When I think about my role models in life it hurts my head, because I don't think I really have any. I am a pretty firm believer that all men are created equal, except for people who suck. Those people are somewhat less than equal.
However, I most definitely admire my cat. Have you met my cat? This is him. His name is Spike the Hotness monster. He is 11 years old, which is nineteen bajillion in cat years. (Are there even such a thing as cat years? I don't know, I made it up. Whatever.)
Here are some of Spike's philosophies that bear repeating:
People Suck: When you don't need them for something, like food, water or affection, then they are of no use to you. Find a cozy place behind the big chair in the living room and sleep there for more hours than a human could count without an abacus.
Flirt with Everyone: You should not care about someones race, creed, color or species. If nuzzling a dog gets him to move off the choice spot on the stair landing, then nuzzle away. Being able to perch there and sleep with one eye trained on the flora and fauna out the window is worth a little insincere cuddling. And being that humans are too dumb and lazy to think beyond food, they will fill your bowl every time you sidle up to them. Score!
Explore the World, But There's No Place Like Home: The guy across the street likes when you roam his property because it keeps the mice away, there are cat treats in that gig. The little boy down the block gets all excited when you sit on his front lawn, so he convinces his mother to feed you. This extra meal helps to plump you up for the chilly winter months, when you will need your energy to sleep behind the chair. But remember to start the morning with a bowl of cat crunchies at home and end the day the same way. Nobody really knows how much you eat during the day. All you have to do is dilate your pupils and give them saucer eyes, magically, the bowl will fill.
Never Bathe or Poop in Public: This one is self explanatory. No one should ever see you either cleaning your business or doing it. Arrive everywhere looking clean, with a spring in your step.
A Narrow Eyed Glare is More Effective in Communicating Your Displeasure Than Raising Your Voice: Look at this picture, it's self explanatory. Oh, you soiled yourself in fear. Sorry. See how effective it is? Now go clean yourself up so that you can continue to gaze lovingly at my incendiary hotness.