Thursday, October 21, 2010

Life According to the Hotness Monster

When I think about my role models in life it hurts my head, because I don't think I really have any. I am a pretty firm believer that all men are created equal, except for people who suck. Those people are somewhat less than equal.

However, I most definitely admire my cat. Have you met my cat? This is him. His name is Spike the Hotness monster. He is 11 years old, which is nineteen bajillion in cat years. (Are there even such a thing as cat years? I don't know, I made it up. Whatever.)





Here are some of Spike's philosophies that bear repeating:

People Suck: When you don't need them for something, like food, water or affection, then they are of no use to you. Find a cozy place behind the big chair in the living room and sleep there for more hours than a human could count without an abacus.

Flirt with Everyone: You should not care about someones race, creed, color or species. If nuzzling a dog gets him to move off the choice spot on the stair landing, then nuzzle away. Being able to perch there and sleep with one eye trained on the flora and fauna out the window is worth a little insincere cuddling. And being that humans are too dumb and lazy to think beyond food, they will fill your bowl every time you sidle up to them. Score!

Explore the World, But There's No Place Like Home: The guy across the street likes when you roam his property because it keeps the mice away, there are cat treats in that gig. The little boy down the block gets all excited when you sit on his front lawn, so he convinces his mother to feed you. This extra meal helps to plump you up for the chilly winter months, when you will need your energy to sleep behind the chair. But remember to start the morning with a bowl of cat crunchies at home and end the day the same way. Nobody really knows how much you eat during the day. All you have to do is dilate your pupils and give them saucer eyes, magically, the bowl will fill.

Never Bathe or Poop in Public: This one is self explanatory. No one should ever see you either cleaning your business or doing it. Arrive everywhere looking clean, with a spring in your step.

A Narrow Eyed Glare is More Effective in Communicating Your Displeasure Than Raising Your Voice: Look at this picture, it's self explanatory. Oh, you soiled yourself in fear. Sorry. See how effective it is? Now go clean yourself up so that you can continue to gaze lovingly at my incendiary hotness.

21 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Helene said...

Came over from Lin's. Awwww that is awesome :-) My one guy who looks like his twin is sitting right here and he already went for the dog. He even answers to his name like he is a dog.
Love this post-more please :-)

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Helene - Thanks. Glad to have you here. Spike rules our roost and he rarely gives interviews. I was happy for his cooperation today.

Lin said...

Oh, my day is made! I love me some Spike photos and stories!!!

I love Spike's life rules and his Burt Reynold's photo at the top. That is one good looking fuzzball!

Give him a smoochie from Aunt Lin for me--if he doesn't rip your eyeballs out in the process!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Lin - Any smooches from Hobbes mom are welomed regardless of how surly his hotness is feeling.

hokgardner said...

I like Spike's view on life.

Rachel said...

Is Spike a Maine Coon?

singedwingangel said...

BWhahah I have a female cat that might be his cup of tea. She looks exactly like him lol..

foxy said...

Total. Hotness. He is one cool cat.

Mass Hole Mommy said...

He's pretty badass. For a cat.

Noelle said...

I will take these lessons to heart! Especially that one about curling up behind a chair and sleeping so long even an abacus wouldn't help!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

He is a Hottie alright! Love his philosophy and have a 7 year old named Toby the Dufus that could learn something from him. Especially the bathing in public part as he likes to display his business in the middle of the kitchen floor.

Bossy Betty said...

Spike needs his own blog. Pronto.

Aging Mommy said...

Brilliant! But even for an anti-social sort like me maybe the life of a cat is just a little too solitary :-)

SurferWife said...

Just when I think there isn't room in my life for another role model....

The Hotness Monster comes sauntering in leaving a light tread of kitty litter and steals my heart in one swoop.

linlah said...

Spike has perfected that narrow eye glare and when I saw the picture at the top I thought he was the new world record holder for the longest cat.

peewee said...

I may just hang this on my wall!

Allyson said...

I think Spike and Poppy and LuLu would get along just fabulously. Unless there was a shortage of food. And then Poppy would eat both of them without a twitch of her whiskers. A 15-lb cat needs her constant nourishment, y'know. Also, apparently, one of my girls' rules is: you can't pick your sister and you can't pick your sister's nose...but you can certainly lick her ass. Yum.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Hokgardener - Me too. I just don't have the feline cool necessary to pull it off.

Rachel - No, Spike is a run of the mill tabby. Nothing fancy.

Singedwingedangel - should we set up a date? How does your cat feel about eunuchs?

Foxy - He'd say thank you, but he's not very humble.

MassHoleMommy - He's very badass. Too much for his own good, really.

Momoftheperpetuallygrounded - What Toby does is what every other cat I have ever had has done - bathe on the kitchen floor. Spike is strangely private about this.

Bossy Betty - That would take valuable time out of his napping schedule.

Aging Mommy - Yeah, cats bring solitary up to a different level.

Surfer Wife - I can mail him to you.

Linlah - He is not that long, he just Jedi mind tricked you into thinking so.

PeeWee - If only Spike were humble enough to appreciate the gravity of that comment . . .


Allyson - Cats have no tastebuds. There can't be much difference between canned catfood and her sister's behind.

Linda Medrano said...

Spike is hotness personified, or felinified rather. I'm reading all his advise to Smokey. Smoke looked bored. I think he already knows most of this stuff.

Sandra said...

So you just know Spike the Hotness Monster hates dogs because they bathe and poo pretty much anywhere the urge hits! Spike rocks! Is it scary that I agree with Spike on so many of those issues?

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Linda - Smokey totally knows the score.

Sandra - I'm ok with that. I do too.

Post a Comment

Questions?
Comments?
Sarcastic Remarks?
Write 'em here: