Friday, November 26, 2010

Truck Nutz and Turkey

I haven't done one of these in quite a while. And because he's still around, making noise and providing laughs, I think it's about time.


I think I have mentioned before that my Uncle Ronnie has a little bit of a hearing problem. To say that he's deaf as a stone is an insult to stones. Many years behind a pneumatic drill have rendered his ears as little more than decoration for his head.

Recently, Ronnie bought himself a new truck. And not just your average truck, a fire engine red, big jammer with all the bells and whistles that one might expect in a loaded 2011 pick up - IPod Dock "I don't know what to do with it." CD Player 'I can't play nothin since all my CD's burned up in the old truck." Sirius/XM Radio "I cancelled it. See no use for it." Digital odometer - '"Can't seem to get my mileage to display." And the biggest feature of all, its mammoth size. So mammoth in fact that I think he has had a problem parking it, because it has a couple of dents and dings. We keep asking where the damage is coming from and he keeps laughing it off and not answering. Typical Ronnie.

When Thanksgiving rolled around, Ronnie was with us at my brother's house in his Sunday-best flannel shirt. As we sat in the living room enjoying some pre-dinner noshes, the talk or perhaps what is best described as screaming, turned to Ronnie's truck. My brother, who was sitting directly across from Ronnie was yelling questions at him about how he liked the truck and Ronnie was answering. He gave us the run down of the sizable list of features in the truck that he doesn't use and he told us how much he liked the truck, overall. I was sitting to his left and tried to ask him a couple of questions that he could not hear. He kept staring straight ahead, eating chips and dips as if I had never said a word.  I guess if he's not looking at you to read your screaming lips, he can't make out what you're saying. So I proceed to have a discussion with my brother about how I am going to buy a pair of truck nuts and sling them around his trailer hitch when he's not looking. Then we can take bets around how long it will take him to realize that there is a scrotum hanging from his truck. He never heard a word of it as he proceeded to completely disrespect the layered Mexican dip in front of him.

After dinner we were passing around my sister-in-law's IPad and showing him pictures of our family, including one of him and I from 1967. One thing I can say is that his vision is as good as his hearing is bad. He took one look at the picture from 1967 and said "My hair looks the same." never pausing to mention the adorable three year old at his knee. Then we showed him a video of my son playing acoustic guitar and singing Me and Bobby McGee and he immediately dismissed it as "Oh, that's not for me, that modern music." A comment that had all of us doubled over in fits of hysterical laughter. But what can you expect from someone whose CD collection consisted of Eddie Arnold and John Phillip Sousa. That's it. For Ronnie, the music industry is frozen in carbonite as of 1948.

At the end of the evening, as we were cleaning off the table and packing him a to go container full of turkey, he turned to my husband and and asked "Do you have a record player in your car?" After an evening of classic quotes and talk of truck nuts, I was done in and had to dash to the bathroom to prevent myself from peeing my pants. And that is one thing that our Uncle Ronnie has provided for us throughout our entire lives; pants-pissing hilarious moments, some intentional, most unintentional.  The man is a treasure and someone to be thankful for at this time of the year and all year round. Boy, I can't wait to order those truck nuts.

16 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Bossy Betty said...

I want an Uncle Ronnie!! I guess compared to Souza music, music from the 1970's is modern!

Liz said...

I laughed so hard! I may not be all that much in tune with "the good ol' days" (I was born in 1983) but I have some relatives like Ronnie too and they're a guaranteed laugh-fest and great time! And boy, do I wish I had his new truck! I want a truck so much!!! You should buy those truck nuts, I've seen a few of them here on Fort Hood, and I laugh my butt off every time! :)

MiMi said...

I LOVE your Uncle Ronnie stories!!! And it's hilarious you are going to buy his truck nuts. Those things are so freakin vulgar AND funny! :)

linlah said...

Truck nuts and a cow bell, that's fine living right there.

blueviolet said...

A record player in the car? Nobody can say yes to that! Can they?

He is something else!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Bossy Betty - I can rent him to you for a nominal fee. I guarantee that he's worth the price of admission.

Liz - Unfortunately, I don't have the nutz to buy truck nutz. I also think that if he found them hanging there, he'd have a heart attack.

MiMI - He could never take it for real. It was a funny idea that we could never act on.

Linlah - Don't forget a large collection of firearms. THAT"S living Ronnie style.

Blue Violet - I think he meant CD player, but most modern technology has gone whizzzing past his non-funcitoning ears.

peewee said...

I don't suppose those NUTZ would look as good on a prius.

foxy said...

He sounds like a complete riot! And i totally second the truck nuts idea.

Linda Medrano said...

I love Uncle Ronnie! What a card! I think people like him are far too rare!

Wendi said...

I'm speechless. But laughing.

Oh, Ronnie.

Kate said...

I hope I can also say "My hair looks the same" when presented with an equal passage of time. Somehow I don't think I will be able to (DAMN GREY HAIR I FOUND LAST WEEK DEATH TO EVERYONE).

Sara said...

Wait, no...that's a thing?

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

PeeWee - Oh, please, please do. And send photos! Awesome!

Foxy - Poor Ronnie would be so stupified if I did that. It just wouldn't be fair.

Linda - He is a treasure. A weird, offbeat treasure.

Wendi - If you met him in person, you might actually become mute. He is so strangely drawn, it defies description. Very lovable though.

Kate - Just the haircut, not the color. He's not one to keep with the times.

Sara - Yes. Sadly it is a thing. Usually preferred by truck owners with an abundance of testosterone. This is not Ronnie, per se. It's so out of character that adorning his truck this way would be hilarious.

Erin said...

those truck nuts are crazy! but it sounds like Uncle Ronnie deserves some. LOL. I think once you put them on you should blog about it and we can all take guesses to see how long until he notices.

Do you have a record player in your car? DYING. ROLLING.

and me & bobby mcgee = modern music? Who knew?

Cheeseboy said...

Without a doubt, I need this guy at my Thanksgiving table.

Mass Hole Mommy said...

God I hate those truck balls. I think I posted about them on my blog once, but my six yr old son saw them once and said to me "hey, look mom...that car has a thing that you milk cows with". Thank god I didn't have to explain what they really were.

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