Friday, November 5, 2010

Season of the Bitch OR The Effect of Group Dynamics on the Anus of a Cat

 My son comes into the kitchen the other day, dancing and clapping his hands.  He stops, squints at me and asks "What's good?". Entertained, but slightly distracted, I replied "Not much bro-ski". It was an honest answer, given that this is the season of the bitch.

I work in a business that has a pretty well defined busy season and for whatever reason, that busy season lands right around the holidays. I also work in the type of job where you have to work in large teams of people. Working with a large group of people, increases your chances for working with people that have personalities that have more in common with a festering bunghole than a decent human being.  The upside of this is that for every difficult person, there are twenty awesome people that are committed to offering their skills and expertise, without the side order of bitterness,hate and childishnes that bungholio contributes.

This is nothing that I can't handle, because I feel that people who behave like this, offer self-fulfilling punishment by way of their own embarrassing behavior.  There is nothing that I could do or say that is more humiliating than to let these people flaunt their bad attitudes and lack of cooperation.  Score!   Unfortunately, they become an inconvenience when fighting the clock, as their foot dragging petulance can occasionally slow progress.

As I often say, these are not "real world problems".  Real world problems are when someone you love is sick or when you don't have a job to bitch about.  And while I might be too busy to cook and bake this Thanksgiving, I can still order a pie and pick up a pre-made shrimp platter, so that I don't have to show up empty-handed at my brother's house.   And I will adjust my Martha Stewart on crack attitude and be thankful to be there with the ones that I love, store bought baked goods and all.


HEY WAIT DIARY! WHAT ABOUT THE ANUS OF A CAT?

OK, chill.  I'm not about to steal anybodies good time.

Owing to my OWN childishness. . .

There is a person that I work with that is so foul and so bitter that I want to name them Marie.   Why Marie?  Because as my daughter informed me, the meaning of the name Marie in some cultures is "Sea of Bitterness",   and there couldn't be a more perfect description for this person than that.   " But what about the anus, Diary?", you might ask.

OK, OK, I'm getting to it.

When we were in Italy, we went to this Tuscan hillside restaurant where no one spoke English. We were greeted in the outdoor courtyard by a brown, curly haired dog at our feet and a black and white cat, sitting on the roof of the restaurant. The owner came out and thanks to the one (in 17) Italian speaking member of our party, it was agreed that we would eat outside.

We assembled around a long, L shaped table and with the help of our Italian speaking friend, we ordered a metric crap-ton of food and wine.  As I have mentioned in prior trip reports about Italy,  dinner is an all night affair, with course after course of deliciousness, stretched out over several hours.

Just around the time that our entrees came out, the sun was just going down and the festive patio lights and candles on the table were lit.  This was also about the time that the cat came down off the roof and started to prowl around the guests, looking for scraps.  Seeing the cat on the ground, close up, it was evident that he was either not well, very old or both.  He was skinny and rickety and he moved a little slowly.  It wasn't until he walked away from our table that I saw what was really going on.  His rear end area was bulging out and it had a strange green hue.  It looked like he was smuggling grapes in his ass and someone had spray painted the area for emphasis.  It was at that moment that my son exclaimed "Look at that cat! He has a knotted anus!".

It was such a astute observation, that it became the unofficial battle cry of our week in Tuscany.  Every cat that we saw after that, we would simply point and say "knotted anus".    So now, when I look across the conference table at a particularly bitter and uncooperative coworker, with their lips pursed in pruney discontent,  I am reminded of that unfortunate cat's backside and I giggle, on the inside.  Hey, I'm a professional here.  A professional child, but a professional, none the less.

And there's your anus. Have a fabulous weekend and be sure to let me know about anyone that you know whose face reminds you of a diseased cat butt.
Probably has a knoted anus.


DEFINITELY has a knotted anus!

17 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Lin said...

Oh, we've got 'em at work too. One in particular. Her face is so squished up in bitterness and anger at the world and her race, she oozes nasty. She loves to slam me because I'm generally happy at work and always laughing--which drives her nuts. I won't engage with her tirades against me, which drives her more nuts. :)

She came to the Halloween party at work dressed like Frankenstein's Bride this year, including white face--which I soooo wanted to say something about, but I didn't. When the office party started, I just happened to be standing next to her and quietly said "Oh, Angela. How come you didn't dress up this year?".

Her own anger does herself in, but she doesn't get that.

Sarah said...

ewww...my ex's best friends...they are so angry and bitter all the time it really messes them up. I remember my grandma always saying "pretty is as pretty does" well the opposite is also true "ugly hearts make ugly people".

Aging Mommy said...

Oh you bring back memories of working and one of the reasons I am so very glad not to be there any more. My very last HQ job it was more a case of 1 wonderful coworker to every 20 bungholios (I just love that word by the way). Knotted anuses were omnipresent :-)

Loved this post.

Connie W said...

My MIL's name is Mary....but I think her given name is Marie (someone calls her that...can't remember who).....and she...is evil.

I will be seeing her tomorrow, and now I will be thinking knotted anus.

Thank you so much for this!

foxy said...

You know, now that you mention it.... I can think of several people (mostly women, isn't that interesting?) whose pursed lips resemble an infected cat anus. Although i never would have put two and two together, you can bet i will now! I just hope I don't bust out laughing the next time i see one of them.

MiMi said...

My MIL's middle name is Marie!!! HEHEHEHEHEHEEEEE!!!! Knotted anus!! Yes! That makes me giddy, I don't know why.

Linda Medrano said...

You made me spit my piece of "Cat Butt Gum" right out of my mouth with this one! Knotted anus! My husband after seeing "Borat" has started pronouncing anus "Ahnoose" which also sound fab with "Knotted". I love this but I'm not sure why!

Susan Fobes said...

Um, just like MiMi my middle name is Marie-wait until I talk to my mother about this one! And the cat in your first picture does remind me of some people I know. Go figure! LOL!

Sandra said...

You do realize I couldn't stop at just one name...

linlah said...

Heinous bitch now has a new name and no one will know what I'm talking about.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Ladies, I will have you know that the confirmation name that I took in eigth grade was (wait for it). . . MARIE! Yes, yes, I am a Marie. But I'm not bitter (most of the time).

Lin said...

You know, it took me reading this entire post AND all of the comments to remember that MY middle name is Marie too!!! ARRRRRGGHHHHH!!!!

Thanks. Thanks a LOT!

Oh--for the record--I am not bitter.

Sara said...

I know several people with this affliction.

I always thought they were just constipated and hateful.

I like knowing the truth.

Amy said...

Your kids are hilarious! Your son's "astute observation" paired with your daughter's extensive knowlege of name meanings had me literally laughing out loud. I can't wait to use "knotted anus" in my everyday vocab.

The Empress said...

I am stealing that, "she's got a knotted anus."

Yup, I come across them every day. I work as a caterer, some people are very gracious about being served, others? They revel in the servitude of another to them...

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Empress - You're a caterer? I'll bet you see alot of bitter knotted anus faces! Working with the public is not for the faint of heart. I used to be a hairdresser. Emphasis on USED TO.

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Amy - Thanks. They crack me up every day. It was a great experience to travel abroad with them. Lots of fodder for laughter.

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