

Hmmm...do you wonder if maybe there was a plan..? While you're at it could you kick the studio that did my daughters senior portraits. I realized this week that I'm in the wrong racket...I mean business.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Wendi - Never think twice about jamming my comments with a list of any kind. I welcome the opportunity to know who is on everyone's pants-kickin list.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded - I will add them to the kick line.

Lin said...

Hate BS AND GS (Sorry, Sara)!! I was cookie mom for a few years and our troop earned a measly 35 CENTS on a $4 box of girl scout cookies. I wonder how much the organization was earning??? I'm guessing it is more than 35 cents. Ugh.

In that case, I give the kid a cash donation for their troop. You are better off giving him $5 than spending $20 on cruddy product. Shame on them for not having change--do you think that was the point???

Lin said...

OH! I'm with your dad! I think if more parents gave their kids a swift kick in the pants, we'd have less problems in our society. The world has gone in the crapper because nobody is accountable anymore. GO DAD!

Aunt Juicebox said...

I am such a sucker. I just bought a $14 tub of cookie dough from my neighbor's kid, so don't feel bad. Next time though, don't feel bad about telling them for $20 you could hire one of their mother's to make the popcorn for you from scratch and then serve it to you naked on a platter.

Allyson said...

First of all, I hope Swift Kick in the Pants becomes a regular feature because it feeds every cynical bitchy aspect of my personality. Although, I think it may only be bitchy if it's not justified. Also...to make you feel 1% better about the shoe thing...the leather strap on my flip flop broke as I was walking to the waiting room at Toyota. Eventually, I ended up just taking them off and then announcing "Yep! I'm from KY!"

And I hope that was THE BEST bag of caramel corn you've ever had. I hope you served it with champagne and a platter of escargot. And I hope you learned your lesson about the BSofA

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