Sunday, February 27, 2011

The One Where I Almost Start a Street Fight in Las Vegas

Not counting fights with my brother, I have had exactly one fist fight in my life and that one was a set up.  I was led to a school yard and jumped because I had betrayed a confidence.  What the jumper did not expect was that I would swing wide and tag her in the ear (Fight Club anyone?) providing me with an opportunity to run like an olympian and escape. That little episode taught me two things - 1. Never, ever betray a confidence.  2. Fist fights are no fun and I don't want to ever be in one again.

From that point forward, I have lived my life by a very pacifist "Can't we all just get along?" principle.  Not to mention the fact that I keep a secret locked up tighter than Fort Knox. I take all confidences to the grave.

However, my peace loving and reasonable self gets froggy as a mutha when someone aproaches one of my kids in the wrong way.  This is something that a couple of over anxious street vendors learned the hard way in Italy.  Let's just say I taught them some new words in English.  This week in Las Vegas, another similar lesson had to be taught.

We had just seen the Beatles Love Show at the Mirage and we were walking down Las Vegas Blvd in front of the Bellagio, in the hopes of catching the fountain show.  It was about 9:00 PM.  At this time of the night, the area is buzzing with activity as tourists bustle from casino to show to restaurant. All that tourist activity is  like a magnet to the hookers, hawkers and beggars. This makes my spidey senses tingle and I go on high alert like a mama bear guarding her cubs. 

One of the most prevalent type of sidewalk slime on the strip is the Strip Club hawker.  These people pass out business cards with pictures of naked women on them and the address of whatever strip club the hawker works for.  The back of the card has a name written on it, so that the person handing out the card can get "credit" for whoever they bring in.  For the most part, these hawkers always tried to push a card on to my husband,  but reeled the card back in when my son passed.  He is 14 years old and while he's a big kid, he is clearly not an adult, passing for MAYBE 16 at the most.  There would be no reason to assume that he was even close to being of age.

As we rolled down the crowded sidewalk, I spotted her.  She was short, had frizzy black hair and bulging eyes.  She looked like the unholy spawn of an Ewok and a Bush Baby and she had her hairy little fist loaded with naked lady cards and propriety be damned, she was going to make quota.  The following unfolded in slow motion (please note that the naughty words have been substituted with a word that sounds similar.  This is to prevent any additonal freaky keyword results) -

  1. The ewok places a card in her grubby right hand, a nude, buxom vixen on clear display. 
  2. I see her look up at my son's face to catch his attention.
  3. She begins to extend the card toward his hand.
  4. I sweep in from behind and block her play,  eyballing her hard and uttering the following:   "Are you out of your mother plucking mind?  He is fourteen years old! I will slap you in your plucking mouth."
  5. The bush baby has a look of stunned disbelief on her face.  Once I am a few paces beyond her, she pulls her jaw off the ground and responds.  "You plucking b1tch!"
  6. I responded "You're exactly right.  I'm a b1tch and I will slap the taste out of your mouth."
By the time we got past the Bellagio, I snapped out of it and realized that I had just provoked a fight with a Las Vegas street person.  What the heck was I thinking?  Meanwhile, my son and husband had finally stopped laughing and were lamenting the fact that they weren't rolling the video camera. 

It was truly like an out of body experience and once I came back into my body, I had a deep regret for the terrible example that I had just set for my kids.  But I'll be damned if any leering, disgusting, porn hawking street person is going to approach my kids.  You mess with the cubs and you get mauled by the mama bear. I just hope that the kinder, gentler person that I am 99.999% of the time, is the person that has the true influence over my children and that the person that I am the other .001% of the time only has impact on bush babies and street sleeze that need to understand that mama bear don't play and it's best to mind your P's and Q's around her cubs.

14 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Miri said...

Ha! I am laughing so hard over here. We've all got that mama bear inside us, though I'm thankful I can't remember the last time I had to get up on my hind legs and roar.

Btw, I don't think you taught your kids anything wrong. They've probably seen enough of the regular you to realize that a) you don't usually act/talk like that and b) if you did act/talk like that it was because something very important was at stake and they'll learn just how icky you feel porn is a whole lot more than if you were to start lecturing them about it.

Bossy Betty said...

Yes, Mama. I totally understand. Now, I have to go and try to figure out what plucking means.

Mary Ann said...

You made me laugh...my mother-in-law took on a hulking giant once when my husband bumped in to him by accident...he called my husband a son of a bitch....sorry about the language....and my petite MIL took him on....she said..YES!!!I'm the bitch....I have never seen I guy go so white....LOL He backed off and sort of did a run skip away very fast:)

The Empress said...

Oh, I am SO GLAD that you are crazy like me.


SO GLAD.

xo

The Empress said...

And by that,I mean, I love you.

NIC said...

Love it wish I'd been there to have your back.

Linda Medrano said...

In the 2nd grade, my son was slapped across the face by a teacher. When I found out about it, I walked into her classroom and smacked her across the face hard. I told her to NEVER lay a hand on any kid again. Today I would probably end up in jail. In those days, I think she heard me loud and clear. I have a touch of street brawler in my (Mike Tyson) but I generally use words as weapons, but not when it comes to children.

foxy said...

Oh my gosh, how funny! I love that you got all Mama Bear on her. She freaking deserved it! But the fact that your whole family witnessed it going down is HILARIOUS. You know they'll be pulling that one out of the bank for the rest of their lives!

Jen Chandler said...

Oh my gosh! I so don't blame you. I would have been cheering you on had I been there. Or maybe I would have held her while you punched. I'm the same kind of protective over my nieces and nephews.

blueviolet said...

Don't mess with the kids. You were well within your rights!

DG at Diary of a Mad Bathroom said...

Awwwww, guys. Thanks for your support. I felt like I was turning into the Hulk. It was a little scary, because I am pretty sure they weren't just words and if she started with me for real, I would have stepped to her. Glad THAT didn't happen.

400 Wakeups said...

So...on the 25th, a whole planeful of Soldiers and wives who were on 4-day pass with us landing in Vegas. We opted to not go to Vegas and instead camp out in the New Mexico desert for 4 days. But there was a good bunch of the 352 wandering around Vegas while you were there. I now wish we had been in Vegas just because there is a chance that I MIGHT have seen that and that would have made my ENTIRE trip. I think if there is a lesson that your son could take away from that encounter is that a momma will ALWAYS protect her cubs and that he would do well to do the same when he is a daddy way, way, WAAAAYYYY down the road. That's an important lesson to learn. And maybe it's a good idea to keep the camera rolling anytime you are on the strip. And you are not a b1tch. You are a dam fine momma fox.

Tenetia said...

WORD TO YO MUTHA!!!!! i used to live in las vegas, and i despise "those" people. they disgust me!!!!

it's funny how our adrenaline gets the best of us though, eh?

love your blog!

Anonymous said...

Why would anyone bring there children to that God forsaken place.

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