Tuesday, November 9, 2010

News Schmooze

At some point, I'm not sure when, my mother became obsessed with the news and weather.  This was a radical departure for her as I did not grow up in a household where I got covered in layers of clothing and was sent out looking like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man as soon as the first cold wind of the season blew.  No, we were looser and more free-form than that.  I was trusted to coat and glove up as I saw fit and if I was cold, then it was my own damn fault.

However, somewhere around my early 30's, my mother started to obsess over the weather, just in time to question my choices around the way that I suited up my kids to battle the elements.   I had gotten a piece of advice from my pediatrician that said "If you're comfortable, they're comfortable", so I followed my own clothing guidelines with them, choosing not to layer then in so many snowsuits, blankets and hats and mittens, that their bucket became a Flavor Wave Oven.  I really didn't want to have to Mr T with me everywhere with him saying things like "MMMMMM, that roasting baby smells good. Quit your jibber jabber woman, gimme some of that baby!".

Somewhere around the same time, my mom became obsessed with the news.  I couldn't walk into a room without seeing her with her reading glasses perched on her nose, thumbing through the newspaper with CNN blaring in the background.  Ultimately, she would try to engage me in discussion about local politics or other current events and I would lapse into my Forrest Gump voice and tell her "Mama, I am not a smart woman, but I know what over saturation of media is.".  An then I would scamper off and anesthetize my brain with pop-culture info and other junk food for the brain.  I couldn't name all the 9/11 hijackers, but I had a firm grip on the romantic history of Brad Pitt.

I have talked to friends that are around my age and they all say the same thing, once their mothers hit retirement age, they developed an unnatural obsession with Willard Scott and his morning raisin brigade and with all things news.  To this, I respond "NEVER!".  I am so determined not to have a picture in picture of CNN and MSNBC running simultaneously that I have made a pact with my besties:  They are approved to call Kevorkian, as soon as exhibit any combination of two or more of the following:

1) Watch the news and weather obsessively
2) Wear holiday themed sweaters
3) Stuff tissues up my sleeve
4) Wear rubber bands around my wrist
5) Break wind with every step that I take
6) Save wrapping paper from opened gifts (yes, yes, it's green, it's also "grandma")
7) Develop a love-jones for Keith Olberman ,Sean Hannity or Glen Beck (or any other controversial, talking head)
8) Save my bacon grease in a coffee can

Oh, and did someone say Mr . T?  Well I pity the fool. . . .

24 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Lin said...

Are we related??! You have just described my in-laws perfectly! But, wait--you have forgotten the obsession with sports scores and traffic. My husband calls them once a week and they literally have a 6 minute phone call in which they discuss in this order: Weather and sports. Kill me when that is my only topic of conversation. please.

Lin said...

Oh--and the only reason it is a 6 minute phone call is that you have to discuss those topics with Mom.......and then Dad! Ugh.

That One Mom said...

Don't forget saving bread bags for your "smelly trash". My grandma ALWAYS did that!

Sarah in deepest, darkest Lomellina said...

Discovers tissue up sleeve.


Turns off Sky News as a form of vaccination against worsening of infection.

Ahhh, it's too late, no more "turning into my mother" for me, I already have, transmogrification complete.

Aging Mommy said...

Phew! I don't do any of those things yet :-)

My father is obsessed with the news and is constantly amazed when I appear to have no knowledge of the latest stories.

Since coming to live here in the US I am more conscious of weather reports, because it pays to know when a tornado might be about to blow in, but that is all. So far.....

Linda Medrano said...

I'm retired, BUT my television is tuned to America's Next Top Model (hate Tyra), the Real Housewives, Jersey Shore, Project Runway, and Cheaters! Yes, I'm an intellectual.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Lin - Ay, yi, yi.

That One Mom - Not gonna lie, that's a pretty sweet tip!

Sarah - It's pretty much inevidable. But I'm not going down without a fight!

Aging Mommy - If tornadoes were a real threat where I live, I'd probably develop a close personal relationship with my weatherman.

Linda - See, you are living proof that you can retire without becoming a Willard Scott junkie or wearing a theme sweater. I'm moving in the same direction.

Amy said...


What in the hell is up with that informercial?? I have never heard of that before! And who the hell wants to eat a frozen ribye in 16 minutes. EW.

Also? Flavor Wave sounds dirty. Just sayin.

When I lived with my in-laws, the ridiculous amount of news in that house was stifling. Fox news ALL THE TIME. I used to like to torture them by changing it to E News...You could practically hear their disgust in me as I happily watched Lindsey in and out of rehab.

foxy said...

Oh my gosh, like it's calling to the old people! Ugh.. the saving of the used wrapping paper. My MIL saves, irons and reuses hers. No kidding. Drives me CRAZY. Please shoot me if i ever do something stupid like that.

3LittleMonkeys said...

HAHAHA...so funny. I totally know what you are talking about. I remember visiting my grandparent's when I was little and they were ALWAYS watching the news. Now it's my dad that is obsessed! It's so annoying. His favorite show is Bill O'Reilly! Oh God, help us!

To me, the news is all doom and gloom, there is nothing happy about it. I can't watch it. As for the newspaper?! Like I would want to waste my 5 minutes of free time each day reading that crap.

Susan Fobes said...

You included a Mr. T AND Forest Gump reference into one post! :0 I was just walking around the other day saying, "I pity the fool" until my kids begged me to stop.

Now as for these "getting old" symptoms, I must say that my husband is starting to exhibit these same maladies. He gets mad at me when I would rather shut myself off in a good book (or blog) instead of finding out what's going on in the world.

blueviolet said...

Willard Scott is alive?

My mother is obsessed with politics. I can't take it.

Sherri @ Luv a Bargain said...

Hahahaha!!! I love this. But I must add for myself "I will NEVER" wash and reuse aluminum foil.

linlah said...

Given the fact I thought Kevorkian was dead I will probably not need that pact with my friends, I'm as out of touch with the news as a 5 year old.

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Im so with you! When my dad retired he developed an unnatural love for the Weather Channel. All day long .. the freaking weather.

Ive instructed my family to place a pillow over my head while Im sleeping if I start acting like that.

Sandra said...

Ya, i'm with you, it's a retirement/age thing. My mom can't have a conversation without mentioning the next snowfall or how the government is failing us.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Amy - YAY E News!

Foy - I fear that it's in the DNA. . .

3 Little Monkeys - Who needs all that bad news? Not me.

Susan - Someone had to honor the man, the myth the T.

Blue Violet - Still alive!

Sheri - The fact that you would never do that is safe with me ;)

Linlah - The crusty old bugger is still kicking.

Midwestern Mama Holly - Arrrrrggghhh! The Weather Channel!!! Yup, mom's a fan of that one too.

Sandra - Why? I want to spend my retirement years happy.

The Empress said...

I do every dang one of those things on that list.

And to think I came here to get cheered up.

I'll give you another chance later in the week...

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Empress- Take comfort in the fact that this is a safe, non-judgemental place (unless you're my mother and then it's. . . compicated) You can do all of those things as far as I am concerned because that's your bag, baby. I am only looking to prevent them from becoming mine.

Liz said...

Hi, I'm your newest follower and I love your blog! Have a great day :)



Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

You hit it right on the head! Perfect.
I'm gonna have them put me down the 1st time I stop and take a serious look at those slacks with the elastic waist and a fake button in front.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Liz - Haaaay Grrrrl. Welcome.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded - Ah yeah, in the 70's they called them Levi's Bendover Slacks. Can't imagine why they stopped making them (eyeroll).

Cheeseboy said...

Found you through a mutual blog friend. Thumbs up for a post involving the great Mr. T, but that video scared me a little.

Sorry to hear that your mom is into the talking heads. Sounds like she doesn't have a preference for party though, which is nice.

Your blog is awesome. I'll have to pay a return trip.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Mr Cheeseboy - Happy to have you here. I hear that it's not easy being cheesy. Truth or fiction?

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