Friday, September 9, 2011

10 Things That Scare Me

Spam - the slimy, gelatinous meat in a can, not the e-mail kind.

PTA Moms - This frightening breed of uber-moms seems to live to gossip and judge and to make absolutely sure that you only get one playbill on LipSync Night. 

Raw Chicken - No, really, I have bad dreams about cross-contamination.

Televangelists - They are a generically frightening bunch, but Benny Hinn's hair is truly terrifying.

Anything that Andrew Zimmern eats.

Radical Vegans - Peace out girl scout.  I am cool with you eating twigs and dirt, you need to be cool with me having a big hairy steak.  Mmmmmm, Flay Steak.

George Michael's Shorts in Wake Me Up Before You Go Go.  - I mean, really?  Wasn't he concerned with VPL (either visible panty lines or visible penis lines - it's your call).

Planking - Seriously,  this is all there is for you to do?  Come to my house and help me paint if you're bored.

Pea Puree - Everyone on Top Chef has parked a protein on top of pea puree.  There was even controversy one season about someone stealing someone else's pea puree.  What is with this trend?  Is this really anything more than runny baby food?  Besides, if you leave the peas whole, they are much easier for me to push aside with blatant disregard.

Absinthe - One time is all you need to know that this is the single most terrifying and volatile substance ever distilled.  Keep your dignity . . .if someone offers you Absinthe, just say no (unless you like wearing a strangers underwear on your head, then, by all means, be my guest).


Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

10 Your comments, banter and witty repartee:

blueviolet said...

I had forgotten all about those shorts, and I'm sure it's going to take serious mind re-training to forget about them again. So thanks.

My daughter dated a raw vegan once, and the stories, oh the stories....

hokgardner said...

Still love that song, but lord dog, the fashion of the 80s.

Sarah Lindahl said...

I can get on board with most of those things, but I never even heard of planking and I clicked on the link and I kind of like it.

Working Mommy said...

It is my goal to be a PTA mom...only because I know that if the school principal is scared of me then I'll get what I want for my kiddos! Don't worry, though, you can have more than 1 playbill!

WM

Lin said...

I love the 80's, but I can totally do without those shorts. EEEEK!

PTA moms are the WORST. A few of them have wrangled their way onto the Band Boosters. I may just have to kill them.

The Empress said...

I am terrified of PTA moms.

Just little girl terrified of these 50 foot women..and when they attack.

I miss you.

Linda Medrano said...

I love George Michael. He was so pretty as a boy!

I'm more afraid of Mom's with toddlers in strollers. They take over a local cafe and you can't even walk through. They all sort of look alike too, with their iphones, ipads, and Gucci diaper bags. They park the strollers willy nilly so everybody has to walk around them and then talk to each other across the room about play dates and such. Ugh! Then all the no-neck monsters get out of the strollers and touch your legs with their gooey little hands. Ugh!

Mom of the Perpetually Grounded said...

PTA Moms. I went to school with The PTA President at the elementary school my daughters attended. She used to make fun of a classmate with cerebral palsy. She didn't change much. As for pea puree, the thought fills me with disgust and there would be no way I could mix it with the mash potatoes so I don't have to taste it.

My Inner Chick said...

Superb!
Seriously, I think George wanted his penis to show!! :D))) What a Doll.

Sara said...

How the hell did Andrew Zimmern get a show eating non-dead things and no one wants me to have a travel show?

I am cute as a button, I gladly make an ass out of myself and can say "eggplant" in 3 different languages.

What a world, what a world...

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