Thursday, June 9, 2011

Engraving Mother Nature's Name on a Bullet

Picture from here - freshcharacters.com




If you are a regular reader of this blog, you know that Mother Nature and I have had more than our fair share of scuffles over the years. We have had run-ins over hormones, chin hair, blizzards and all sorts of nasty little natural events, each laid out to test my good humor and naturally calm and angelic *demeanor . But today she has gone over the line and I am about to lose that good sportsmanship medal that I earned in summer camp in sixth grade.
*Note to husband and children – you can stop laughing now. Really. Stop it. OK, fine. You’re all on punishment.

So what’s at the root of my bitterness toward old twig head today? Today I was greeted with the second and more severe day of an early June heatwave. Mother Nature has cranked up the heat and humidity to hellish levels leaving me awash in a delightful candy coating of my own sweat. For the record, there are three kinds of liquids that I absolutely hate, Jaegermeister, Malta and my own sweat. I can only assume that prune boobs has cranked up the sauna in hopes of a good shvitz re hydrating her withering, goddess nether regions. Sucks for her but, can’t she just go on hormone therapy like everybody else? It is simply too early in the season for weather like this.

Tomorrow is shaping up to be a few degrees cooler, but still hot and humid enough to make me want to trip the first person unlucky enough to walk past my cubicle at work. Humidity always makes me surly and when my least favorite weather is dropped on my most favorite day (my birthday), my bitterness goes off the charts and I just wanna slap the birds out of a bitch’s hair. For the sake of those that I love as well as those that I merely tolerate, I think me and this hag need to get in the ring and box.

I didn’t always want to settle my differences with Mother Nature through a violent flurry of fisticuffs. No, there was a time when I thought that if I could just get Father Time to throw her the big salsiccia, she might back up off my shit. Time and I are homies, so I got her the date, but it seems that no amount of intergalactic wiener can un-bitch a bitch like this. He ended up broken hearted, with sparrows in his beard and a serious case of the crabs.

I suppose it's for my own good if I pause and compose myself before I administer any beatings to beloved mythological creatures. I could piss off some half wit water god who'll go and flood my town with the crash of a single wave or worse yet, I could get sued. I know my lawyer is good, but does he have what it takes to battle Zeus’ legal team? Probably not. Looks like I have to take my hot, humid lumps on this one. But MN better watch her back and keep her distance because I’m still tight with Medusa. My girl Dusa will lay her out!

8 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

Lin said...

Oh, I'd back you up in taking on that old broad, Mother Nature. We are going from 98 degrees to tornadoes to 68 degrees every 3 or 4 days. This pattern is about to drive me insane. What is up that woman's craw these days anyway?? Sheesh, she's making us all miserable!

400 Wakeups said...

So, this was an amazing piece of literature. But I have to confess....for the first 3 or 4 paragraphs, I seriously thought you were talking about the hot flashes you were getting. Because these are the very comments that my sister makes...it was the path of least resistance for my brain. At any rate, I feel your pain as my thermometer is reading 99 degrees and has been for the past 4 days. At least I'm not in Georgia right now. Although I have a pool on base there. Here, I just have my bathtub. Good luck with you candy coating of sweat. Just don't wear white or gray and I think you can still fool people into thinking your underwear is dry. Happy Champagne Friday!

linlah said...

If Father Time is not holding a grudge for that date with MN can you ask him to give me some of my time back and I'll see what I can do to settle the old bitch down.

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

I'll back you too if you go in. I sharpened the blades on my mini fan and it's hidden in my boot.

The Lady's Lounge said...

Love that heat that leaves you drenched and smelling strongly of deodorant hard at work with an instant Afro. Just add humidity.

blueviolet said...

She's been so awful with these raging hot temps, hasn't she? We FINALLY got some rain last night after 3 weeks, and I'm hoping that resulted in a drop in temp.

Keep Dusa close. She may be needed!

Linda Medrano said...

I'm almost ashamed to say that in Northern California we are sitting at 72 degrees and partly cloudy. Almost every day of the year! I cannot tolerate heat and humidity and I don't know how people do it!

Amy said...

Oh God how I feel your pain on this one! Seriously, what the hell is going on???

It has consistently been 103 here for the past week or two....and technically it isn't even summer yet!!! The heat + this pregnancy + the humidity= 1 pissed off chick!

Also, I get to throw Jackson's 3rd birthday party on July 3rd. I swear, if this heat doesn't throw me into labor, the dozen toddlers hopped up on sugar surely will.

P.S. I just read Linda M's comment....a friend of ours from Cali came to NOLA last weekend for a visit and some golf. He spent 3/4 of his trip in the hotel room suffering from heat stroke. True story! Cali....lucky pansies!

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